


Three Years Later

by sammi273



Series: Three Years [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bottom Louis, F/M, Father!Louis, Homeless Louis, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mpreg Louis, Top Harry, father!harry, past self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-19 03:01:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 47,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1453006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sammi273/pseuds/sammi273
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a night of passion between Harry and Louis one of the two find himself to be miraculously pregnant by the other.</p><p>Three years later, Louis Tomlinson is an alcoholic living on the streets, barely making enough money to support his two year old son.</p><p>Three years later,  Harry Styles is as prosperous as ever,  modestly spending from his millions of dollars to support a comfortable life for both himself and his girlfriend.</p><p>What would happen if one day Louis and Harry's paths coincidentally cross?</p><p>What if there's more to their story than what even they don't know?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In a Nutshell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is edited.

Loud music pulsated around me, I remember that.

I've consumed at least four bottles of beer, having quite the high alcohol tolerance even at the age of eighteen. Though my tolerance is high, that doesn't stop my vision from blurring. Although everything around me is fuzzy, I can still remember the notes of the bass playing, reverberating through my body as the loud music shakes the club. Those very same notes get tangled up in my thoughts sometimes, making it difficult to pay attention to much of anything.

Besides what I described previous, I honestly don't remember much from that night.

Oh but I do very much remember green eyes.

Dark green eyes and dark curly hair that fell in front of them.

The owner of the dark green eyes and dark curly hair walked over to my table and asked my name. In my drunken state, I told him, not caring about anything except the fact that someone attractive was actually talking to me.

It was the positive attention that I was definitely not used to.

It was attention that I had definitely wanted at the time.

The attention that I craved.

If he told me his name, I didn't remember.

It was lost to the night like many other things were in that late evening.

My virginity was lost to this green eyed stranger.

I stupidly suggested my house as the candid place for such an act though my mother and sisters were home. It was dark, which I was glad about since he wasn't able to really see how ugly I was; _how ugly I really am._

Small quiet moans were shared between us that evening.

Small moans that still linger in my nightmares to this very day.

I didn't care that I didn't know this person.

I didn't care that it was hot.

I didn't care that I was drunk.

I didn't care about my mother.

Nothing else in the world mattered except for the green eyed stranger who was pleasuring my to the point where I was finally able to just forget about everything wrong and bad in my life.

I stared into those green eyes during the entire experience.

I didn't care enough to remember a condom.

So I sure as Hell didn't give a fuck about the consequences.

Looking back now and seeing where I am, if I could go back I would not have even been out drinking that night.

I wouldn't have lost my virginity.

I wouldn't have lost my sanity.

I wouldn't have lost my life as I once knew it.

Today marks three years since that night. It's always nice to take a trip down memory lane to remember exactly where you screwed up in life.

Months from that night I threw up constantly in the morning. Sounds like a sign of pregnancy right?

Well wrong at that time, because I would constantly go out every other night and drink until I was stupidly drunk, so I though that it was all from the beer.

Clearly I wasn't entirely correct.

I was indeed (and unfortunately) pregnant.

Long story short, I was kicked out of my childhood house and left on the streets of England to do nothing but survive for the most part.

Somehow, I've made it three years.

In a nutshell, that is the end to the story of how I became a homeless drunk with a two year old boy.


	2. Sunshine in Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is edited.
> 
> Hey I'm new to ao3, and this is the first fanfic that I'm posting here. You can also find me on wattpad @sammi273 .  
> I hope that you enjoy!

(Louis' p.o.v.)

Goosebumps appear on my skin, raising the hairs on my arms and legs. The morning dew decided to soak through my worn and ragged flannel, awaking my nerve endings as it made contact with my skin.

My pounded with tell-tale signs of a headache. That's probably the lingering effect of the alcohol I consumed last night... or was it early this morning... or... some time of day.

Due to my obvious struggle to stay sober, my previous job of being a waiter fired me. Honestly I could care less about losing that job. It's not the first job I've gotten fired from, so I know to save up... especially when the customers start putting in the complaints.

All that I really need to worry about in life is my son. He's all that matters.

I need to make sure he's safe and well-fed... as well-fed as I can manage. He's usually okay when it comes to being fed, because they usually at least feed him breakfast at the 'Mothers and Children Shelter'. To my recollection that's the name of the shelter... or something along those lines.

Then again, lines do blur over time.

Lately I've noticed that my son has been dropping some weight, there's been less and less of him to hug in the mornings.

In the morning is when I pick him up from the shelter and let him play in the children's section of the park while I stay in the bench area to play as well.

That's when I put the real money-making machine to work, my guitar.

A majority of the money I earn comes from my guitar.

Money that I use to provide food for my child.

Money that I use to provide alcohol for my own self.

The burning drink doesn't help take away the pain completely, but it does help to numb it. If numb is the closest I can get to solace, then I'll gladly take it as a distraction from this literal Hell that I'm living in.

For now I have just enough money, mostly from my other job.

I haven't really gotten to play my guitar more recently since I was busy with my job, but now I have time.

Although I think that I'll spend that time job searching in the city. Granted, my guitar provides money, it's not always enough for the both of us when I can't get Carter into the shelter.

That's when I come short of providing enough for my son.

That's when we both struggle.

We struggle together.

Since we have built this mutual understanding through the bond the struggling brought us, he knows that I cannot always spend all of my time with him. He's smart enough to know what to do while I'm away in the city whether it be for work or job searching.

He plays on the playground around other kids to stay safe.

He doesn't mind it when I leave him at the park, from what I can tell.

Carter is a good boy and he is always okay.

In the evenings when I come back to the park, I always find him fast asleep on the bench that's beneath the oak tree and right in the middle of the park.

That very bench is the bench that I had been sleeping on just moments ago. It's our meeting spot. Always has been and always will be for as long as this situation lasts.

Carter usually stays asleep in my arms as I stand waiting in the ever growing line leading to the shelter. I am willing to wait for hours just to check my son in. Once Carter is assured a bed, I check him in and leave my guitar with him. It has more of a chance to be stolen if I keep it with me at our bench. I know that it's safe there. If my guitar were to get stolen, then I'd really need a job, otherwise I'd really have no way of getting money.

When my mind goes through the possibilities, prostitution always lingers in my mind, but then I remember that green eyed stranger and I instantly know that I'd never allow for anyone to violate my body like he did. _Ever._

I would never envy Carter getting a bed as I sleep on a bench in the cold. He is my responsibility since I am the one who brought him into this world in the first place.

Now I need to take care of him.

He's all that matters.

I care more for his well being than my own by far.

I'd even choose Carter over alcohol, or even my guitar because I'd rather suffer withdraw than a world without my baby.

So that's the system that Carter and I have managed to create over the past couple of years... don't ask how it was before this. Trust me, I know this is dysfunctional as is, but before... _that_ would've lead to someone dying and I couldn't let that happen.

Not even being dramatic.

So, sounds like Hell right?

Well not exactly, but it's pretty damn close.

I have Carter and he's my sunshine through all of this. Without him, I wouldn't even be trying.

Even still, I can't help but think that I wouldn't be here if I hadn't made that one mistake three years ago.

If that green eyed man hadn't seduced me, then I wouldn't be in this Hell that both Carter and I are going through even still.


	3. The Sunshine that Chases Away Even the Devil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

I habitually cracked the knuckles of the fingers on my left hand, then my right hand, just as I do every morning. There was just something refreshing to hearing the satisfying crack. Still mostly asleep, I twist around left then right to crack my back.

Sleeping on a bench every night for one thousand and ninety-five days does nothing but harm to my already bad back. Yes I have done the math because I can at least calculate that much in my head. I did graduate from high school after all.

Every single morning of those days I have woken up with stiff muscles and aching joints. As a result, this is the routine I go through, whether it's consciously or not.

This morning I found it to be that much more difficult to lift myself from the wooden bench, my heavy heart almost seems to be weighing me down more than it usually does.

Clearly, I didn't drink enough last night.

Bile burns my throat and I immediately head for the trashcan, knowing from experience what was about to happen.

I emptied my stomach's contents of last night's alcohol combined with yellow acidic bile.

I finished much sooner than usual, though that didn't change the fact that I was now exhausted and sore

Yup, definitely didn't drink enough last night.

That makes it even more difficult to mentally prepare myself for the long day ahead of me.

***

"'Ello Martha, yer lookin' quite nice t'day," I said when I got to the front desk. I know that my words slurred in some places by default, but I also knew that Martha could understand me. "M'ere t'check out m'son."

From the front desk, the lady with greying hair peered at me through her thick bifocals. We exchange the same idle pleasantries when greeting each other. "You don't look too shabby yourself today, Mr. Tomlinson." She winked at me, playing along even though we both knew that I look like shit. "And just what is your son's name?"

"Carter Timothy Tomlinson. Oh, an' please jus' call me Louis, Miss Martha, no need to be so formal," I answered as per usual, acting as if this was the first time I've said the reused line.

"Okay Lou, hold on a sec. In the meantime I need you to fill out the check-out slot for him," Martha says, handing me a cheap pen and a brand new check-out sheet marked with today's date at the top.

"F'you wan'ed m'autograph s'badly you shoulda jus' asked Miss Martha." I mused, as if I was worthy of giving such thing as an autograph.

Martha chuckled out a sound full of mirth before conversing shortly with a woman who came from downstairs.

With a shaky hand, I signed my name messily next to Carter's, unable to stay on the line. It's a signature that I don't even recognize as my own anymore and sometimes I wonder how I could even remember such a thing. As I continue filling out the rest of the needed information, Perrie, Martha's daughter runs upstairs to get Carter. My Carter.

Just like that, my baby was in my arms once again, and my guitar was hoisted on my back by its fraying shoulder strap.

Nothing but warmth and joy radiates from Carter, no matter the situation. Carter is my light in my somber, alcohol-filled world.

Curly hair that resembles his father brushes below my chin, leaving a warm tickle-y sensation in its wake. With small thin arms, Carter hugged me and I held him that much closer to me. He's far too small for his age, but that's the least of my worries right now, especially when Carter's hugging me.

When it's just the two of us, all of my worries just seem to melt away.

"Dada I miss you," Carter cooed into my neck, nuzzling farther into me.

"Hey there Little C, I missed you too," I murmured, heart swelling as I laid a gentle peck on top of his light fuzzy curls. I just barely caught Martha's look of pity and Perrie's sympathy-filled gaze as I turned to leave. "Say thank you to Miss Martha and Miss Perrie for taking care of you, Carter."

Emerging from my neck, he didn't hesitate to smile widely at the two ladies as he waved a small chubby hand, "bye-bye Miss Mart'a an' Miss Paiwie (Perrie). T'ank you fo' taki'g care of me."

Martha smiled warmly as she sent a small wave towards Carter, "you're welcome Carter, see you later love. And bye Lou, good luck to you."

Wordlessly, Perrie waved back with her right hand, her left hand occupied her pink mobile, which she was more interested in texting on.

Not caring about the response, Carter decided to bury his head back in it's rightful place, the crook of my neck, so I gave a response. "See you Martha."

With my last 'good-bye' still hanging in the air, I maneuvered around Carter to open the door, and walk out into the brisk morning air. I made sure to hold Carter close so he could feel my body heat. It was my only way of protecting him from the slight cold.

He gets cold very easily.

"Were you good last night for Miss Perrie , baby boy?"

To show his understanding, all he did was nod at first. However, after a moment of silence he decided that wasn't enough and answered verbally, "jus' miss you lots." He explained.

"Don't worry Little C, Dada is working on getting a job. When I get a job we'll be able to spend forever with each other." However, I also needed to explain how things are currently so he still understood that we weren't quite there yet. "But for now, you need to stay at the shelter with Miss Martha ans Miss Perrie so that you can stay safe."

"Forever an' ever?" He asked, still looking forward to the day when we could spend time together whenever we wanted.

"And even after that." I promised him.

Seeming to be satisfied with my answer, Carter nuzzled against my throat, emitting a heat there that only Carter could give, and I was more than satisfied with that.

***

"Okay Little C, time for you to go have fun while I go and do boring work stuff," I say when we reach the playground. I set him down on his feet onto the plush green dew soaked grass near our park bench.

"But I wan' stay wif you today Dada," Carter said, looking at me so that his pleading eyes made contact with mine. When he did that, all I saw were _his eyes._ Those green eyes that always linger in my thoughts, nightmares, hopes, and even dreams. _These are Carter's eyes, not his father's. My Carter. My son. Not that horrible excuse of a father with the same unfortunate eye colour._ I mentally remind myself.

With a careful hand, I pat his head, unintentionally tousling the hair there as my fingers shook. "Not today baby, I have work stuff to do today sweetheart. Maybe tomorrow." I shake my own head to empty my thoughts of that green eyed man... for now. "Maybe tomorrow," I repeat. "Now go ahead and play, Little C. I'm excited to hear about what new friends you'll make today." I manage to smile for him just slightly.

"Okay, bye-bye Dada," Carter said, voice full of obvious disappointment, but he still sent my a small wave as he was already turning towards the playground.

I murmur out my promise of love to him before a farewell, then I plopped tiredly back down onto the bench for the second time of the day. My instrument case was balanced atop both my knees. Unzipping the zipper, I carefully removed my weathering instrument from its prison.

Setting down the open cloth case down on the ground by my feet, I throw the guitar's shoulder strap over my head. Immediately, I can feel the familiar weight of the wooden instrument in my hold and a sort of soberness ran through me.

There was just something about having an instrument in my hands that steadied my nerves.

Once I tuned the strings with experienced fingers, I began to strum a few cords, which quickly tangled together to form a progressing melody. People began to gather when the basic yet complex melody reached their ears.

I had easily made 12 pounds (19.17 USD), which all laid at the bottom of my case, well that is if I counted correctly.

It's hardly enough for me to buy my average bottles of beer plus food for Carter. I used to get way more cash when I sang to accompany my playing, but my singing voice is long gone. The motivation and passion left after a couple of months into this. I haven't sang since then, even though I love to sing.

So now, I manage to survive off of what I make from just playing.

We live, Carter and I, just fine off of this guitar alone... although sometimes... I admit that it wouldn't hurt to have a few extra pounds in my pocket.

***

Just like a few weeks prior to now, I am now wandering the city's streets searching for a job of really any sort. Maybe a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window of a shop, or maybe even a job offer written on poster paper posted to a tree. I am weaving in and out of noisy, busy streets, and dank, dark alley ways, desperate to find a way to make money as I held tight to my guitar, too afraid to leave it under the protection of just my two year old son.

Trying my luck, I find myself in a random bar that I don't really know the name of, but I can definitely tell that it's a bar from the somber mood and the smell. It smells sharply of a crisp alcoholic aroma that anyone could have gotten drunk off of.

Without hesitating, I strode over to the old-fashioned bar stools, choosing to sit in one at the very end of the counter as I waited for either a bartender or waiter to notice that I had entered. Soon enough, a younger person about my age walked up to me. Truth be told, I'd be lying if I said that he wasn't good looking. He definitely seems like someone that I'd bang... if I were interested in one night stands that is.

As of now, they haven't been very appealing for obvious reasons.

"Are you going to actually order something or are you just going to stare at me like that all day? Oh, and just so that you're informed beforehand, no I am not on the menu, so don't even bother." He said, narrowing annoyed amber eyes at me.

I cleared my throat, "bet you must get tha' line all th' time." I reasoned, "but no, m'actually here for a more... important matter."

"And that'd be...?" He impatiently cocked his hip out when he realized that I wasn't a potential customer.

"A job. 'Ere," I said pointedly and seriously.

He reacted just as I thought he would.

He damn near laughed his ass off as if I had told him the punchline to a joke, which in his eyes I have. I was a living breathing joke of the universe.

"You can't be serious! Look, let me be real with you here. You look like a literal bum that doesn't even know how to properly use a shower. Oh and you smell like it to, believe me." He chortled snobbishly. "Did you really think that you'd actually get a job here when you look like that?"

I sighed, looking down at the varnished wood counter. "It was worth a shot. Speaking of, how much does a bottle of beer cost?"

***

To say in the least, my day was unsuccessful.

Although, I feel it was slightly my fault from being tipsy as a result of the two bottles of beer that I had downed previous. After the fifth person snidely said that I was 'ineligible for their place of establishment' I lost it and told them to shove their fancy words up their ass, along with a few other choice words.

The alcohol didn't numb me enough.

There's nothing that I can do to better my situation if I remain homeless like this.

It's five now and I have a brown paper bag containing an order of medium fries from Burger King. It was all I could afford for Carter after I splurged on beer beforehand.

It still didn't numb me enough.

I've just entered the oh so famous park. All sarcasm aside, it is actually famous. Many people come here for this and that whether it's to relax or for their lunch break.

Already, I could see the tell-tale signs of a sleeping Carter on our bench. His too small back would gently rise and fall with each soft breath he drew. Carefully, I took Carter into my arms.

Green eyes were hidden behind closed eyelids. Dark eyelashes just barely kissed the tops of his hollow cheek bones.

He keeps getting skinnier.

I've been giving him food, but I guess that lately he just hasn't been eating it.

Without sparing a second, I began my tiring trek towards the shelter. Carter stirred in my arms, a small yawn leaving his small mouth. "Love you, Dada."

"Love you too baby boy," I said while lightly stroking his soft curly hair with my free hand. "Sleep well an' be good for Miss Martha an' Miss Perrie, 'kay?"

As he nodded, he snuggled closer to my chest.

Already, there was a prominent line of women and children in front of the shelter. Drearily, I drag myself to the back to wait. A solid half hour later was when I finally made it to the front of the line.

With care, I shift Carter to my occupied arm as I began signing him in. "Hey Martha." I greet her tiredly.

She peers at me, a smile as tired as mine on her face, "hey Lou, any luck?"

Pursing my lips tightly, I shook my head.

"Don't worry Lou, I'm sure you will find employment somewhere sometime soon."

"Thanks Martha," I say as I hand Perrie Carter, the fries, then my guitar. I press a light kiss to his forehead. "Please take care of him."

With a heavy heart, I could do nothing but watch as Carter and my guitar were taken from me.

Even in my drunken state, I still understand the importance of the two.

They are my whole life after all.

***

This night is no different than any other.

I am drunk.

Although one thing is different.

Instead of laying on the bench and falling instantly asleep, I lay on the bench with thoughts of that green eyed devil.

I wonder about his life, if he's the successful one out of all this.

I wonder if he even remembers me.

I wonder what he would do if he knew he had a son.

Would he accept either of us?

Where even is he in this very moment?

Is he thinking about me too?

With these thoughts unrelenting in my tireless brain, I eventually fall asleep, longing to have nothing more than my baby in my arms to chase away thoughts of his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it starts out slow, but bear with me please, things are about to get interesting.
> 
> Love you all!


	4. Sunshine that Couldn't Keep the Devil Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

When I wake the next morning, I follow my routine of cracking my fingers, my back, then proceeding to puke into the nearest garbage can.

This morning felt different than the others, maybe sky had something to do with the ominous mood. It was dark with gathering depressing storm clouds that were pregnant with rain.

Then again, it's nothing new for there to be rain in London.

Rain can be a beautiful graceful thing.

But it can also be an unforgiving torrent of cold and lethargy.

Before all of this, I was the type of person to think of the first option when it came to rain, but now... Now when it rains, I am reminded of my loss of self. Whenever it rains, I am reminded of my failure, how I cannot fully provide for my own son.

When it rains, I am reminded that no matter how much food I buy Carter, in the end he remains homeless because of my mistakes.

He's the one who has to endure the pain that comes from the rain.

Crossing my arms across my chest, I rubbed at the limbs that grew chilled as cold air nipped at the already dampened skin through my worn out flannel.

It's definitely colder today.

I used to hate the cold, but now... I need to deal with it.

Complaining is not a granted luxury in this sort of life.

Carrying the usual weight of my heavy heart, I began my day. 

Something was still off, but I ignored it, as I began walking.

No matter how many steps I took, I couldn't get rid of the weird sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

***

The shelter is much busier today due to the much longer line of people waiting. This usually happens around the holidays and bad weather, making it difficult for me to assure Carter a room during this time of the year.

Everyone knows that there's going to be rain today.

I wait twice as long as my usual fifteen minutes.

When I reach the front, I could tell that stress was beginning to take its toll of both Martha and Perrie. That's what happens around this time of the year. All they want to do is be helpful by providing shelter for the women and children who don't have one.

When she has to deny someone a room due to maximum capacity, I can see the pain in Martha's old eyes.

I have witnessed it first hand when she needed to turn Carter down.

It's in her eyes whenever I leave in the evenings because she knows that I don't quite belong anywhere either.

"Hey Martha, I'm here to sign out my son, Carter Timothy Tomlinson," I say, cutting our banter short, knowing that she's busy today.

Martha looked over to Perrie who wasn't even texting today. The blond haired woman nodded as she hurried up the old creaky stairs.

She handed me the usual pen and pointed where to sign out on the check-out log. "You know the procedure," she said while the woman behind me began signing herself in.

Nodding more so to myself, I began to sign Carter out quickly, yet carefully since I knew that my hand was not steady.

The moment I finished, my guitar was slung over my shoulder, and my desire to hold my baby boy was fulfilled as Carter's small warm body was pressed against mine yet again. Just holding him warmed me instantly. His curl-filled head was nestled in the crook of my neck as small arms wrapped themselves tightly around my neck, hugging me closely.

"Hey Little C," I said quietly, as I signed my name, effectively signing him out of the shelter.

"Missed you Dada," Carter mumbled softly into my neck. I didn't answer immediately, wanting finish things with Martha so that she could continue with her job.

When I got the okay from her, I waved slightly, wishing her luck silently as I walked out the door.

Cold air hit Carter and I's bodies like a wall of ice.

His tiny body trembled as he tucked his arms into himself and buried hid face into its usual spot beneath my chin.

I rubbed his back, the friction bringing heat to my fingertips and hopefully to Carter's back as well.

"I missed you too sweetheart. Do you remember what I told you yesterday about what would happen if I got a job?"I asked him.

The brush of his hair against my throat confirmed that he had nodded.

"Can you tell me what I said?" I asked, testing his knowledge.

Carter turned his head slightly so that I could hear his small voice. "D-Dada sssaid that-t w-when get a j-job, c-can st-stay t-toget'er f-f-fo'ever an' ever," Carter explained through his shivering.

"And ever after that," I finished, trying to ignore the constant shivers that plagued his small body. Out of pity, I held him closer to me as I looked up at he dark clouds.

Then again, when was the last time that someone took pity on me?

***

Carefully, as I have done every morning, I set Carter down on his feet onto the frost kissed grass. "Go play, Little C."

"B-b-but D-Dada, y-you said-d y-you st-stay wif me t-today." Carter whined, reaching his arms up towards me, begging to be picked back up as he went up on the tips of his toes.

_Looking back, I wish that I had picked him up_... But I didn't. I stood my ground against my almost three year old child.

"I only said maybe Carter, not a definite yes. Now go play." I repeated as I removed my guitar from my back. Stringed instruments tend to untune significantly from temperature changes, so tuning may be tricky today.

He sniffled, the tell-tale sign of tears. "Y-you al-always say-y tha'," Carter complained, looking up at me with tear-filled green eyes. "An' it too-oo c-cold, Dada."

Bending to his level, I placed a light hand to his shivering shoulder while I held my guitar in the other. "I'm sorry baby, but you're going to have to deal with it for now, Baby Bear. I'll tell you what, though. I'll bring you Haribo when I come back." I bargained. It was only fair. I get my beer and Carter gets his colourful bear shaped candies.

With a trembling hand, he wiped away one of his own tears as he silently nodded, though I could tell that he didn't really mean it. "Ok-kay," Carter mumbled.

Lightly, I thumbed away one of Carter's wet salty tears. "That's my good boy." I risked setting down my guitar on the ground to unbutton my flannel and remove it from my arms. Instant goosebumps arose to my arms as I was left in nothing but a white T-shirt. Without hesitating, I placed the material onto Carter's own body. "That should help, now go run along and play."

Without another word, Carter sadly walked away towards the children's section of the park. As he did, I could feel my own heart tug out of sadness and guilt as I saw my over-sized shirt trail on the ground even though it was buttoned around him.

That was when I made the promise that I would get a job so that I can spend the rest of eternity alone with Carter.

It'd only be us and the rest of the world can kiss our asses, because I'm not going to let them hurt my little baby bear even more than it already has.

He can't take too much more of this.

I don't even know if he can last another winter.

***

My job searching today consisted of hurrying throughout the city of London searching for evidence of any job nearby that'd take me in as their employee. I even resorted to entering random stores and small businesses, desperate for employment.

My luck changed for the better when I spotted a sheet of paper that was newly posted on a telephone post as if it was posted there just for me.

I read the paper and gathered that employment is open for a guitarist to accompany a male singer for a new club that's opening called 'The Beat'. Auditions start tomorrow at noon.

My heart skipped a beat at the perfect opportunity and I would have jumped for joy if I had the energy. Finally I will be able to keep my promise to my baby boy.

Wasting no time, I made my way quickly through a crowd of judging people to get to the nearest gas station. I grabbed a bottle of beer along with two packages of gummy bears. All together, I paid the cashier four pounds (5.18 USD).

I quickly finished the bottle and stuffed the candy into my pants pocket.

It's probably around four or five in the evening now. The rain clouds are still hauling the heavy dead weight of precipitation. From experience, I could tell that it was going to rain sometime in the night, although with it being so cold it may snow instead.

As the park came into sight, I walked slightly faster, excitement fueling my steps. After all, I did want to surprise him with his favourite candy and the fact that I just may have a job.

My heart literally stopped as I approached the bench and saw that Carter wasn't there.

I knew that something was wrong.

"Carter!" I called.

When I got no reply, I race to the children's equipment, guitar thudding against my back. My heart was beating loudly in my ears. At this point, I don't care if it gets banged up.

I can get my guitar fixed, but I can't get Carter back.

He's my baby.

My will to live.

"Carter!" I yell out his name again, desperately needing to find my baby.

My voice echoed in the otherwise dead night air that was full of only the heavy smell of precipitation.

This time after I yelled his name, I was met with small sobbing sounds that I knew belonged to Carter.

I would know, after all I was the one who had to change his nappies for fucks sake.

Quickly I turned to where I heard the sobs and from the light of the setting orange sun I could just barely see two dark forms near the swings at the far end of the park.

"Carter! Is that you!?" I called out, quickly approached the two dark figures.

They both turned to face me as I drew near.

Two pairs of green eyes were on me.

The first pair belonged to my baby, but those weren't the first pair of eyes that I saw.

The first pair of eyes I saw were those green eyes, the ones that didn't belong to Carter. They were _his_. The eyes that linger in thoughts, the eyes that I see in my nightmares, they're the eyes that I have come to hate with a burning passion.

They were the eyes that belonged to Carter's father.

When I looked back into Carter's wide eyes I noticed that there was blood all over him.

A lot of blood.

There was blood on his forehead, his cheeks, on my shirt, even in his hair, and on his hands which were reaching for me. There was so much that I couldn't even tell where it was coming from, but from a sob that came from my baby I knew that Carter was the hurt one.

My first instinct was to blame it on the green eyed devil himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> Don't give anything away for those of you who have read this already, please. :)


	5. Smothering the Sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

Under the low light, I almost wasn't able to tell where the blood was coming from, but the moment he sobbed, I immediately picked him up, not caring if I got blood on myself. When he was closer to me, I was able to see the source of the blood. A gash in his forehead where the substance was gushing from.

"What the Hell did you do now!?" I yelled at the green eyed man, speaking to him for the first time in three years.

Confusion was evident in his features, "excuse me?"

"You heard me!" I yelled again out of anger. Adrenaline that was coursing through my body caused for my heart to beat faster and stand that much taller. I was prepared to fight if it was to protect my baby. Our baby, I heard somewhere in my mind, but I chose to ignore it. "What the fucking Hell did you do to my son!?"

I usually don't curse in front of Carter... this time is an exception.

He stood up straighter from his previous kneeling position. I noted that he was much taller than me, but that wouldn't stop my from kicking him in the balls if I needed to.

"I didn't do anything. I don't know what kind of problem you think you have with me, but you better drop it because I don't even know you. I found him like that, do you really think that I'd hurt a child?" Annoyance was now apparent in his eyes, but I want him to be angry like I am, to hurt like I'm hurting.

My heart clenched and my hope left me, because no he has not been thinking about me at all over the past three years. He didn't know who I am.

He didn't share the same memories as I do from that night.

Guess it wasn't that special of a night for him.

"You're about to know me really well right now, because I'm the one who's homeless right now with a two year old all because you couldn't keep it in your pants!How am I supposed to know who you are!? I know nothing about you except your dick size and yet you're surprised I'm acting like this when I find you next to our hurt son!?" I exploded, the alcohol loosened my lips so everything was coming out.

Carter buried his head in my neck, wrapping his arms around me. Warm blood oozed onto my neck and down my shirt front, but I was too pissed off to care.

"Like I said, do I even know you? You're making crazy accusations and judging by how you treat your son and I you, you are absolutely _insane_." He shot back. "You literally don't know who I am or what I'm really capable of."

He very clearly doesn't know who I am.

My blood boiled, "I thought you would have remembered me, but I guess not. I treat our son a lot better than you are right now. And I don't need to know what you think you're capable of to know that you are an _asshole_!"

He blanched, "why do you keep calling him our son!? Even if I were gay I wouldn't have a child with a filthy drunken fag like you. Who the Hell are you to say that I'm an asshole!? I'm the one who saved your son from bleeding to death! What kind of a father are you to leave your own kid out here like this with weather forecasts as they are! Were you trying to kill him or something!?"

That struck a serious chord with me and I was seriously about to kick him right in the balls, but an otherwise Carter sniffled and peeked from my neck to peer over at the now pissed off green eyed man.

"Please no yell a' my Daddy. Love so much an' he love me too. Leave alone! Not his fault I fall! Daddy need ge' job so Daddy and me can stay togethe' fo'eva." Popping his small thumb into his mouth, he snuggled back into my neck. "Daddy my head really really hurts."

My heart swelled uncomfortably to the point that I felt tears prick my eyes, but I didn't dare cry in front of this bloody twat. "It's going to be okay Baby bear, I promise.

Smartly deciding to drop the previous topic, the green eyed man looked at me with tired eyes. I noticed in the dim light that there were circles beneath them. "You should probably get him to a hospital."

"Can't." I shook my head in defeat from the situation.

What am I supposed to do now? What if he bleeds too much and dies? I can't lose my baby, I just can't. He's the only one that gives my sad life meaning.

He brings the sunshine to my life.

The tears in the corners of my eyes became that much more prominent as my heart clenched out of sadness. Breathing became harder as a lump began to form in my throat.

"Hey, don't worry-" the man in front of me went to but his arm around me as a soothing gesture, but I swatted his arm away.

"Don't you dare touch me," I said, my voice cracked from as the lump in my throat made itself that much more prominent as well.

"Jeez, sorry for trying to help," an eye roll accompanied his statement.

"Don't roll your eyes at me. Put yourself in my shoes and maybe you'd understand just a little bit better." I cleared my throat in attempts to steady my tone. "This child is m-my son, my own flesh and blood here. He's literally my life and r-right now, he's bl-bleeding to death. I can lose my son, my life. If I lose him..." I let out a sob at thought and felt myself begin to hyperventilate.

"I-I I can't let that h-happen, b-because I p-promised to keep him alive. P-promised that we'll spend forever together. I-if I'm p-protective, s-orry b-but that's what good fath-thers do. I'm not g-gonna let a lack of money g-get in the w-way of th-that." I held Carter closer, as if it would keep both of us together. Tears made their slow paths down my cheeks as I felt myself growing light-headed from the unstable breathing.

For a second there was sympathy in his green eyes, but that disappeared to be replaced with a more guarded expression. "You're going to have a panic attack if you don't calm down. I know that you don't want to scare your son even more." He tried reasoning with me.

Listening to his unfortunate voice of reason, I did my best to steady my breathing. It took a little while, but I knew that it was for Carter, so it didn't take as long for me to regulate my breathing once more. That was when my clearer mind realized what I had done.

Disgust towards my own self registered in my head. _How could you let your guard down like that!?_ My brain screamed at me.

I wiped away my tears with a shaky hand and looked down at Carter, realizing that he was the one in need of my attention right now. "How- how are you doing baby boy?"

"Lotta red stuffs," Carter murmured into my neck, referring to his blood.

"I know sweetheart, head boo-boos bleed lots," I explained. "No matter what you need to stay awake, do you understand?" I asked, needing his confirmation.

"M'sleepy Dada." Carter informed, sounding far away as he did so.

"I know Little C, but you need to stay awake for me," I said, nearly pleading with the toddler.

"M'kay," came his only small response.

That was when the green eyed man decided to speak up. "There's a free children's clinic nearby. They will give him whatever treatment he needs there."

I couldn't tell whether or not he was lying, but in that moment I didn't care and in my moment of weakness I took a leap of faith.

I believed his words.

I didn't care about anything except for my son.

***

My eyes stung from tears that I refused to let fall. It's been an hour of waiting in the clinic waiting room and I am in complete disbelief. I cannot believe that they won't let me see my own son.

Its been way longer than what they said it was going to be.

Beside me sat Carter's father. If I cry again I know that he'll try comforting me.

Let's just say that's something that I don't want.

I even took pleasure in the fact that his eyes remained stoically guarded, not an inkling of sympathy could be made out in the cold green eyes. Never have I needed anyone's sympathy and this excuse of a man sitting beside me is not an exception.

Silence and tension filled the room as neither of us even dared to glance at each other.

The person to get rid of both factors was a doctor in a white coat when he walked in through the double doors. He first cleared his throat, "visitors for Carter Tomlinson?"

I've never shot out of a seat as fast as I did in that moment. My guitar hit against my back uncomfortably and I cleared my throat in attempts of destroying the knot that had formed there. Even still my voice cracked on my one worded answer, "visitor."

It was meant as a correction so that both he and the green eyed devil knew that I was the one going into that room alone.

As I was lead to Carter's room, I did everything to mentally prepare myself to face whatever condition Carter is in. When I pushed open the door, I thought that I was prepared.

I thought wrong.

Nothing could have ever prepared me for seeing my small sunshine in such a big bed hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor that was steadily beeping. Even though his pale sleeping face seemed barely harmed (minus the large bandage on his forehead and a few scrapes) the doctor's grave face spoke a different tale.

"Is- is he okay?" I quietly asked, almost not wanting to know the answer.

The doctor looked me in the eyes, "he needed stitches for his head injury, which was minor. However he needed a blood transfusion as well due to the substantial amount of blood that he lost. Something didn't seem right with him bleeding this abnormal amount for-"

I cut him off as I felt the anxiety climbing up my throat to interject its own opinion, "head injuries bleed more, I know."

"As correct as that is Mr. Tomlinson, in Carter's case there was way too much blood loss for such a small injury, so I drew a blood sample for testing. From testing, we were able to conclude that Carter has early signs of an aggressive form of leukemia in his blood. He's even portraying some of the symptoms as well physically. I'm afraid that his state will only worsen if his living conditions don't change. He will deteriorate that much more rapidly without chemo or radiation therapy. I suggest him staying in an actual hospital where they can take care of him."

I ran my hands through my already tousled hair. The diagnosis didn't really seem like Carter's. "I- I... that'd cost a lot of money and I literally have at most thirty pounds (38.73 USD) saved up." I halted my line of thinking as skepticism entered my thinking. "Are- are you sure that's the right diagnosis for Carter? That's not for another patient or something? And are you completely certain that it's leukemia?"

"Mr. Tomlinson, I really am sorry, but that is the correct diagnosis for Carter. Carter has leukemia." The doctor said again, looking away from me this time.

That's when it really set in.

My entire body literally began to shake as I whispered to my self, "no no no no not my baby my sunshi-" my voice cracked and I cut myself off.

"The truth is that he will die if he continues living like he is." He spoke, trying to make me understand that this was in fact very real.

I glanced at the peaceful face of my son as he slumbered.

He was perfect from the outside, even with the large bandage and scrapes. He was an angel displaying nothing but sunshine even in his sleeping state.

The inside of Carter was a different story. On the inside, my baby bear was hurting. His sunshine glow was going to slowly fade away and on the inside was where it was going to start. He was dying in front of me as I stared doing nothing.

My mental blockade crumbled as I saw my lifeline slowly disappearing.

Quickly and silently, I walked out of the room, knowing that I'd cry if I stayed any longer and that was something that I didn't want to do with Carter present. When I entered the waiting room, I was surprised to see the curly haired man sitting in his chair still waiting for results.

I ignored him and sat back down in my chair, throwing my guitar onto the ground haphazardly before burying my face in my cold shaking hands.

Breathing grew difficult as despair clenched my heart and lungs in its aggressive fists. My breaths came out in short pants at the fact that my own creation, my son was dying.

To make it worse, there was absolutely nothing that I could do.

My hands are tied.

At that realization, my mental blockade was destroyed entirely as was the dam behind my eyes resulting in my body shaking from violent yet silent sobs.

There wasn't enough oxygen for me to make sounds.

_He's going to die because of you._ My mind told me.

Without Carter, there'd be no more light in my light. The sunshine keeping me alive was going to leave me to drown in darkness.

So this is how panic feels like, how it feels to have your world crash around you, how it feels to _really_ be powerless.

In the end I knew that I could only point the finger at myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <.<  
> >.>  
> Tissues anyone?


	6. Rejection's Sting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

"You need to calm down," I heard a familiar deep concerned voice say. "You're having a panic attack and you need to listen to me to get out of it."

I didn't say anything, unable to get any words out as the tight pain in my chest was made more prominent, but I knew that I needed to listen to this voice to get out of this state.

A large steadying hand was placed on my shaking back and I tensed at the touch.

"Relax. Focus on my hand and my voice okay?"

My dizzy head did its best to focus on the warm contact I felt through the thin material of my shirt. That was what kept my head rooted in reality instead of floating away to another place entirely.

"You're doing great. Now listen to my breathing and match yours with mine."

I could hear louder heavier breaths being taken from this person to guide me. Doing my best, I listened to this man. With his help, I was able to even out my breathing, break out of my head space, and return to the waiting room around me.

That was when I sat up from my previous hunched over state to look at whose hand was on my back. I was surprised to see that the large hand belonged to a person with green eyes that held concern as well as tiredness.

I flinched away from the touch, scooting to the far end of my chair away from him so that it broke his contact with my back.

"Are you okay?" He asked, unsure if I was completely fine, but oh trust me I am more than fie.

"Leave me alone," I croaked from my dry throat.

"Your son can't be that bad. He probably needed a few stitches at most right? He's going to be-" I immediately cut him off there.

"Don't you dare continue that sentence because it's not true." I harshly said my sentence, not needing him to be the one to bring on a new round of tears at the reminder.

The reminder that Carter was not going to be okay.

The reminder that my son was going to do.

The reminder that this was my fault and I couldn't do anything to keep my son alive.

"My words are true," he continued trying to offer me comfort even though I made it very clear that I didn't want it, not from him anyway. "All he had was a cut on his forehead, the damage couldn't possibly be that bad. He couldn't be dying or anything."

Something within me snapped at the joking words, "well his is dying, actually. Carter has fucking leukemia okay!? I'd say that's pretty fucking serious if you ask me. Our... _my son_ is going to die you know, and I can't do anything to prevent that."

Startled green eyes held guilt at his previous statement and he did the one thing that he could, "I apologize, I didn't know."

I chuckled bitterly at the tears that chose to spill over. As emotional as I get while drunk, these tears weren't from the alcohol. In fact, this whole situation has been quite sobering.

"Yeah, I am too." I mumbled, wiping away the warm salty solution from my cheeks. "So what 'words of comfort' do you have for me now?" I was trying to mock him, even turning to look in his direction.

Green met blue as he stared me directly in the eyes as he spoke his next words without hesitating. "I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain that you're going through right now. I do understand that words won't help you or heal your son, but I do know how pain feels. All pain feels the same, the degree is all that varies. So Ii know that things may seem hopeless right now, but I know that you will make it through. Right now, you _need_ to focus on staying strong for both yourself and for your son."

Silence grew between us and I just stared at him stupidly, having no words to suffice compared to the revelation that he just poured out for me.

The words did not bring comfort to me, but I found myself accepting them nonetheless.

The silence remained between us until that same doctor walked back in. "Mr. Tomlinson, Carter is awake and asking for you."

This time when I picked my guitar up and got up. This time, I allowed for the green eyed man to follow us to Carter's room. I steadied the thoughts in my mind because right now I just need to be there for my baby. The doctor held the door open for Harry and I.

"Daddy!" Carter called to me, reaching for me. Small green eyes were full of liveliness and joy the moment the met mine. I know that once I tell him about the cancer that his eyes will no longer be full of the same vibrancy.

I managed a small weak smile for him as I sat at the edge of the bed so that I was close to him. "Hey baby bear," I ran a hand through his hair, terrified that I'd somehow hurt him more.

My heart melted, but my fear was still very much present as Carter sat up to fist my blood spattered T-shirt in his tiny fists, forcing me to move closer to him. Needing the contact, yet afraid that I'd hurt him, I loosely wrapped my arms around his small form. I noticed that my flannel was nowhere in sight, but that wasn't what mattered right now. "How do you feel hon?" I asked him carefully.

"M'tired and m'head hurts, but m'okay." I felt his fingertips lightly tracing an old scar on my wrist that I had made myself at thirteen years old, but I ignored that. However, I couldn't ignore the sudden urge to pull my flannel sleeves over my wrists. "Is Daddy okay?"

"Of course I'm okay sweetheart. Why wouldn't I be?" I asked to avoid the subject of my state, not wanting to lie anymore than what I needed to.

"'B'cause Daddy told me I can't go on mongey bars (monkey bars), but I went on still. So I tink (think) you're mad." His shy eyes looked down in shame.

"Little C, I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. I'm happy right now that you weren't hurt too badly when you fell," I lightly pecked his forehead on an unharmed section of skin.

"Ah, so that's how you hurt yourself." The doctor chose to speak up then.

Both the green eyed man and the doctor have been silent throughout Carter and I's entire exchange.

Carter realized that there were two other people in the room and hid his face in my shirt before shyly peeking out to answer, "yessir."

"Could you explain how you got hurt?" The doctor asked Carter carefully.

"Was tryna do mongey bars like big boy 'cause a gurl told me to. I falls off an' bump head on a bar. An' den Mr. Styles ask me where m'Daddy is an' I told him I can't talk to stwangers (strangers). He said I don' needa talk to 'im. Said he's gonna stay wif me and help me til my Daddy come back. He use my Daddy's shirt an' napkins to put on boo-boo. Den my Daddy came back an' I was confoozed (confused) 'cause Daddy an' Mr. Styles was arguin'. All I can remember." Carter popped his thumb into his mouth. It was a nervous habit that he's had ever since he was a baby.

"Okay Carter. You weren't seriously injured, but you aren't entirely better." That was when the doctor glanced over to me. "I think that your father could explain it to you better than I could."

I looked down at Carter who was already looking up at me with scared eyes and I rubbed his back in attempts to soothe the small boy.

"Sweetie you're going to be okay for now, so don't worry okay?" Once he nodded, I felt slightly relieved that he understood that he wasn't in immediate danger. "Bear, when the doctor took some blood from you, he found a very bad... sickness, which is inside of you. It's so bad that you can... you can..."

The doctor came to my rescue so that I didn't have to be the one to tell him. "You can die from this sickness Carter. This could be prevented if your living conditions improve along with treatment. I have been told that you two are living on the streets, so you should try finding a home to stay in for a little while be it a friend or family member.."

Carter nodded as if he understood what the doctor was talking about, but I knew that he couldn't really comprehend all of what he was saying.

"When can leave here?" Carter chose to ask.

"Well that depends on how you're feeling," came the doctor's answer. "So how are you feeling Carter?"

"Head hurts some," Carter answered.

"On the inside or outside?" Asked the doctor.

"Inside an' outside." Carter said, leaning against my side as he faced the doctor.

"I can give you something to make the pain go away. The outside pain is probably from the stitches, but the inside pain is probably a headache. On a scale of one to ten how bad is the pain?"

Confusion filled Carter's face since he had never been taught any letters or numbers.

"Dunno," Carter said with a furrowed brow as he looked up at me for help.

"He doesn't know any numbers," I explained to the doctor, obvious guilt in laced in my tone.

The doctor nodded as if he expected this and he changed his tactic. "Does it hurt a little bit or so much that you can't deal with it?"

Carter looked back at the doctor, able to understand this question. "Jus' a little."

At that answer the doctor opened a nearby cabinet and took out a small pill bottle. Its label read 'Children's Motrin.' He took out one of the small pills and handed it to Carter. "Just chew this and swallow."

The toddler was quick to follow the instructions. "'Dis will get rid of sickness too?" Carter asked hopefully once he had swallowed the pill.

I was the one to answer his innocent question, "no hon, it will only help to make the pain go away." If only there was a pill I could take to numb my pain, but unfortunately for me there isn't. Alcohol is my substitute for that.

"Okay," Carter looked down sadly. He has nothing but me to numb his internal pain.

I understood this as I gently took his hand in my own. "It'll be okay baby bear. I will be with you every step of the way. We have always been there for each other and now is no different."

"'Kay Daddy," Carter said. Though the sadness was still there, I knew that my words did their job of soothing him some.

After a moment of silence, the doctor spoke up. "I threw away your shirt by the way. It was so covered in blood that I didn't think you'd want it... Carter can be discharged now. He just needed stitches and the blood transfusion, but he's okay now. I'm afraid to say that we need the bed space, so I have no choice but to ask you to leave.

***

Twenty minutes later, an exhausted Carter was asleep in my arms and 'Mr. Styles' and I were whisked outside in the cold where it was snowing just slightly. I didn't get my flannel back, but Harry did give me his jacket, stating he had plenty of others at home. I accepted it for Carter's sake, too exhausted myself to be stubborn.

"You really should listen to the doctor." The green eyed man, who is now Mr. Styles, told me.

"Please don''t tell me what to do, especially when it involves taking care of my kid." I answered with a bit more bite than intended, my lack of sleep and mental state being the cause for that.

"Well according to you he's my son too," Harry answered back with just as much harshness in his words.

"You can't just claim that he's your son now after three years. I mean where were you at all throughout any of these three years? Where were you when Carter was one, almost two when he needed to be responsible for taking care of my guitar? Lets not forget to mention when I was pregnant with him and on the Goddamn streets. You weren't here when I went into labour. You didn't even hold him as a newborn, I was the first person to ever hold or care or love him. It was just me. You were nowhere in the picture." Years of hurt were thrown into my words. "Therefore, you have no right to even call him yours."

"It takes two to make a baby and right now you're acting like you made this baby on your own and-"

I cut him off, "it may take two to make a baby, but it Carter's case it only took one to raise him into who he is today. If you are so set on wanting to suddenly be a father now, then why don't _you_ take him to live in your house with you? Why don't _you_ carry out the doctor's orders?"

"No," he answered coldly. Yet another rejection to add to my impossibly long list.

"Please?" I was willing to beg if it was for Carter's sake. "I'd do anything to keep him alive. He is your child too after all. I- I can's just watch him die and do nothing to prevent it. He's my everything. I'd rather him live than me and you should feel the same way if you want to claim to be his father."

"My final answer is no, don't try changing my mind. You are nothing to me, that's all you will amount to anyway. Your line should be cut off anyway."

"Yeah, I had a feeling you'd answer like that." I said dryly. Suddenly I really needed a drink.

Letting me have the last word, he turned his back on me for the second time in my life.

He answered just how I thought he would.

His rejection hurt way more than the rejection of any of my employers, because I knew what he was the only one who would possibly be willing to take Carter in.

I knew that there was now way for Carter to get better while living on the streets like this.

I knew that good and well, soI did the one thing that I could do.

I accepted it.

But that didn't mean that I wouldn't still do everything in my power to keep my baby alive for as long as I am able to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how are you doing?


	7. Taken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.  
> Watch this video for how Louis' audition sounds like: https://youtu.be/hL3rJ8Tt78s

When I woke up, Carter's small body was tucked tightly in mine. He had to stay with me last night since it had been too late to get him to the Women and Children's shelter. To keep him warm, I wrapped Styles' jacket around Carter, knowing that he was the one who needed to keep warm more than me.

Last night that jacket and my own body had to suffice as a blanket for Carter.

Though I'm freezing from exposure, I didn't care because my baby was warm. I could care less if I end up dying of hypothermia. As long as Carter is okay, I'm okay with it.

Even still, small shivers wracked through his unconscious body. The activity caused for his pant leg to ruck up slightly, which revealed a dark bruise forming on his ankle. Carefully avoiding the dark bruise, I pulled the pant leg over his leg to cover the dark mark. Even still I managed to lightly brush against the purpled skin, which caused him to whimper, receding further into my chest.

He's so small like this. I could hold him in my arms like this for eternity

Over the horizon, the sun began to make its appearance, so I knew that it had to be about six in the morning at least. I lightly nudged Carter's shoulder, "Little C, it's time to wake up okay?"

He stirred in his sleep, however when he shook his head I could tell that he had heard me. "D-Don' wan-na D-Dad-dy."

Regret filled me for waking him. "Sorry hon, but Daddy has an audition to go to. If Daddy does well enough, then I can get a job. Once I get that job then hopefully we can get the right treatment and stuff to make you better. So you really need to get up so Daddy can go."

"O-k-kay," Carter sighed, opening his eyes as he sat up. "We're g-gonna g-g-get t-to be t-toge'ter fo'ever, r-right?"

"And ever after that." I confirmed, getting off of the bench with my guitar on my back. I helped Carter down and my heart clenched as I saw him wince even though he tried to hide the pain.

He didn't give me time to answer, choosing to wrap his arms around my legs in a loose hug. I stooped down lower so that we could hug properly. As careful as I tried to be, Carter still winced.

"Is something hurting Little C?" I asked him, confused as to how he could have gotten hurt in such a short span of time.

"My b-b-back hurts l-lots Daddy," Carter answered, burying his face into me.

Scared to hurt him further, I scrunched my brow, "where on your back?"

"Ev-verywhere. Only hurts when getsss t-touched," he answered and I removed my arms from his back and turned him around so I was facing his back.

"Okay Carter," when speaking I was sure to speak slowly and low so that he wouldn't suddenly get scared. Carter has been know to get scared by loud noises as well as sudden actions. "I am going to lift your shirt to see what the problem is. It might be a little bit cold, but it's going to be okay sweetheart."

Carter didn't answer and his breathing stayed even, so I knew that he was okay.

Slowly, I lifted his ragged shirt, making the mental note to buy Carter a new one soon. Immediately, I was met with the saddening sight of dark bruises covering Carter's back as well as sections of his sides.

My stomach grew nauseous when I saw that a few bruises were hand print shaped. Instantly I knew that I was the one who caused those ones by holding him too tight. Carefully, I hid the bruises with his shirt again and fixed the jacket so that it was draped around his small form.

"The- the bench must have caused your back to bruise baby bear," I said quietly.

"Hurtsss l-lotsss... c-can g-give me a p-p-pill Dadd-d-dy?" Carter asked pleadingly as he turned to me.

"Sweetheart I'm sorry but I don't have any..." I trailed off as I remembered something that I did have. "But I do have Haribo if you'd like some, C."

Instantly his eyes lit up, "p-please?"

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out one of the crinkly packages filled with the gummies before placing them into his small cold hands. He really needs mittens. I should really buy him mittens. "Don't eat too many or else you'll get sick. Try to save some for later if you can. I need to go now, okay?"

"'K-kay Daddy," Carter nodded, going for another hug as he wrapped lanky arms around my waist once more. "L-love y-you."

"Love you too baby boy." I pecked the top of his head before standing up.

***

I was sitting in a chair with my guitar two and a half hours later waiting for my name to be called up next.

In that amount of time, I was able to tune my guitar and check to see if it was still functional after all the rough treatment last night.

Many other people have went up onto the mini stage in front of me. Some were okay, some were really good, and then others were just crap.

"Eh, Lewis Tomlinson?" A male voice called out. It's been the same name calling all the people to the stage. I'm going to guess that he was the owner of 'The Beat'. I am also going to guess that he mispronounced my first name.

So with my slightly banged up guitar in hand, I walked onto the stage.

"It's actually Louis, not Lewis," I corrected him tiredly. I hadn't slept at all last night. I was awake protecting Carter and my guitar.

"Well then Louuuuuiiiiisss," he drew out the last part of my name to probably mock me. "You look poorly dressed for an audition such as this. I would have thought that someone set on getting this job would have taken the time to dress more... efficiently."

The man beside him chuckled.

I realized that they were both sort of assholes and they both made my blood boil, but I quipped out my smart response. "I wear what I have. I came to play, not hear you judging me based off of my clothing. This is not a fashion show."

The first man hummed, "well then, fair enough. Lets get on with it then, what song will you be playing?"

I made my mind up quickly and easily, "'Whataya Want From Me' by Adam Lambert."

Holding my guitar gently in my relaxed grasp, I looked down at the strings. With my plastic pick, I began to softly strum out the memorized introduction. Careful not to miss a note, or play one wrong, I studied my fingers as they slid along the old fingerboard.

As the chorus came up, poured out my feelings into the notes with each strum of the piece of plastic. Closing my eyes, I let my fingers take over. Already knowing the notes by heart, I didn't need to focus on my fingers anymore.

Even though I wasn't singing, I felt like I was since I was using all the same emotions and expressions as if I were.

My guitar became my voice.

By the time I finished, I subconsciously felt the stares of people as they looked at me. When I opened my eyes I confirmed that feeling, being met with the stunned stare of the owner, the guy next to him, and a few bystanders who probably worked here since they were all wearing the same uniform.

"How old are you?" The man next to the owner asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"Twenty-one," I answered quickly, anxious to know whether or not I got the job.

"Perfect. Where are you from?" Asked the same guy.

"Doncaster." I responded. That means that they're interested in me if they want to know this... That means that I'm hired... right?

That was when the astonished owner finally broke out of whatever trance he was in. "You play well. Very well, in fact. Everyone who auditioned today lacked what you had, the passion and feeling. The entire time you were playing, I was just captivated. How long have you been playing?"

I felt as if this was some sort of talent show or something.

"Since I was six years old."

"Well Louis W. Tomlinson of Doncaster, you start working here tomorrow. We open at approximately eight, so don't be late, especially for the first day."

***

After my audition I was outside yet again, a celebratory bottle of beer in my freezing hand. My heart felt somewhat lighter from knowing that I was finally employed again. Tilting my head back, I downed the rest of the dark alcoholic beverage. I embraced the exhilarating buzz that ran down my spine afterwards.

Tossing the bottle into the nearest trash bin, I walked into the closest drug store, needing another bottle for later.

"Can I have a beer?" I asked. It was apparent that I had already been drinking from the smell of alcohol on my breath, so my ID wasn't asked for.

After paying 3 pounds (3.87 USD) I ended up with a dark bottle of cool beer in my hand that beckoned for me to drink from it. No matter how thick the temptation, I didn't consume a drop of the beverage because I plan on saving it for later.

Upon entering the park I noticed a small familiar trembling form curled up on the bench. I immediately recognized the form to belong to Carter. His small head of hair was peeking out from the head of the overly large jacket.

It was odd that he was already at the bench despite the fact that it was late afternoon. Usually he's still playing around this time.

Seeing that he was trembling even through the jacket, worry sufficed as energy to fuel my body to run over to him. "Little C are you okay?" I knelt in front of the bench, so that I was at eye level with his face. I was sure to tuck the beer bottle beneath the bench out of Carter's sight.

"Daddy I-I don' feel t-too g-good."He stuttered out through chattering teeth.

At those words, I pressed my forehead gently to the undamaged section Carter's forehead in attempts of gauging his temperature. However, I recoiled after a couple of seconds to find that he was definitely burning up.

"Did you eat C?" I asked, concern lacing through my words.

That was when Carter did something that Carter never does.

He completely ignored my question. "H-Hurts a-all ov-er."

Guilt filled my at my decision to use money to buy myself that second bottle instead of children's Motrin.

Needing to be close to my son, I sat beside him and tried to take him into my arms. My stomach dropped through the ground and fear accompanied by guilt prickled at my very being when Carter cried out in pain.

"H-Hurt! D-Don' t-touch!"

"What hurts hon?" I asked gently, doing my best to stay calm despite my son's apparent pain.

"Ev-where (everywhere)," he sobbed out. Green eyed that were dark with pain and fear met mine. Doing my best to stay gentle, I held him closer to me as if that was what he needed to ease his pain.

This gesture caused for his body to tremble that much harder as loud sobs left his mouth, "shhh it's okay bear."

"P-please d-d-do somet-tink to make p-pain g-go a-away, D-Daddy." Carter pleaded as fat tears rolled their way down his slimmed out cheeks.

"I can't baby bear. I'm so sorry but I can't." I said, running my hand through his hair, unsure of just what I should do.

"D-daddy c-can y-you please sssing?" Carter's tentative, yet pain filled voice asked me. His voice was a bit nasally due to all the crying he was doing.

As if I had physically smacked him across the face, Carter's face completely contorted in pain and his tears became that much more prominent. Shushing him, I attempted wiping away the tears with my shaking thumbs, however this caused him to sob more, replacing the tears with new ones.

When I looked up, I saw another familiar head of curls which belonged to a man with painfully familiar green eyes. They were the same eyes from last night and the same eyes from three years prior to now. In his hand was a lunch bag.

"What's wrong with him, did you take his pacifier away or something?"

"Could you just not right now? He's in pain and you're over there smirking like this is some kind of funny joke." I snapped back at him, glaring at him as I held the eye contact between us.

"D-Daddy it's ok-kay. He-he's tryna m-make you ssssmile," Carter tried to keep a steady voice, but his wobbling bottom lip made it impossible for him to speak without stuttering.

"He's not doing a very good job of that, baby bear," I murmured.

The tall green man looked down at me sitting on the bench and that made me feel so much smaller. "But seriously," he paused to kneel at both Carter and I's level. "What's wrong with him?"

"He said that he's hurting all over it's... it's the sickness," I whispered out the last part as I looked down at Carter.

"So what do you plan on doing about it?"

I looked back up at him. "I believe the right question here is what are you going to do about it? I already told you exactly what I can do, which is completely nothing. You're the one with the house who's allowing our son to suffer like this."

He freaking snorted at me, "you mean your son?"

"Why are you being so bipolar about this? Could you make up your mind for once and think about this rationally? I mean how the Hell else would you explain why he looks so much like you?"

I asked a genuine question, but just like I thought, he didn't have an answer.

"Yeah thought so. And even if he wasn't your son, then what kind of heartless monster are you to just let him die like this when you know good and well that you have the chance to save him life?"

Damp green eyes that belonged to Carter looked into my own. I wished for nothing more than to be able to get rid of those tears, to completely clear him of the pain that he was feeling.

"Please?" I resorted to begging and reasoning when Styles remained silent. "Just let him stay with you until he gets better. I don't need to go with him, it'd be just be one extra mouth to feed and he doesn't eat much as is. He's my son and he's only two, just please? I need him to stay alive. I promised him that I would keep him alive."

He looked between Carter and I before giving his answer.

"Okay."

***

I did not hesitate to talk Harry's ear off for nearly an hour, lecturing him on how to properly care for Carter, going as far as writing down his allergies on one of his unused napkins.

Once I finished, Carter handed me the unopened package of Haribo that I had given to him earlier this morning. "C-couldn't o-open it-t, a-an' wasn't h-hungry. You'll need-d it D-daddy."

I stuffed the candy in my pocket, not really caring for its well being since I probably wasn't going to eat them. I lightly pecked his pale forehead, "thank you bear. I'm going to see you after a little while. Hopefully you'll be feeling a lot better then. I love you baby boy."

"L-Love you t-too D-Daddy." Carter said. Although his eyes were sad, he did nothing to act out on that.

When the green eyed man picked up Carter, he was sure to exclude the jacket that he gave me last night. Wanting it to be with Carter, I picked up the jacket and went to wrap it around the toddler.

"Keep it. He's going to be fine." The man said, turning to leave without another word.

I watched with tears in my eyes as the green eyed man took away my one reason to live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .......
> 
> Don't worry, it's definitely not over yet.
> 
> Much more is to come.
> 
> Are your hearts prepared?


	8. Twenty Pounds and A Smile Can Go A Long Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

I managed to sleep for a couple hours here and there throughout the night. When I woke up the next morning, my limbs ached from how tightly I had been holding my guitar in my sleep.

This morning was no different from the others, I ceremoniously cracked cold knuckles, then my arms, then my back and when I got up with my guitar hoisted on my back, I began working out a kink in my neck.

However, this morning I didn't throw up because I had thrown up twice throughout the night.

That was different.

Another different thing was the fact that I had woken up quite early. The sun hadn't even made its appearance yet, but I could tell that it would be rising soon by the way the sky was turning more of a dark purple than being pitch black.

I could tell that it was also way too early for me to go to work, so I started walking with no destination in mind.

It's too early for me to play my guitar, so I have really nothing to do and nowhere to be at the moment since I don't need to pick Carter up this morning.

_Carter_. My mind wagged a scolding finger at me for thinking about that name.

I had been trying to keep my mind on non-Carter related things, but that didn't really work out well because I had nothing else to think about that was worth my time.

Memories of Carter inched their way in my mind. Memories of his eyes green eyes, his dark curls, his big heart, his hugs, his love.

Anguish had its vice-like grip around my heart and I felt tears brimming in my eyes, threatening to spill over.

I refused to let them fall, instead I rapidly blinked away the liquid.

Last night, I drank my new beer bottle and I'm starting to run low on cash already. A tremor ran through my body at the thought of the dark drink and I knew that I was going to need one soon.

Right now I have around twenty seven pounds left (35.04 USD)and I know that I need to start saving up until I have enough to rent a flat, which I know won't be cheap here in London.

Even if it costs thousands of pounds, I don't care because I am willing to do whatever it takes to see my baby again.

I'd rather die before not being able hear his laugh again, or see his smile.

His laugh was contagious. Even if I didn't always laugh on the outside, on the inside I felt a little bit lighter because I knew that Carter was happy. Everything bad just seemed to melt away whenever he smiled.

Although his green eyes are in the likeness of his other father, they were not the same at all.

Carter's vibrant green eyes were always light and innocent, displaying his youth. They remained untouched by the world despite the fact that the world has already left its dark mark on him in so many ways.

***

"Hey kiddo. I'm Cynthia and I'm the bartender around here. Here's your work shirt, you should go change into it. The boss wants to meet with you in his office to discuss your schedule." Cynthia explained to me, handing my a folded article of clothing, which I guessed to be the work shirt.

I thanked her quietly and headed into the men's bathroom. When I entered a stall and unfolded the black shirt, I saw that it was just a casual black T-shirt with the words 'The Beat' printed across the front in red bubble letters.

The new shirt didn't really match my old worn out dirty jeans, but I changed into the shirt, having no other choice.

A couple minutes later, I was knocking on an office door. The same voice from yesterday answered me, "come in."

I entered the clean and neat office, suddenly feeling very much out of place.

"Ah Louis, you're on time, which is always good for the first day. We don't have many rules around here, but punctuality is definitely important around here. If you are late more than twice, then you will be fired and easily replaced. Do you understand?"

That hurt, but I nodded regardless.

"Good. Now that we're on the same level here, my name is Simon and I'm your boss. What days can you work on?"

"Any day," I quickly answered. "I could even work all week."

"If that's what you want, then I'll make it happen. You'll start out working a six hour work day for 9.15 pounds an hour (12.65 USD). Based off your work performance, that number could either increase or decrease. At the end of the week, you get paid."

"Sounds good to me," I nodded, wanting to get this over with as soon as I could.

Twenty minutes or so later, I stood in front of a crowd made up of about forty people more or less. Next to me stood the man that had laughed at me before my audition. I found out that his name is Steve and Steve is the singer around here.

Steve was the one who spoke into the microphone. "In case you haven't noticed, we have a guitarist up here. Go on and give him a round of applause." People clapped, although I saw how a few people whispered among each other. "Great. This guy's name is Louis, and don't you dare think about giving Louis and shit or else you'll get shit from me." Steve slung a friendly arm around my shoulders.

People in the crowd laughed.

I subtly shrugged off the arm from around my shoulders.

I'm here to play and make money, not make friends.

***

"So Louis was it?" I heard a slightly raspy feminine voice say from behind me. On instinct, I turned around to come face to face with a woman who seemed to be slightly younger than me, though she could have been younger as well from the way she carried herself.

Half of her hair was bleached platinum blond while the other half remained black. Metal pierced through her nose and many pink colored tattoos decorated her skin in many places.

"They one and only," I answered as I carefully placed my guitar into its case.

"Just wanted to tell you that your playing was what definitely made the performance," she said, flashing me a smile.

"Thank you," I replied, not really sure if I liked the attention that I was getting. I zipped up my guitar case.

I was then aware of her pale hand holding out something to me. When I looked at her extended hand I saw twenty pounds (33.29 USD) being held out towards me. It was tempting to take, but I didn't dare take it.

"Take it, you seriously deserve it."

After shaking my head, I swept my fringe out of my face, placing my guitar onto its place on my back. "You keep it. It's your money, seriously don't waste it on me."

"Trust me, it's not money wasted. It's called money given. It looks like you need it more than I do. Even though I don't wear jeans myself, I know what a pair of worn out jeans look like and I know that you could use a new pair," she insisted with a wide smile on her face.

I looked down to see that she was wearing a black and white polka dotted skirt and I was also met with the sight of my own worn down jeans. "They are getting a bit worn out aren't they," I mumbled before accepting the money. "Thank you so much, this really means a lot to me."

"Psh, don't mention it. Enjoy the rest of your day... or what's left of it that is," she said as she looked out of the window to the already dark sky. I had worked a double shift today by choice.

"Only if you do the same," I managed to crack a half smile as I placed the twenty pounds along with the rest of my money in my guitar case pocket.

"Oh and enjoy those new jeans," she jokingly threw over her shoulder as she turned to walk out of the building.

I chuckled for the first time I gave Carter to that green eyed stranger. "Oh I definitely will," I said, but I knew that I'd save it towards the flat that I wanted to buy for Carter and I.

Only when the woman walked out did I notice that a complete stranger, whose name I didn't even know, gave me money because of my playing and I probably wouldn't even see her again in my life.

***

Upon arriving at the park, I half expected to see Carter asleep on our bench waiting for me.

However, that was not the case.

That night I sat on the bench, clutching my guitar to my chest. Although sleep blurred my eyes, I had no intentions of falling asleep anytime soon.

I need to make sure my guitar is protected, so I plan on waiting to sleep until way later into the night when I know that no one will even be awake.

Desperate to stay awake, I began lightly bouncing my leg up and down against the frozen grass. However, I soon found that the motion tires me out, so I stood up, placed my guitar on my back, and walked to the kid section of the park, seating myself on one of the swings for larger kids.

Swinging always takes me back to my childhood, back to when my mum would take my sisters and I to the park every Saturday. I was such a small child and my feet could never really reach the ground, so my mum would push me on the swings and help me down when I was done.

I sigh at the memory, wishing that I was able to push Carter on these swings.

Clutching my guitar to my chest, I tried pretending that it was Carter, but it didn't really work out.

Carter was warm and alive.

I longed to feel his curls tickle against my neck, to feel his heartbeat against my body, to feel him cuddle into me.

Regret filled me for giving up my son, however guilt replaced that when I realized how selfish I was being.

If this is what keeps him alive, then I'm going to have to deal with it.

Since I don't have Carter to protect anymore, I need to protect my guitar so that won't be taken away as well.

I've already lost my reason to live, I don't need to lose my only way to get it back.

To get _him_ back.

I don't want to be alone forever without me sunshine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So do you guys know who the stranger woman was?
> 
> I'll reveal in the next chapter.


	9. Storm Clouds that Block Out the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.
> 
> https://i.pinimg.com/736x/fe/11/45/fe114578983d813dc4953011323305b2--melanie-martinez-outfits-cry-baby-melanie-martinez.jpg
> 
> If you guessed Melanie Martinez on the last chapter, you were right :) The above link shows the picture of how she looks like.
> 
> This chapter starts out with Harry's p.o.v. when he's taking Carter into his home.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

(Harry's p.o.v.)

Honestly, I don't even know why I agreed to letting a stranger's child stay in my home. Maybe it's because I felt the slightest bit protective over him, so I didn't want him to die over something that I could have easily prevented.

Though his father may be delusional, that doesn't mean that Carter has issues too.

I couldn't help but think about my girlfriend Sophia.

I don't even know how she's going to react to this. She tends to overreact to things.

When I said 'okay', I wasn't thinking about Sophia, I was thinking about the possibility of saving a two year old's life since his actual father couldn't do so himself.

When I walked through the front door with Carter in my hold, I was immediately met with feet rushing downstairs that I knew belonged to Sophia. The moment she reached the last step, her once happy features hardened when she saw the toddler in my arms.

"And who is he?" she asked, aiming a brutal stare at Carter whom buried his face in my chest to hide from the menacing stare.

"His name is Carter Tomlinson. He has leukemia and he is going to die if his living conditions don't improve," I explained, laying him down gently onto the couch.

"And you didn't even think to ask me if all of this was okay first?" Sophia asked, placing her hands at her hips.

"My house my rules. Therefore I don't need your permission to do anything," I said shortly, keeping my temper in check.

"Oh really? But am I not your girlfriend? Shouldn't I get to have a say in what happens in the house that I live in too?" Sophia clipped back.

"Doesn't matter Sophia. You don't even pay the bills to stay here. Even if this wasn't my house, what gives you the authority over me to decide what decisions I choose to make? I don't need your okay to make my decisions." There was a tone of dismissal with my last sentence that she definitely didn't miss.

"Fine." Sophia walked back upstairs, head held high in arrogance much like a child would. At heart, Sophia was still a child, but definitely not in a good way. She never listens to me and sometimes I wonder if she even loves me like I love her.

Not once during the two years of us being together has she ever said _I love you_ and meant it.

A small whimper from Carter brought me out of my pondering. "You good there kiddo?" I asked as I took off his small shoes that.

Even though he nodded, his shuddering body said different.

"Are you cold?" I asked, truly concerned for his well being.

He is in my care after all.

All he did was nod again.

"Okay, come follow me," I got up. He followed on shaky legs. Doing my best not to hurt him, I placed a light hand on his small back, but he ended up wincing anyway, so I instantly withdrew my hand from the area. "Just follow me," I repeated the instructions softly.

I didn't expect much from him anyway, so I wasn't surprised when he nodded again. When we entered the spare guest room, he looked quizzically at the bed. I watched on in confusion as he pulled the blanket from off the bed and went to lay on the floor as if he would rather sleep there than the bed.

"Carter, you sleep on the bed, not the floor. Here let me help you."

The confusion didn't leave his features when I tossed his shoes in the corner of the room so that I could gently pick him up and set him down on the twin bed. I grabbed the blanket from off the floor and used it to tuck in his small trembling form.

"Well... um sleep well. If you get hungry you can just come downstairs and ask for something."

His curl filled head, that scarily resembled my own, nodded once more before he turned on his side to face away from me.

I closed the door behind me when I exited the room and I went downstairs, plopping myself onto the couch, immediately turning on the TV to the news. 

"...multi-millionaire Harry Styles has been seen in the streets of London with a small boy in his hold. Is that his and Sophia's adorable son? Has Harry been cheating on Sophia with-?" I pressed the mute button with a sigh of annoyance.

There were dimly lit pictures of me holding Carter in my arms walking to my house.

I mean sure I have a lot of money and I may be in the music business, but that doesn't mean that they need to monitor my every move! The tips of my ears heated up at the thought. Don't I deserve some privacy too!?

Pushing up my sleeves, I stepped out onto the porch. I took out an emptying pack of cigarettes and my lighter. Once I had a lit cigarette, I placed it between my lips as I put away the rest of the pack and the lighter. Deeply, I inhaled the smoke, allowing for it to swirl around my lungs before blowing out puffs of smoke into the evening air.

The repetition of this action helped clear my mind of any thoughts that I had.

Even still one thought chose to linger even still.

I was confused to find myself wondering of the well being of Carter's blue eyed father.

A part of me, for some reason, needed to know how he was doing.

***

As I stared up at the starry sky, I was aware of a small hand tugging at the hem of my shirt. With a furrowed brow, I looked to see a coughing Carter and I instantly put out my third cigarette, a quiet curse leaving my mouth.

"Hey Carter, what are you doing out here?"

I was met with a stare, as if he expected me to know what he wanted. It was sort of unnerving to look into his eyes since they were an exact duplicate of my own. My previous words made their way into my head, "oh, you must be hungry then. Would you like food?"

Sleepy green eyes flickered at the mention of food and his stomach growled indicating that Ii was correct.

"Food it is then. Do you want anything in particular to eat?" I walked back inside with Carter, shutting and locking the door behind us.

When we entered the kitchen, he nodded without saying anything. I helped him into a chair that was way too big for him, but he persisted by sitting up on his knees.

His silence is starting to really annoy me. "Then will you tell me what you want?"

All he did was point behind me and I turned to look behind me and saw a jar full of gummy bears on top of the fridge. With an impatient sigh, I grabbed the jar, poured a handful into my hand, then set them on the table for Carter.

"This is all you're getting. I don't want you getting sick off of candy."

This time, he didn't even bother to acknowledge me, too absorbed with eating the candy. I watched him eat, wanting to make sure that he was okay. After he finished, I helped him back upstairs to his room and closed his door once again.

Having nothing better to do, I sat back down to watch the muted TV. Sophia bitches when I have the TV on too loud, so I keep it muted.

I prefer to read the subtitles anyway.

***

It was approximately 3:18 a.m. when I decided that I had watched enough television, so I turned it off and walked upstairs. I paused at the guest room door when I heard small muffled sobs.

Deciding that I probably didn't need to knock, I walked into the room, finding Carter curled up beneath the thick blanket, small form shaking from the sobs that left his mouth.

"What's wrong?" I asked, cautiously sitting at the edge of the bed.

Noticing my presence, his sobbing ceased and his sniffled multiple times, however I could tell that he was holding in the sobs.

"Can I do something for you?" I asked, hating to hear his small cries.

He shook his head, still facing away from me.

"Do you want something?" I asked.

I was met with another head shake.

"Do you need anything?" I asked, sounding a bit desperate, but I didn't really care. I just wanted to stop his crying. Someone so young shouldn't need to go through so much pain so early on in life.

"Daddy," was all his small broken voice said in a plea.

I'm starting to understand that the greatest pain this kid was going through wasn't physical at all, it was all emotional.

He missed his father.

That's something that we can both relate to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are your hearts holding up?


	10. House of Memories

(Back to Louis' p.o.v.)

I found myself walking down a familiar street. It's a street that I usually only visit in my memories, but on this particular evening I found myself taking a physical walk down memory lane as my feet shuffled against the pavement of my old best friend's street.

His name had been Zayn.

He was perfect in ways that I lacked.

He had been my first and only friend since the beginning of my own time. Our mothers were great friends, which resulted in Zayn and I always hanging out.

He was my friend when things were good and, more importantly, he was my friend when things got bad.

He was my friend through the harsh bullying.

He was my friend when I made the difficult decision that I didn't like girls, that I was gay.

He was my friend when no one else wanted to be there for me.

He was my friend when I found out that I was pregnant.

During the first two months of my being kicked out, I thought things were going great because Zayn had allowed me to stay at his house.

Since it was technically Patricia and Yaser's (his parents') house, we were sure to have their permission first.

They agreed it was fine as long as I could pitch in where rent was concerned. I was able to help for the first two months, but being pregnant, an alcoholic going through withdraw, fresh out of high school, inexperienced, and unable to work, the odds were not in my favor.

I did not have nearly enough money to help pay rent for a home as expensive as theirs.

As could be expected, when the money ran out I was sent out with nothing but the clothes on my back, my guitar, and my pregnant belly in tow.

More importantly, I didn't have Zayn.

That was what left me with the loneliness.

That was what threw me back into my alcoholism.

Zayn promised me that he would find me again one day, no matter the cost.

I've been patiently waiting, but I fear that he's forgotten me by now, so I'm going to find him myself since he doesn't seem to be finding me anytime soon.

Between the two of us, Zayn was always the one to keep his promises. Never in a million years did I think he'd break this one.

I suppose there is a first time for everything after all.

These three long years haven't made me forgotten his address at all. In fact, I even remember the exact route to get there.

When I found myself standing in front of the older house, I almost couldn't believe how well maintained the house was.

The yard was well managed, which is something it wouldn't have been three years back.

Patricia's preened rose garden was no longer in its usual place. The wood swing that I helped Zayn's little sister, Safaa, onto was no longer hanging from its usual branch.

The exterior of the house was a newly painted blue. I remember that Yaser would have been too lazy to paint the house. Maybe they hired someone. Maybe Zayn did it himself.

Taking a deep breath to calm my jittery nerves, I knocked on the door, hoping no one would answer, yet fear still filled me at the possibility that someone may answer it.

The latter did not happen.

The door opened, but I was met with an unfamiliar face.

There was an elderly lady standing at the door, her frail wrinkled face held confusion. Confusion turned to guilt when they met with mine, "I apologize, but I don't have any money to spare."

"I don't want any money. I was just wondering if the Malik family still lives here?" I asked, "or where I could fins them."

"I'm sorry darling. They moved out last year, something about going to America if I remember correctly." The woman recalled. "Then again, my memory tends to fail me more often than not."

"Oh, I'm sorry for bothering you," my voice tightened from the impending threat of tears. I'll probably never see my friend again. Stepping backwards, I turned to leave, but her voice stopped me.

"No, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. How about you come inside and allow me to somehow make it up to you." The door was opened wider, escaped warmth invited me to enter, but I resisted that invitation.

"It's seriously fine. You don't need to do this, I'm used to the cold." I answered.

"Nonsense, I want to do this. Come inside before my bones freeze further." The pale woman tightened her burgundy shawl tighter around her while motioning for me towards her.

"Okay," I answered simply out of defeat. It isn't everyday that I'm invited into an actual house. "But not for too long, I have stuff to do."

The atmosphere of the house was just as warm and cozy as when the Maliks were living in it. "Are you hungry?" She asked me once I was situated on her couch and she entered the kitchen that wasn't too far from the living area.

My stomach clenched in the most uncomfortable way at the mere mention of food. "No thank you."

I was surprised that my mouth even remembered how to say the words 'thank' and 'you' in that order.

I thought that I had lost all abilities of being sincerely polite.

"What about something to drink, how does tea sound?" She persisted. I felt the sudden need to feel the burn of alcohol trickling down my parched throat rather than scorching hot tea.

"Got anything stronger?" I asked, my gaze landing on a picture over the fireplace of a small girl embracing the old lady.

"Would you prefer coffee then? You don't really strike me as a coffee type of person." She obliviously went to gather what she needed. "Or maybe hot chocolate with this weather."

"Neither then," I answered, a tine of finality.

"Are you sure on that? I make quite the delicious hot chocolate. My granddaughter would never turn down a cup of my hot cocoa."

"My last answer was final," I quipped a bit more harshly than necessary. I cleared my throat in attempts to clear the atmosphere of the negativity that I had put into it. "Is that your granddaughter in the picture above the fireplace?"

"That is correct," she answered, coming back into the living area.

"Can you...can you tell me about her...?" My question was hesitant, however, a deep chortle left her lips.

"Of course I will, but I'll have to sit down to do that," she plopped down in her chair.

***

I didn't realize the time, but when I did, I saw that an hour and a half had passed.

I had been too engaged with listening to the intriguing words of Sadie, the old lady.

Her granddaughter Sadie was named after her and is currently ten years old.

From the old lady's fond stories of Sadie, I soon found out that her granddaughter liked horses, was quite intelligent, loved chocolate more than anything, but loved her friends and family even more than the sweet treat.

From the description, she sounded like a sweet girl.

Listening to Sadie's story of her granddaughter made my heart clench in my chest at the reminder of my own son.

"I've got to go," I said to the lady after glancing at the time, because her voice had grown tired, carrying the burden of her old age.

"Alright, I apologize I can't show you to the door, but I'm far too tired to get up. I appreciated the company even if it was only for an hour and then some."

"It's no problem, I appreciate the warmth. Thank you for welcoming me into your home." I got up, making sure that my guitar was securely on my back.

"No reason to thank me," she wrapped her shawl tighter around her frail form. "Just doing another lost soul a favor. After all, we must stick together."

No more words were exchanged between us before I walked out, a heavy heart weighing me down.

I didn't find Zayn, but I did walk out a bit wiser.


	11. Family of Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

(Harry's p.o.v. again)

I was awoken the next morning to the sound of horrible screeching.

Unfortunately, it was a familiar sound around here since the terrible sound belonged to Sophia.

Quickly, I got out of bed, running downstairs to follow the horrified screeching to locate Sophia. I was confused when I found Carter to be there as well.

The smell of piss was heavily in the air and there was a petrified Carter cowering in front of an angry Sophia.

"What's wrong Sophia?" I asked, frowning at the scene.

"The kid fucking pissed his pants! It got on the damn rug too!" Sophia exploded.

Carter ran to hide behind my leg at the sound of her yelling, a slight waddle in his gait. "Calm down Sophia, you're overreacting. He's probably not potty trained. Cut the kid some slack Soph."

"Um excuse me!? A three year old pisses on our thousand dollar irreplaceable rug from America and all you choose to defend the kid!?" She mimicked my voice, "'cut the kid some slack, Soph.' What the Hell are you thinking!? It's going to take forever to get the fucking smell out!"

Out of frustration, I swiped an impatient hand over my face and tried to remain patient. "First of all, he's two, not three. Secondly, don't curse around him, he's a child. And thirdly, I really could care less about that stupid rug. It's mine in the first place, but if you really care about it that much, then you can clean it yourself."

"I don't give a damn about his age! Why did you bring him here in the first place? No one would care if he dies anyway." Sophia said while rolling her eyes.

Just knowing that she didn't care about this child's well-being made me see red and I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. Is this what she thinks towards all dying children?

"Well I care and so does his father, so shut up before I lose my temper with you," I quipped back.

Yet again Sophia glared at me and called me a douche before marching up those damn stairs again like a child.

I sighed in relief when I no longer saw her, "come on Carter, lets get you cleaned up.

***

Only after I bathed Carter did I realize that I had no clothes at all to fit him, so I called for reinforcements, a.k.a. Liam James Payne. He's practically my partner in crime who would do anything I ask him to since I don't like being out and about due to paparazzi and all.

"Hey Li, could you do me a favor?"

"That depends on what you need Har Bear." Liam answered a bit hesitantly. Last time I had asked him to buy condoms for me, which left him embarrassed to no end, but when I apologized he said that he needed to buy more anyway. Him and his boyfriend Niall are always fucking.

I'm not even joking.

They even did it when Sophia and I were over one time... lets just say that we left early...

"I need clothing for a boy that's a toddler... make sure they're small," I answered, pausing to look over Carter's small naked form. He had decided to remove the towel from his body. Now that I could see him I saw that he was way to small for his age and green bruises in the shape of fingerprints marred his too pale back. I suppose that the paleness was somewhat hereditary. "Really small, like 18 month old small."

"Harry... is there something that you and Sophia are hiding from me...?" came Liam's slow and expected answer.

"Not at all, it's for a charity thing," the quick lie rolled easily off of my tongue. "Something tells me that Sophia isn't really the kid type of person anyway."

"If you say so Mr. Styles... I'll get the clothes to you in fifteen minutes maximum." Liam decided not to push any further.

"Thank you so much Li," I sighed in relief when I already hear shuffling from the other end.

"Don't mention it, anything for a friend." Liam said before hanging up.

"So kiddo, do you have a favorite color?" I asked while sitting on the closed toilet seat. Carter, seemed not at all phased by the fact that he was standing in front of me naked.

His eyes held confusion and there came no answer, not that I expected one anyways. "Do you like animals?" I tried asking him another question.

This time, he blatantly ignored me, which sort of ticked me off, but I acted as if it didn't. "I like animals, especially birds, because they get to be free and fly away whenever they want to. Have you ever wished you had wings; I remember that I did as a child, so I picked a career that gave me that freeing feeling. Do you like music at all?"

Something flashed in his wide green eyes as he nodded.

"I like music too, I saw that your daddy has a guitar. Does he play it well?" I asked.

All he did was nod a sad nod, as there was a light knock on the front door. Getting up, I walked to the doorway of the bathroom. "I'll be right back, Carter."

Carter did just as I thought he'd do... he didn't answer.

I opened the front door, knowing that it was Liam. "Hey Li, thank you so much," I said when my eyes landed on the plastic bag labeled 'Babies R Us'. "I'll have to pay you back next time I see you. How much did it cost?"

"Don't worry about the cost Har Bear," He said as he handed the bag to me. "By the way, I've been meaning to ask but how are you and Sophia's relationship holding up?"

"It's been... okay." I hesitated, not able to think of really anything positive to say about our relationship and I really didn't want to lie to Liam anymore than what I needed to.

"C'mon Haz, spill." Liam encouraged, leaning against the door frame.

"We keep fighting and it has only getting worse, Liam." I sighed in defeat. "Ever since she cheated things haven't really been the same between us."

"Well what has been the source of your recent argument?" he asked.

'A two year old homeless kid pissed on my thousand dollar rug', I mentally answered, however I quickly came up with something else. "I accidentally got a drop of juice on my thousand dollar carpet and she blew a bloody casket."

"Maybe you should try and-" I cut him off.

"Apologize? I've tried, but she just stomped up to her room like a freaking toddler." I answered, my own arms crossed against my chest.

"I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say that maybe you and Sophia should have a serious talk again. If she's going to blow up on you like that, then maybe she isn't the right one for you." Liam suggested. "She's acting so childish, especially when she's the one who's in the wrong." He was referring to the cheating, I could tell by how his tone changed.

"I'll consider it Li," I managed a half smile. "Thanks again for the clothes Liam."

"You're welcome Haz," he pulled me into a hug. "Just remember that you can always call me whenever you need to."

"Don't worry, I could never forget my best friend," I crack a smile, grateful to have a friend like Liam.

***

I easily dressed Carter in the clothes that were slightly baggy on his frame, then walked him downstairs to the kitchen so that I could make breakfast.

Taking out the necessary ingredients for pancakes, I began working my kitchen magic. "So how'd you sleep?" I asked him while looking a bit over my shoulder, all he did was shrug.

"No new bruises I see." I stated, not asking, because at this point I knew that he wasn't going to answer me anyways.

"How are you feeling today? I meant to ask earlier, but got wrapped up with Sophia... as you saw already."

He didn't even attempt to shrug, instead he sat there, staring at me as if he were silently assessing me.

After I finished making the pancakes, I stacked three pancakes onto his plate before placing it in front of him along with a bottle of syrup, a fork, and a knife. Ignoring the eating utensils, Carter went straight to the pancakes, nibbling around the dry edges of one.

"Do you want any syrup with that?" I asked while motioning to the sugary substance, he only shook his head.

Watching curiously as he took a few small bites, I sat in the chair opposite from him. After he took those few bites, he put down the pancake before getting up from the table, going upstairs. Carter had only eaten just barely a quarter of the one pancake.

With a shrug, I began to eat his other two pancakes, pouring a small amount of the dark syrup over the pancakes. However, once I got through one, there was a screech from upstairs that was very un-Sophia-like.

Assuming it was Carter, I hurried up the stairs, immediately bursting through the door of the guest room. I was instantly met with the sight of blood and a very scared Carter cupping his nose.

"What's wrong, what happened!?" I nearly shouted, but that only seemed to frighten him further more, so I lowered my volume and intensity, kneeling at his level. "What's wrong?"

He slowly removed his hand from his nose to reveal the source of the blood. Carter's nose was gushing blood, dripping all over the place.

"It's gonna be alright, just stay right here and I'll be right back."

Whimpering, he nodded as I walked out to the bathroom. I gathered a bunch of tissues before walking back to his room.

"Here, let me see," I said, kneeling down to his level and gently removed his hand from his nose. Placing five tissues into his hand, I instructed him to hold them up to his nose while holding his head back. Carter thankfully did as I told him to.

Through the bloodied tissues, I can still hear his sniffles and the small occasional whimpers that left his mouth. As I watched his green eyes, I noticed that there was a sort of emptiness in them that wasn't there before and that was when I knew exactly what I had to do.

***

Later that evening, I found myself sitting on a park bench waiting for a certain brunette haired man. I know that my decision probably isn't the best, but it's a very necessary decision that I need to make for Carter's emotional well-being.

Slowly shuffling feet brought me out of my thoughts and I already knew who it was.

The person stopped walking and when I stood up I came face to face with the blue-eyed man that was Carter's father.

"What do you want?" asked his gravely voice, it was rougher than the last time I saw him, so maybe he might be coming down with something.

"Actually, I have a proposal to make." I said and his blue eyes flicked up to mine. I noticed the forming dark rings underneath them.

"Get on with it then. You've already taken away my son, what else do you want from me?" behind his eyes there was both hurt and a dullness.

"Well I was wondering if you wanted to stay at my house with Carter until he gets better. The two of you can leave after that if you'd like," I answered.

His eyes narrowed as he stepped threateningly close to me. "Is this some kind of sick joke? I swear if it is I'll-"

"Would you shut up already." I sighed, "look, Carter hasn't spoken a word except for last night, and that one word was 'daddy'. He misses you and he's in a lot of pain because he's not with you. I really don't want to put him through anymore pain than necessary."

His small trembling hands lightly massaged his temple, as if silently going over the situation. "It's only until he gets better, right?" his rough voice now sounded tired.

"Yeah," I answered, even though Sophia probably wouldn't agree, but right now I don't care.

He looked at the ground before looking back at me. His eyes held the answer with a sense of finality

"Fine, but if I'm going to be... staying in you house for the time being, I might as well know your name," he said to me.

"Harry Styles, and you?" I asked while holding out my hand towards him to shake.

"Louis Tomlinson," he said, while cautiously placing his hand in mine then we shook hands.

The moments our palms touched, I had felt a warm calming spark go through me, despite his freezing hands. Once our hands pulled away, my hands were strangely even colder than before, and I felt confusion course through me.

Louis' hands went to his pockets, as he adjusted the guitar on his back. "Well let's go then," his eyes watched the ground.

"Okay," I agreed, putting my hands in my pockets as well.

***

Unlocking my flat's front door with the key, I held it open for Louis. After stepping inside, I locked the door behind me.

"You smoke." He said the moment he stepped in, taking a whiff of the air.

"Yeah, is that a problem?" I asked, spitting out the question.

"No. I drink," is all he said while observing my flat. The pee stain on the thousand dollar rug from Carter, one of my jumpers thrown haphazardly on the couch, my CD collection by the stereo. "Where's Carter?"

"He's upstairs, follow me," I walked upstairs, and held open the guest room door for Louis once again, it's only fair that Carter sees his dad walk in before me. The moment he walked in, Carter's eyes immediately shot open as if he could tell it was his father.

Then just like that, Carter ran to Louis, who bent down to open his arms, only to close his arms once more around the small two year old.

A stream of the word 'daddy' left Carter's mouth, as if he were a broken record, his tiny hands tightly clenched around fistfuls of Louis' shirt. Louis' face was buried in Carter's mess of curls.

As I watched the scene from the doorway, I almost smiled, because they were a family all on their own. Now that they're reunited, I actually felt guilty since I was the one who tore them apart in the first place.

(Third Person P.o.v.)

Little did Harry know that he had been the one to make the family of two possible in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: So did anyone cry?


	12. Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.
> 
> Warning: Could be slightly triggering for self-harm, but not too much.

(Louis' p.o.v.)

I had my guitar under the bed and I had my baby boy in my arms. 

I was able to sleep soundly that night behind the protection of a locked door.

Throughout the night I had held Carter tightly in my arms despite the fact that we had been warm enough beneath thick cotton blankets.

When I woke up, I realized that list night was not a cruel dream. I was in an actual bed, in an actual house (that seemed more like a mansion to me), with my very much real son.

It was all real.

Maybe this Styles guy isn't as bad of a guy as I thought.

The slight pain in my stomach is also very much real, but I ignore it.

Carter was still fast asleep by the time I was awake, so I quietly got out of the queen sized bed. Only then did I realize the time on the clock, a blaring 12:34 p.m. could be read as plain as day.

I knew that I needed to be quick otherwise Simon will fire me, especially since I don't have a good excuse other than the universal mundane excuse of 'I slept in'.

With an air of swiftness, I removed my T-shirt only to replace it with my work shirt, doing my best to ignore the scars there. Reaching beneath the bed on my hands and knees, I grabbed my guitar and positioned it on my back.

Trying to express my love to Carter, yet wanting him to continue sleeping, I pecked the undamaged skin of his pale forehead. To my dismay, the little brat still decided to open his eyes.

"Where Daddy goin'?" He panicked as he sat up.

"To work Little C, I need to get enough money so that Daddy can pay for our own home."

"Why can't we jus' stay here Daddy?" Carter looked at me with large pleading eyes.

I answered the question carefully as I placed a hand at my stomach that started to ache that much more, "because this is Mr. Styles' home and he's being nice to even let us stay here hon. We can't take advantage of him by staying here longer than agreed. He said that we con only stay until you get better and that's what's going to happen, okay Bear?"

"But Daddy, it no fair," Carter whined, close to tears.

"Baby bear, life isn't fair."

***

It was a quarter to one (yes I do know how to tell time) before I was able to get downstairs, only to accidentally bump into Harry when I was right about to walk out of the door. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, the impact had caused pain to shoot through my stomach.

"Where are you going?" He asked me.

Irritated, I stuffed my hands in my pockets, taking an offensive stance, "as if that's your business."

"Well it sort of is since you are sort of living under my roof, so I suggest you tell me or else I won't let you go," Harry crossed his arms, blocking my path of the front door that much more.

"Last time I checked I am over eighteen and I have somewhere to be. So could you quite bossing me around like I'm eight and move out the way?" I impatiently went to cross my own arms to mimic his stance. 

He remained silent, staring me down with a glare of indifference.

I rolled my eyes from the silent treatment, "work. I am going to work and I am already four freaking hours late, could you please move?"

"Have you eaten anything since you've been here?" he asked, a question that seemed to be something that had been lingering in his mind.

"No, I don't really eat much anymore," I shrugged nonchalantly, putting my hands back in my pocket.

He murmured something along the lines of 'That explains it' before pushing further more. "Why not?"

"It's painful, that's why," I snapped. "Now move out of my way."

He side stepped, "just so you know, I am working today and you may not want to leave Carter here alone with Sophia after what happened yesterday."

"What happened yesterday? And who's Sophia?"

"Well he sort of pissed his pants, some of it got on my rug, and Sophia was quite fond of that rug... And Sophia is my girlfriend."

I faintly remembered the pee stain on the rug from last night. I noticed how the rug wasn't there anymore, "I apologize, he's not really potty trained yet. I can help you pay for it to get replaced."

"It's fine, I didn't really care for it anyway. Sophia is just being a whiny bitch over it."

Wow. The strongly worded description shocked me, but from that I was able to tell what kind of a person she was.

I already didn't like her.

So, I worked out possible solutions in my mind, deciding that I really didn't want Carter to stay alone with this Sophia chick, "I guess that I can call out then come back to stay with Carter..."

"I don't care what you do about it, he's your son," Harry countered. " I need to leave for work at one forty, so I suggest you hurry and do whatever you plan on doing."

I had my mind made up as I situated my guitar strap higher up my shoulder and went to open the door.

***

Briskly, I walked into the Beat, immediately going to knock on Simon's office door and he answered.

"Come in," his strong yet tired voice answered. I opened the door and walked in, noticing how Simon was massaging his temples with his fingertips. "So you finally decided to show up," his sarcasm laced words threw me off guard, however I quickly came up with what I needed to say.

I did, after all, have the entire walk here to plan out what I needed to say.

"Sorry Simon, I overslept this morning because I'm sick with a stomach flu or something. The only reason why I'm here is to take a sick day. I really don't want anyone else to get sick from me especially since customers come here to drink."

Simon silently studied me, "I understand your mentality Louis, but you cannot just take a sick day on the fifth day of a brand new job especially when you said that you can be here everyday."

"I understand that, Sir, and I really am sorry but I literally can barely even stand here right now let alone play. I mean look at my hands they're shaking so badly from how sick I am," I extended my arms so he could see me hands that were indeed shaking. They did that anyway, so I used that to my advantage.

He sighed and put his head in his hands, "fine, go ahead, but this isn't going to count towards your pay check."

***

And so I was on my way back to Harry's flat.

When I actually got there, I realized the predicament that I was in since I didn't have a key, but I knocked on the door figuring that Harry would still be there. However when the door opened, I was met with a blond headed women instead of a certain dark haired man.

"Who the Hell are you?" Her snobby voice held disgust as she literally looked down on me.

I rolled my eyes and pushed past her, not even giving her the satisfaction of an answer as I entered the flat.

"Who do you think you are!?" She slammed the door and followed after me. "How dare you waltz in here like you own the damn place." She spit her words at me furiously.

Wow, does this bitch have a setting other than rude?

"I don't own it and neither do you, so here's a name for you. Harry. Styles. He's the one who owns the place and that's all that matters." I answered with a nonchalant shrug, heading in the direction of the stairs.

"Yeah, well I own this place more than you ever will. You're just a piece of shit that Harry collected off the street," she sneered. Though that had an effect on me I didn't let it show as I turned to face her.

"And you're just a piece of shit that Harry picked up at some stripper club. And let me tell you something honey, you weren't even one of the strippers, just to let you know." I easily fired back, connecting the dots and guessing that I was talking to Sophia. "You were one of those trash wannabes that didn't really fit in there."

"Well at least I'm not a piece of human shit." Sophia stupidly put her hands on her hips.

I mimicked her stance, "newsflash, you actually are a piece of human shit. Sorry about that."

"Oh really? Well you are a disgusting waste of space and a slob that smells even worse than how you look. I mean when was the last time you actually showered?" She inspected me closely, looking for something else to point out. Her eyes narrowed in on my scarred arms and I paled, suddenly feeling very vulnerable. "And you cut too? God you're so stupid and your scars make you even more uglier. What the Hell is wrong with you anyway, are you mental or something? Honestly, you should really cut a little deeper next time and do the world a favor." She smirked an ugly smirk.

I glared even though I knew that I was giving her exactly the response that she wanted. "My scars are there for a reason, I have nothing to prove to you, so fuck off, and how about you go kill yourself before you tell the wrong person to do so themselves. You are lucky that I wasn't that person." With that, I turned my back to her, walking up the stairs to Carter and I's shared room.

Once I got there I instantly locked the door, wishing that my troubles were on the outside, unable to touch me.

However I knew that wasn't the case because the worst of my troubles resided within my own self.

My scars are there to store important stories, memories, and memories. They remind me so that I don't forget where I have been.

Sometimes I don't want to remember.

I wonder why I even wanted to remember those painful memories.

I want them to go away.

I want them to go away.


	13. Identity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

(Louis' p.o.v.)

Carter and I have been living in Harry's flat for an entire month now.

It's been a pretty crappy month, though not the worst I've been through.

Carter and I are both alive and well.

In pain, though fine.

Carter's state seems to be improving bit by bit, which makes me grateful that Harry is allowing use to stay here in the first place.

He's not allowing us to stay here out of pity nor sympathy, but simply because he has a heart that doesn't want a little kid to die.

There's no simple way of saying this, so I'll just say it as is. Sophia is a bitch who is annoying as fuck.

Unlike Harry, she clearly does not have a heart, constantly reminding me of my scars and flaws. Her torture is almost as bad as what I endured while in school, though it would never compare to the physical abuse I faced there. To be fair, her being a bitch to me is understandable and bearable, but when she's being a bitch to my son, that is low, uncalled for, and outright heartless.

If it were up to me, Carter and I would have been out of here by now, but that's not up to me at all.

As far as money income goes, that's going quite well. Everyone loves my playing at the club, so I keep it up. My guitar case is starting to overflow with my steady income of money.

Right now I'm carrying 5000 pounds more or less, which I plan on putting towards treatment for Carter. Although it might be expensive, I may need to take Carter to get his first round of chemo soon. Another thing I need to think about purchasing is a flat for C and I to permanently live in, which of course will cost a lot more money as well.

Honestly, this is the most money I've managed to save up and I've only spent 70 pounds on alcohol throughout the entire month. Since Harry smokes, he doesn't really care. Sophia doesn't want me to drink around her, but I could honestly care less.

From time to time, I get these sharp stomach pains, but they eventually go away when I just ignore them.

Lately, Carter hasn't been sleeping a lot, so right now I am attempting to lull Carter to sleep by playing my guitar.

That is not really working out for me, he's staring at me with a look of defiance mixed with annoyance.

"Daddy, sing me to sleep," Carter whined, taking on a tone of frustration, a tone that I was so close to using myself.

"Carter," I sighed. "You know I don't song, hon."

He tried looking me in the eyes, but I didn't meet his stare, knowing the disappointment that'd be there. "But you used to when I couldn't sleep. Please sing to me, Daddy," Carter pouted and from the corner of my eye I was able to see that he widened his eyes as well.

That was when I looked him in the eyes, seeing how serious he was about his request. I slowly replied hesitant of my own words, "and you're sure that you will fall asleep afterwards?"

The dark curls on his head bounced as he nodded frantically, "absolu'ely."

And so with my guitar in my hand, I began strumming a few chords with shaky fingers in attempts of calming my own self as well. Carter closed his eyes, though he wasn't sleeping, his breathing gave it away. After mentally preparing myself, I began to sing slow and softly, smiling fondly at him while I sang.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy, when skies are gray.

You'll never know dear, how much I love you.

Please don't take, my sunshine away."

Just like that, Carter's chest steadily rose and fell to match with his soft breathing.

Tears pricked my eyes at the dark irony of the song. Carter is my sunshine and I don't want the cancer to steal him away from me. He's literally the only one who can make me smile. Sometimes he's the one who helps me forget the past even though he's a constant reminder of it.

I hope that I never need to sing the second part of that song.

There was a light knock at the door and I automatically knew that it was Harry because Sophia doesn't knock.

"Come in," I said quietly, not wanting to wake Carter. The door was immediately opened, revealing a certain curly haired man. "What do you want? Carter's sleeping."

"Sorry Louis, I just wanted to tell you that I was planning on going out with a few friends later this evening and I was wondering if you wanted to come with." Harry proposed from where he leaned against the door frame. I knew he was just answering to be nice, in fact I bet that he didn't even ask Sophia.

I know that he hates her... but he loves her even still.

So I declined as politely as I could.

"I would, but I need to watch Carter, sorry." I answered, staring at Carter's sleeping form.

"I could get Sophia to watch him if you'd like. I've noticed she's been warming up to Carter some so I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem with it," Harry suggested, walking to stand near the foot of the bed.

I snorted and rolled my eyes as I put my guitar away in its case, "please tell me that's your idea of a joke."

Harry laughed, "you've caught me. But actually, I do have a friend's girlfriend who's willing to babysit if need be."

I forced a smile, finding it difficult to joke about Harry's demon for a girlfriend, "it's fine Harry. Just go and leave me alone."

"Are you okay?" Harry asked me, his green eyes closely studying me, causing for me to become uncomfortable.

"Of course I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" I snapped involuntarily.

"Fine then, he nearly growled, narrowing his eyes at me before walking out of the room.

I was left alone with Carter yet again, just as I wanted to be. However, I small voice in the back of my head told me that I didn't want to be alone.

I knew that it was lying.

Even though I had already put my guitar away, I took it back out to strum a few random chords while humming a simple tune under my breath so that no one but Carter would be able to hear me.

That's exactly how it should be.

***

My light dreamless state of sleep was broken as I was lightly shaken. A soft tentative voice called me and I could tell that it was none other than Carter.

"Daddy, please wake up."

"What's it Baby Bear?" I slurred slightly due to the sleepy haze that still hasn't left me.

"Hungry," was all that he said, which caused me to immediately sit up. Carter hasn't been eating all too much lately, so the fact that he wanted to eat caused elation to grow within me.

"Okay Hon, what would you like to eat?" I asked, without realizing how waiter-ish that sounded of me. I got out of bed while placing my guitar onto my back. Even though there's a house to protect it, I still choose to carry it with me.

"Wan' bread," Carter answered as I picked him up into my arms.

"Just bread, no butter or anything like that, just plain bread?" I asked slowly, focusing more so on walking down the stairs with care.

Burrowing his head into the crook of my neck, he nodded as we entered the kitchen, "jus' plain bread please."

"Okay Hon, that's fine. Let's go get you some bread." Shifting Carter to my left arm, I began to search for the bread in the fridge. "How much do you want?"

"Jus' a small piece," he answered, resting his curl filled head on my shoulder now.

Finding the smallest piece I could, I set Carter down in a chair, holding out the bread slice to him, which he gratefully took. "Tank you."

I watched as he daintily nibbled at the corner of the fluffy bread. All was quiet except for the slight ticking from the clock hanging above the counter. It read 3:29 A.M.

Just as the long hand crept upon the six, there was a loud bang that reverberated through out the once silent house. Cautiously, I picked Carter up, holding him close to me, "w-what was th-that Daddy?" He was stutter gave away his fear and he abandoned all efforts of eating the bread, holding it tightly in chubby hands.

"Sh Baby Bear, I'm not sure, but I'll keep you safe okay baby?" I said, voice quiet and calm, but thoughts loud and uneasy. Maybe someone broke into the house. Maybe it was a pissed off Harry. All the endless possibilities ran through my head.

Maybe it was Sophia. She had snuck out some time in the night.

As I slowly walked down the hallway, I neared the sound of slurred voices. I knew that one belonged to Harry, but the other people's voices were foreign to me.

I don't need to deal with an angry Harry, but a drunk one.

"Where's that fucking whore!?" Harry yelled and something loudly crashed as it shattered against the floor.

Out of fear, Carter began to cry and shake. I shushed him, holding his head against my chest in attempts to muffle his sobs. That didn't really help and he started hiccuping.

I knew that Carter had been heard and my heart beat sped up as footsteps neared Carter and I.

The smell of alcohol was strong in the air as the person approached.

I was suddenly aware of the soggy bread crumbs that were sticking to my shirt and my neck in some places.

It was uncomfortable, but I didn't pay attention to that right now.

I held Carter closer to me as I began to back away to the kitchen as quietly as I could.

In the dim light, I could make out the faint outline of a bleach blond-haired man and I quietly hoped that he couldn't see me."

"Hey, I think I found one!" The bloke in front of me called out a response to Harry's words, taking a firm hold onto my arm he tugged me along with him. I had no choice but to follow him, not knowing how he'd react if I didn't listen.

I then concluded that luck was not on my side.

Harry snorted the moment he laid his eyes on me, "I wanted the bitch, not the fag."

"Excuse me, I-" I only got cut off by Harry.

"There isn't much of a difference between the two, they're both practically gaggin' for it," he smirked, stepping closer to me, but I stepped backwards only to press my guitar clad back against the man who was still holding onto me.

"Bet he likes to take it up the ass," a third man with brown hair said.

"With an ass like this, I know that he loves bottoming like a bitch," the man behind me chuckled, grabbing onto my bum, but I quickly broke out of his hold.

"Leave me alone," I said firmly and gave some distance between the three men and I. Carter sniffled and whimpered softly. "It's okay, hon. You're okay," I whispered into his dark hair.

Harry seethed, advancing towards me and I felt the pain from his fist before I saw it. The sound echoed off the walls and I even stumbled backwards from the force behind the punch. However, I was sure to keep my grip on Carter. "Don't fucking tell me what to do, I don't take orders from faggots."

When I got beat up in high school, I was able to mask the pain I was in, but Harry is a grown ass man with muscles, there is a difference. I couldn't keep my face from screwing up in pain as tears pricked my eyes.

"Aw is the little queer gonna cry?" The brown haired man mocked, pushing me against the wall roughly, my guitar clunked against the surface. I felt just as defenseless as I had been in high school.

"N-no," My voice broke.

The blond haired man chuckled, "you know what I think Liam? I think that the fag's lying to us." Carter hiccuped loudly, which made everyone focus their attention on him. "Oh look he's got a kid too. You know wha' I think? Maybe we should rough 'em both up a bit to teach the fag a lesson, right Harry?"

My heart skipped a beat as Carter whimpered and clung to the front of my shirt. The bread was long gone now.

I wasn't going to let them lay a finger on my son anytime soon.

My gaze shifted to Harry whose eyes were flickering with many emotions, but I didn't give him the chance to answer. I took advantage of that moment of vulnerability and ran up the stairs as quickly as I could.

I heard slurred drunken words being yelled, but they all jumbled together, so I couldn't make out any of it.

Running into the guest room, I immediately shut and locked the door. Adrenaline left my system as small pants left my mouth.

The sharp pain in my stomach returned.

The pulsating pain in my eye was more prominent from where Harry had punched me.

"D-Daddy?" Carter said hesitantly, looking up at me.

"Y-Yes L-Little C?" I asked, my voice shook a bit as I looked into his eyes.

"Can we go home to the park again?" He asked sadly.

"We-we might have to," I answered shakily with a sigh, laying him in bed, tucking him in.

"And Daddy?" he asked while lightly poking at my wounded eye, but I hissed and held his hand away from the wound, holding his small hand instead.

"Yes Baby Bear?" I answered while wiping away some crumbs from his face.

That was when I was aware of how grainy and sticky the inside of my shirt felt from the bread crumbs.

"Will you sing me to sleep again?" his sleepy voice asked me.

"Of course," I whispered before singing 'You Are My Sunshine' once again, my voice breaking in some places, but in the end Carter fell back asleep.

That night as I laid in bed, I never felt more ashamed of myself than in that moment.


	14. Life Happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

The sun rose, seeping into the otherwise dark room, signaling to me that it was morning. I was still awake.

Carter barely slept through the night, laying awake in my hold.

He had nightmares all through the night, I could tell from his constant thrashing around, even hitting me a couple of times.

All I could do was hold him close to me in attempts of calming him down. I knew that he needed to sleep.

My mind flashed to last night.

Last night there was stomping up the stairs, violent banging on the door, Carter's terrified whimpers. I rocked both of us back and forth.

I knew that it had been Harry from his yells of 'open the damn door Louis!' which I obviously didn't listen to.

Turning onto my side, I stared at the body mirror that faced my side of the bed. Nausea hit me strong when I saw my how swollen my right eyelids were. They were black and swollen comletely shut, crust stuck from where my eye had watered through the night.

I knew that even if I owned concealer, no amount of it would have been able to cover the damage.

"Daddy, is eye okay?" Carter asked me quietly, breaking the unrelenting silence with no more than a whisper.

"Yeah Hon, it doesn't hurt a bit." I answered, my voice was rough from the lack of sleep. I'm glad that he couldn't tell that I was lying. "Are you okay?"

He nodded, "jus' had bad dreams, very very bad dreams."

I pulled his small form closer to me, "don't worry Little C, everything's gonna be just fine, we're going back to the park today, okay?"

"Okay." Carter answered, his tone much lighter than before, I was able to hear traces of happiness.

There was a light knock at the door, which confused me, because if it was still Harry, then he would be in the process of going through a hangover.

As I said before, Sophia doesn't knock. At. All.

"Who is it?" I asked even though I knew who it was, I winced a bit at how scared I unintentionally sounded.

"It's Harry," he answered through the door slowly, as if he himself was hesitating on his words.

I've never hear him sound so unsure and guilty.

Carter clung to my shirt burrowing his face into the fabric, also scared, so I didn't hesitate to hold him closer to me.

"Oh," my throat closed up, but I quickly cleared it. "Don't worry, Carter and I will be leaving soon, so you don't need to worry about kicking us out yourself."

"Louis, can you please open the door? I'd much rather talk to you, not the door." Harry asked, slightly joking, though there was a tone of seriousness behind his words.

"I'm not opening the door, Harry." I answered firmly, my thoughts immediately going to my swollen black eye.

One part of me didn't want Harry to see my eye, knowing how it made my face look even uglier and undesirable. However, another part of me reminded me that I have absolutely nothing to prove to Harry, so I really should open the door and let him feel guilty about the disgusting bruise; to let him see the damage he has done.

"You've already done enough damage, now go away."

"Louis, I'm not leaving until you open the door," Harry answered impatiently.

I snorted, "your loss, not mine."

From the other side of the door there was silence until Harry let out a sigh, a light bang could be heard through the wall as if Harry had hit his head against it. "Look, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry about what happened last night."

Tempted to open the door, I got up, walking towards the door with me guitar situated on my back. Carefully, I rested my forehead against the wood while Carter stood behind my leg watching curiously from his position. "Well go on," I mumbled through the door.

"It wasn't right of me to call you those horrible names to degrade you like that, it was wrong of me to do so, especially in front of Carter. I was drunk and didn't mean a single word of what I said, I swear I didn't mean it. I took my anger out on you and that was not right. M'just going through some major shit right now so I'm really not handling things properly right now. I wanted to at least take the time to apologize and do that right."

Although his apology sounded too proper to be sincere, but it didn't matter to me, because at least he took the initiative to try and sincerely apologize.

To him it was sincere and that's what matters to me.

"I'm not going to say it's okay, because what you did was not okay." I said, opening the door some, going against everything that my head was telling me. When I opened the door, I heard Harry gasp as he caught sight of me, looking at me in the eyes, well eye. "However, I will forgive you, because everyone deserves a second chance. You gave my son a second chance to live, so I'll give you a second chance to redeem yourself. Keep in mind that I am a strong believer in second chances, but never a third." I crossed my arms.

"I really am sorry that I hit you, I didn't mean to do it." Harry said, almost frantically as he stared at my bruise.

"No, you meant to hit me, otherwise you wouldn't have done it. You just didn't mean to lose control," I answered.

"Is Carter okay?" Harry asked me, changing the subject.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" I asked while ruffling Carter's curly hair from where he was peeking out from behind my leg.

Harry's toned grew lighter as he addressed Carter, crouching down to his level, "hey there kiddo how are you feeling? Are you okay after what happened last night?"

Carter shrugged, while further hiding behind my leg now that the attention was on him.

"Come on, Carter I thought we were passed giving each other the silent treatment." Harry lightly chuckled, "I would never hurt you, okay?"

"B-but you hurt my Daddy," Carter mumbled slightly, while peeking at Harry from between my legs.

"I know, but I said sorry. Are you okay?" Harry repeated his original question.

"I'm just a bit scared s'all. Had bad dreams because of you." It sounded as though Carter was scolding Harry, despite the age and height difference.

"I'm sorry that I caused your nightmares. Will you please stay though?" Harry said with guilt-laced words.

"We'll stay... but you have to pinkie pwomise (promise) that you will never hurt my Daddy ever again, got it?" Carter held out his pinkie for Harry to link with. "And you can never ever break a pinkie pwomise." The intensity of his small voice that was usually so shy showed just how serious he was about this promise.

"I would never break a promise, especially a pinkie promise," Harry promised, while linking pinkies with Carter. As childish as the gesture was, Harry did it whole-heatedly, just as serious about the promise as Carter was.

Harry stood back to his normal height once again, Carter returned to his usual position beside me, instead of trying to hide behind me.

Clearing his throat Harry spoke again. "Niall and Liam would also like to apologize as well, if you don't mind."

I was about to ask who Niall and Liam were, but then I remembered the name Liam from last night, which answered my own unanswered question. My answer was easy. I shrugged, "everyone deserves a second chance."

"Okay, I'll call them over." Harry said, taking out his mobile.

"Wait... uhm I have to go out to get something suitable to wear," I mumbled, while properly hoisting my instrument higher onto my back, taking hold of Carter's tiny hand as I did so.

"You don't have to change at all, you look fine," Harry said, though I could tell that it was a lie.

"You don't need to lie for my benefit. I'm wearing the same clothes that I've worn for nearly three years, Harry, so yeah I need to change," I answered.

"If it bothers you that much, I can give you some of my clothes to borrow." Harry said, "you and Carter can even shower if you'd like to."

"Thanks Harry, that would be much appreciated." I said, really meaning it, because the entire time I've been here, never once has he offered me anything except for food, which I had declined.

***

Carter and I stood under the warm nozzle of the shower spray. I remember how I would take scorching hot showers, the water would be so hot that it would burn my skin. If it weren't for Carter beside me, I would have made the water all the way hot, loving the stinging burn it brought me.

The amount of dirt that went down the drain was disgusting, the water was nearly black with grime.

The silent shower went on until the water went cold which forced us out. There was a comfortable silence between us as I wrapped a towel around my waist and helped Carter dry himself off with a fluffy towel.

"You ready to face them?" I asked Carter, much to my surprise he shook his head no.

"M'not, but as long as I'm wif you Daddy, I'll be okay." Carter answered.

"That's right and I'll protect you no matter what, Little C." I said, kissing the top of his head while helping him put on his pants. When I went to put on his shirt was when I noticed the new purple bruises on his arms, that were probably from last night when I held him too tightly. However, I choose not to comment on them, pulling his shirt over top his head.

I pulled one of Harry's black long sleeved jumpers over my head, covering the scars that marked up my arms. It was big on me, as the sleeves reached a couple inches or so passed the tips of my fingers. The dark jeans he gave me were slightly baggy, though they still snugly hugged my bum.

"Okay Hon, let's go," I sighed before opening the bathroom door for us to walk out.

Once Carter and I walked downstairs, I noticed that I didn't feel the usual light weight on my shoulders from my guitar. I had forgotten my instrument on the bed while getting too caught up with the simple comfort of showering.

The doorbell rang and Harry immediately came down to answer it, I knew that I had no time to go back upstairs to get my instrument. I suppose it'll be somewhat safe on the bed for now, although I'd much rather have it on my back.

When Harry's eyes saw me, his green eyes widened slightly. It would have been comical if I hadn't been so confused. "What is it my eye or something? Do I have a pimple?"

"No no, you just look really good in my clothes." His tone darkened a bit as he added, "really really good."

I swallowed as I felt my heart falter for a moment.

Once again the doorbell was rang, this time there was a knock as well, "Harry open up! We know you're in there!" Called a voice that I could recognize from last night.

"I'm coming, just be patient," Harry mumbled more to himself than them, even though I heard him. As Harry opened the door and greeted the two men, I was aware that Carter had hid behind my leg again. I held out my hand next to me for Carter to take. Summoning his courage, he stood beside me, holding tightly on to my hand

"Yeah, come on in, they're right over there," Harry said, just as the door was closed.

I came face to face with the blond and brown haired men from last night.

The blond haired man apologized right off the bat, tearing up when he saw me, "oh my God your eye. I am so sorry for the things that I said last night, and for yanking on your arm, and scaring you, and probably scaring your child, and for grabbing your... bum, and for being very inappropriate, and for calling you things that I really shouldn't have. I was definitely in the wrong last night and nothing can change that, but I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

The brown haired man nodded, "yeah I'm sorry too. I thought I was backing up my best mate," he gestured to Harry, "but in doing so, I ended up hurting someone who was entirely innocent and that isn't something that I wanted. I do hope that he's already apologized to you." He warningly glanced at Harry. "Everything that happened last night should not have happened, but it did, so I apologize and I hope that won't affect any future relationship between any of us."

"I forgive both of you just as I have forgiven Harry. Everyone deserves a second chance," I answered, a look of surprise crossed both of their features.

"Seriously? You're not gonna like yell at us or anything?" The blond haired man said completely dumbstruck, his Irish accent was quite apparent.

"No..." I answered.

Almost immediately, the Irish lad attacked me in a hug. "Thank you thank you thank you!" He chanted over and over again, startling both me and Carter.

"Your welcome I guess," I mumbled.

Carter lightly tugged on the pant leg of the blond man, "what's your name mistah? (mister)"

Almost immediately, he let go of me, apologizing once again, "you must be totally freaked out since I'm hugging you and you don't even know my name. My name's Niall."

"And I'm Liam," said the brown haired man, assessing Carter and I carefully, with a light hand on Niall's waist. "I'm guessing that this is your son, Harry? He's practically a mini clone of you," Liam asked, looking over at Harry. "I'm guessing he's the one who needed the children's clothes."

The atmosphere grew awkward, I was the one to cleared my throat and clear the atmosphere, "actually he's mine." I brought Carter to my side with my arm.

"Oh, cool. What's his name?" Liam asked apologetically, pushing aside the misunderstanding.

"M'name's Carter," Carter answered confidently before popping his thumb into his mouth, eliciting coos from both Niall and Liam.

"Naw! He's so adorable Li, we need to have a baby just like him one day!" Niall said excitedly.

"You two are together," I stated, not asked, because it was so obvious.

"They have been together for three years now," Harry answered, instead of Liam, or Niall.

"I hope that you don't mind us together," Liam said calmly.

"'Course not," I answered quickly, after all it would be hypocritical of me if I wasn't accepting of them, since I am gay as well. "And I'm Louis, thanks for asking."

"But I didn't ask..." Niall trailed off in confusion.

"I know that you didn't, that's the point." I smiled.

"Ooo sassy, I like you already. Nice to meet you Louis. Now we must commence the ancient meeting ceremoy... GROUP HUG! CARTER AND LOUIS IN THE MIDDLE!" Niall yelled out, immediately Carter and I were sandwiched between Liam, Niall, and surprisingly Harry at the blond's command.

As Carter and I were in the middle of the three lads, I felt that I actually had friends other than Zayn for once.

I felt that I wasn't going to be alone, which was a feeling that I would love to hold on to for all eternity.

However, life happens.

I knew better than anyone that promises can be broken as easily as forgiveness is given.


	15. The End Is Just A New Beginning pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

Our group hug was rudely interrupted by a loud banging sound. When I turned to the noise, I saw Sophia dramatically making her entrance. I wanted to make my exit as quickly as possible, especially when she threw a disgusted judgmental glance in my direction.

When she bounded her way upstairs, I looked at the rest of the men surrounding Carter and I. Harry held a blank look and Liam looked over at him in concern. Niall sadly looked at the pair of them.

I caught sight of the clock which read 7:50 a.m. If I were to leave right now, I would be right on time for work.

"Do you work today Harry?" I asked. "I need to get to work soon."

"Technically yes, but I'm working from home today."

Niall cut in, "Liam and I can stay and help with watching Carter. Neither of us are working today."

"How much do you two want?" I gave an apprehensive look

"Nothing at all. We're the one's repaying you for forgiving us." Niall smiled and I decided that he had a very genuine smile. It was nice to see.

"Thank you do much you guys," I flashed a small smile and Niall didn't hesitate to give me another tighg yet brief hug.

"Don't mention it. We're going to have lots of fun Carter," Niall looked to the small boy.

I smiled when I saw his face full of excitement.

"Bye bye Daddy love you!" Carter exclaimed as he tightly hugged me around my waist.

"Love you too Hon, I'll see you later this evening. Have fun with Liam and Niall Little C," I murmered, putting my full trust in these two people whom I just met.

I knew that Carter had three people to protect him against Sophia if need be, which was something that I didn't have.

But strangely I'm okay with that.

I went upstairs to change out of Harry's shirt and into my work shirt. When I went to grb my instrument, I froze out of pure shock and fear when I saw that it was no longer on top of the bed.

"No, no, no it had to be here," I mumbled to myself as I checked under the bed where I should have put it. It wasnt there. I checked the closet, behind the door, in the closet again, under the many layers of blankets, but to no avail.

There were only so many places to look.

It simply was not there.

Worry over took me and I ran down the stairs, taking two at a time, nearly slipping more than twice.

I confronted Harry so that we were face to face despite the height difference. "Where's my guitar? Did you move it because I swear that if you even touched it I'll-"

Harry cut me off before I could threaten him, "Louis calm down I haven't seen it, why would I want to move it anyway?"

"I dunno, maybe you want to ruin my life that much more and you knew it was my only source of income. Did you know all my freaking money was in there!?" Tears of panic started filling my eyes.

"Louis you neec to calm down and think for a minute. Think rationally here, I have no reason to take your guitar. I could literally throw away a millionpounds and it wouldn't even put a dent in how much money I have. I'd literally have no motive for taking your guitar."

Harry had a point and I was nowhere close to figuring out where my instrument had gone. Sighing shakily, I carded nmh fingers through my hair and closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down especially since Carter was there.

I felt a familiar hand at my shoulder and I instantly flinched away from it, memories of last night flashing into my mind.

Instead he chose to speak calmly, "Louis, we can help you find your guitar. Where was it last?" Liam asked.

"Just don't touch me." I made it clear. "It was supposed to be on the guest room bed where Carter and I are staying. That was where I left it, but it isn't even in the room anymore."

"Did you check the closet or even under-" Harry started, but I cut him off through gritted teeth.

"I checked the whole damn room, I assure you that it's not in there." I knew they were just trying to help, but I couldn't help the anger that was still there beneathe my skin, coarsing through my veins.

That was when Niall decided to speak, "here Louis, I'll tell you what. How about we check the room again and this time we will help you."

I opened my eyes and looked down at Carter who was looking up at me. The moment our eyes met, I was calm. "Okay fine, let's hurry then. Every minute I'm late money is taken off my paycheck."

With that, we all hurried upstairs and I was sure to hold Carter in my arms.

Fifteen minutes was all it took for the three men to conduct a thorough sesrch on the room. In the end, my guitar was still m.i.a. and soon my paycheck will be too.

I'm at least ten minutes late.

If I'm fired and my guitar isn't foumd, at this point prostitution would be the only option.

Carter whimpered quietly, realizing the severity of the situation, "does that mean that we can't get a home? Does that mean I'm gonna die?" He looked about ready to cry.

My heart swelled when he mentioned the possibility. "Sh C, don't talk like that. You're not going to die, I won't let you." As I mumbled my assurance into his hair, I felt everyone's eyes on us.

Niall decided to speak first, quiet and hesitantly, "why would Carter die? He doesn't seem to be sick or anything like that."

"He has leukemia," I answered. "The doctor said he could die if he stays on the streets without treatment. So, I'm working on earning enough money to pay for a flat and Carter's chemo."

"Oh, so that's why Harry's letting you stay here," Niall connected the dots.

"No, that's only why they are here, not why I allowed them to stay," Harry said coldly before changing the subject. "Come on, let's go look for your guitar."

***  
I am now two hours late for work.

That's how long it took for us to search the entire house.

I began to intetnally panic and was close to tears, but I held them in since Carter was crying and I'm doing my best to comfort him.

The four of us were sitting on the couch while I held Carter.

"Do you wanna eat something, Little C?" I asked when his sobbing gradually reduced to small whimpers, sniffles, and hiccups.

"N-no. I'm not hungry, th-the bread from last n-night was enough." Carter said.

"It was technically this morning, not that it really matters," I murmured, lightly pecking the top of his head.

He lightly giggled before sniffling, "no, it doesn't really matter, I g-guess."

That was when Sophia decided to come downstairs and show her ugly face. Her hair was a mess, her makeup from last night was smeared, and she just overall looked quite miserable.

She was so miserable, in fact, that she felt the need to make everyone else around her feel just as terrible.

"What happened to your face?" She glared at me.

"What happened to yours?" I countered, but annoyance filled me when Harry sent me a warning glance.

"Babe, have you seen Louis' guitar?" Harry asked, voice calm, yet his eyes told a different story.

"And who's Louis exactly?" Sophia asked, feigning innocence.

Harry threw her a warning look, as did his tone, "Sophia..."

"Oh, you're talking about the bum. My apologies, I only associate with actual people who shower, unlike it, so no I haven't seen its' guitar." Her words were like poison, each one killed me further, especially when she referred to me as an it, spitting the word out as if it were dirt.

I looked down at Carter, who was hiding in the hollow of my neck.

"Sophia, you do NOT talk to, or about Louis in that way, is that understood?"

She snorted, "you're not my parent, Harry. You can't control me, so quit acting like you can."

"If you don't want me to talk to you like a parent, then quit acting like a child. You are out of control and if you keep this up, I will not hesitate to kick you out."

"The cutter's guitar is in the studio," Sophia rolled her eyes while stomping up the stairs.

My blood ran cold at the name, but no one seemed to notice the blood leave my face, or the name. Either that or they just chose not to comment.

Sighing, Harry got up, "come on, let's go get your guitar."

***

"You're fired."

Simon's words ran through my head when I finally managed to show up at 'The Beat'.

"Why?" I simply asked.

"Because, you are late by five hours, Tomlinson. I warned you on the first day that if you are late too many times, then you will get fired. You were late too many times and now you're fired."

With a sigh I hoisted my guitar further on to my back. I guess that was that. "Fine, see if I care, I'm not begging to keep my job."

"Your choice," Simon shrugged. "I wouldn't have cared anyway."

"Okay fine."

With those two words, I walked out of the club, clearing my head as I walked with no particular destination in mind.

When I found that I ended up at the park, I wasn't surprised. Sitting on a children's swing, I started thinking about what to do.

The only thing that I could try to do was get another job.

It is a clear progression of what I should do, but knew I wouldn't be able to.

It's difficult to find a job around this time of the year.

Carter and I may be staying at Harry's longer than I originally intended.

***

"Well aren't you home early," Harry said, although he didn't ask a question, it was implied.

"Got fired," I mumbled. "Where's Carter?"

"Don't worry, he's already sleeping. He's fine, it's just that Niall tired him out, he trends to have that effect on people." There was a hint of humour in his words, but it didn't make me laugh at all. "Uhm, sorry about your job, by the way."

All I did was nod, replying with three words, "yeah me too."

"Hey listen, I own a music company and you can work there for a bit to get enough money..." Harry said, as if he were uncertain.

"You've done so much for Carter and I already, you don't need to do anything else for us." I said, while staring at the carpeted floor.

"Let me do this for you, I want to, especially if you were late over my own lack of judgment with your guitar." Harry said. I went over a few things in my head, some pros as well as cons. "You don't have to say yes right away I mean-"

I cut Harry off with a small and simple word.

"Okay."


	16. Unwanted Signs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

The next morning when I woke up, I felt an actual sense of peace in me for once in my life. Carter was already awake and next to me as the clock on the wall read 9:30 on the dot.

Harry said last night that he'd bring me to the studio today to see 'just how well I can play'. Those were his exact words. The rest of last night, I practiced until it was three in the morning with Carter awake beside me the entire time. I'm surprised that he is still wide awake next to me, dark rings lying under his eyes that were red from lack of sleep.

"Good morning Hon," I mumbled while lazily pecking him on the forehead.

"G'mornin' Daddy," Carter managed to say through a yawn.

Sitting up I asked him if he had slept at all that night. Even though I had six and a half hours of sleep, it sure didn't feel like it and I faintly wondered if Carter and I were connected as far as feelings and such.

"No," Carter answered. "Couldn't sleep at all."

Pulling him into my arms, I sighed, "Baby bear, you have to sleep in order to fight this sickness." He rested his ear against my chest, right over top my heart. It seems that he has always done this to feel safe.

"I know Daddy, but it's really hard to sleep when you've got lots of stuff on your mind."

"I know Little C, I've been there and done that plenty of times. Do you want to know what I did to fall asleep?" I asked him.

Curious green eyes looked into mine asking me the unanswered question.

"Either I clear my head, or if I can't do that then I think of something that makes me feel happy, safe, or calm, like music." I gave him the first example from off the top of my head.

Carter closed his eyes as sleep threatened to take over. "I know what to think of now."

"What's that Hon?" I asked while continually running my hand through his hair as a relaxing gesture.

"You," was his one worded response, as he fell asleep.

"I always think of you first Carter."

***

"Do you want Carter to come along as well?" Harry asked me gently to not wake the sleeping Carter who was in my arms. "I mean, he doesn't have to if you don't want him to, I was just asking."

"I want him to come," I quickly answered while looking at the two year old's sleeping face. "Don't wanna leave him alone." Lightly, I laid a peck on top of Carter's head. I said that I didn't want him to be alone, but really, I was the one who didn't want to be without Carter.

I could feel Harry's green eyes studying our every move intensely. A frail hand that belonged to Carter clutched the front of my shirt in his sleep, causing my shirt to slightly tug down. For a moment, I could've sworn that I heard Harry growl, but I must've been mistaken.

"Okay then, let's go," Harry said while clearing his throat.

Without answering, I followed him out the front door. Harry was about to unlock his car doors, but I stopped him. "It's a nice day, how about we walk instead," I suggested.

All he did was shrug, "fine."

There were two other reasons as to why I wanted to walk. The first reason is that Carter needs some sunlight, because he is becoming more pale from constantly staying inside. Secondly, if Harry tried to hit me, or anything like that, I would be able to run away from him if need be.

It was silent and I could seriously care less as to whether or not someone broke it. However, Harry was the one to break the silence with a question "Why do you call him our son?"

His question threw me off guard. "What?"

"Why. Do. You. Call. Him. Our. Son?" Harry asked slower this time, clearly pronouncing each word so that there was no way that I could misunderstand.

I answered steadily while staring at the sidewalk ahead of me instead of Harry.

"Were you seriously so drunk that you really don't remember what happened three years ago?" I asked. Even though it was meant to be harsh, I'm pretty sure that anyone would be able to hear the hurt in my voice, since he seriously didn't remember me after all.

"Well three years is a long time and I've had too many drunken hook-ups before Sophia to remember each and every one of them, Louis." He stated as if it was obvious. I couldn't help but feel a bit betrayed at Harry's words, but what else did I expect; a saint?

"Yeah? Well you were my first and only drunken hook-up, and you know what else? In that moment, you took away any hopes that I had for the future, and my virginity, neither of which can I ever get back again." I'm not sure if I was actually letting down my guard, or if I was telling Harry this to make him feel guilty. Personally, I hope that it's the latter of the two.

"Louis," Harry's tone softened, and I think he was going to reach out to touch me, but stopped himself. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I shrugged, "to be honest, I don't remember much of anything that happened that night. You're not the only one who was drunk, you know. Besides, it's not like you'd believe me anyway."

"Oh," was all that Harry said. "How are you able to have babies and how can you be so sure that Carter is mine?" Harry carefully asked.

"I'm not sure if this answers your second question," I mumbled, "but basically my body is... different than the average male, so I'm able to have babies. I know Carter is yours, because you're the only person that I've fucked with."

Harry didn't say anything at all, so I did.

"You don't believe me don't you?

All he did to confirm my assumption was shake his head.

A humourless chuckle left my lips, "yeah, I didn't think so."

***

"Okay, so you have to play a total of two songs for me. One is of your choice, the other is of mine, understood?" Harry asked from the couch he was sitting on, while holding Carter who was now wide awake and watching me.

Currently, we're in an auditioning room in 'the one of many company buildings' that Harry apparently owns.

"Yep," I answered, perched from a wooden stool, guitar in a playing position.

"What song are you playing first?" Harry asked me.

"Better Than I Know Myself by Adam Lambert," I mumbled out, but I knew that he could hear me from his answer.

"Ready when you are," Harry said while staring intently staring at me.

Immediately, I began playing the notes. Instead of closing my eyes or looking at Harry, I watched Carter the entire time I strummed the chords. The only time I closed my eyes was to blink. For this song, both the notes and rhythms were relatively easy. When I played, I poured out the years of pain, hurt, and love into it.

Little did I realize that I was letting down my guard by just playing a simple song.

Once I finished, I let my eyes flicker to Harry's for just a moment before looking back at Carter.

"Wow, uhm the next song I want you to play is Lego House by Ed Sheeran." Harry instructed while clearing his throat.

Instantly I began playing the song, knowing the notes already, but I quietly hummed along to make sure I was getting the notes right. There was an overwhelming urge to sing, but I kept my mouth clamped tightly shut to keep the lyrics from escaping.

"Louis, you've got talent, so you've got the job. You play well, because I can tell that you put your heart into it," Harry said when I finished the song, a half grin was plastered on his face.

"You really mean it?" I asked out of disbelief of shock.

"Well duh, otherwise I wouldn't have said it," Harry said jokingly.

I put away my guitar, to not look at his face directly so that he wasn't able to see the warmth in my eyes, "thanks Harry."

"No problem, it's the least that I can do."

After zipping up my guitar case, I placed the straps over my shoulders. Once I was up, Carter immediately reached for me and Harry carefully handed him over to me.

"G'job, Daddy." Carter mumbled into my ear, as if it was a secret.

"Thanks, Hon," I murmured back.

It was in that moment that Carter's stomach chose to growl impressively loud, "um Daddy? I'm hungry."

"I could take you both out to lunch, my treat," Harry suggested. "I know this place that Carter might like."

However, I answered by shaking my head. "No that's fine, I don't want to receive anything that I can't pay back."

"It's my treat, meaning you don't have to pay me back at all, it's all on me. You've earned it," Harry answered, while looking into my eyes.

Carter looked up at me with pleading hopeful eyes. "Pretty please, Daddy? It'll be fun, plus I've never been out to an actual restaurant."

Knowing that I'd regret it later, I sighed defeatedly and gave in, finding no use in arguing, "okay fine whatever."

I just wanted Carter to be happy.

***

Harry, Carter, and I were all walking to this restaurant that is 'absolutely perfect' according to Harry. Carter was between us, and I was holding his small hand in mine.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah Hon?" I answered.

"Where are all duh (the) dinosaurs at?" Carter asked.

I pondered the question, not wanting to come out and say 'they all died'. So instead, I created a more... creative response. "They went to a better place, so that they could all peacefully live with each other."

"I wanna go to see the dinosaurs one day Daddy, because I want peace too." Carter genuinely meant every word that he said.

"You don't want to go to where the dinosaurs went, Little C."

"But why Daddy?"

I couldn't come up with a response that wouldn't scare him, so Harry answered for me instead. "Because it's so far away from your Daddy and once you leave, you can never come back to visit him, or anyone else."

There was a light pressure as Carter lightly squeezed my hand, "don't worry Daddy, I wanna stay here wif you more den (then) I could ever want to see dinosaurs."

My heart basically swelled with so much love that I thought it would burst, "good, because I wouldn't let you go anyways," I teased, even though it was the truth.

***

Fifteen minutes later, Harry, Carter, and I were sitting at a table when a waiter walked towards us. "What would you like to drink?" He named a bunch of drinks, including beer.

"I'll take a beer," I said, my body was starting to feel the affect of withdraw from the alcohol already.

"Then I'll need some ID."

My heart sunk, "but I don't-"

"Then no beer. Is there anything else you'd like?"

All I did was shake my head to prevent from creating a scene. So he took the order of Harry and Carter. Carter wanted a strawberry smoothie and Harry wanted beer and ice tea. Of course he didn't even need to show his damn ID, because he has so much money, and could buy out the entire restaurant if he wanted to.

My hand began to shake from frustratio and how badly I needed a drink, Harry noticed, but didn't comment.

"Are you okay, Daddy?" Carter asked.

"Just fine, Hon," I managed to answer.

The waiter came back with our drinks, and three straws. After the waiter left with the rest of Harry's order of salad, and Carter's order of grilled cheese sandwiches Harry passed me the beer along with the straw.

"For you."

At first, I just stared at the dark tempting drink in disbelief, "um thanks I guess."

"No problem."

I hesitated before asking, "you didn't spike it with anything right?" Casually, I ignored the straw and instead opened it and gave it to Carter since he had dropped his straw.

Harry's eyes narrowed in response.

"Okay, okay, just making sure," I mumbled while taking a small sip. From that small sip, my entire body relaxed.

"So food doesn't appeal at all to you?" Harry asked. I only shook my head while continuing to sip from my beer.

"You're thoroughly addicted aren't you." Harry stated, and I neither supported nor denied the statement.

Carter picked up his greasy sandwich, and began to eat the heck out of it.

"You really were hungry weren't you?" I said in amazement.

"Guess he wasn't kidding when he said that he was hungry," Harry mumbled in equal amazement.

"I guess not."

I took this as a sign that maybe Carter was going to be okay, that maybe he was going to live after all.

Maybe I should just stop taking everything as a sign.

***

After Carter ate his gummy bears for dessert, and Harry paid the bill, we left.

Carter seemed to be okay, even wanting to go to the park, but I had said no, because it was already starting to get dark. The real reason is that I was starting to get the sharp pain in my stomach again.

We walked back to Harry's flat in silence.

"Thanks for today, Harry," I said that evening.

"Your welcome," Harry said, staring at me a moment longer than usual.

"Why do you keep staring at me like that?" I asked.

"Nothing, I just really liked your eyes, is all," he shrugged.

***

Later that night Carter ended up puking everything he had eaten that day into the toilet and I was right beside him the entire time.

If this was a sign, it isn't a good one.

Tomorrow I'll make Carter an appointment for his chemotherapy.


	17. A Choice of Life and Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

Something was wrong.

There was that dull pain in my stomach and when I sat up to look at the area, I saw that there was a slight yet visible bulge in my upper abdomen area through my shirt.

I decided to lay back and dismiss the pain since it was something I was used to, however that became impossible when the dull ache grew into a strong nausea.

That was when I hopped out of bed to run to the bathroom.

When I just barely made it to the toilet, I began to gag into it, yellow mixed with red presented itself into the bowl. I thought puking would ease the pain, but I found the pain only intensified.

Helplessly, I sobbed as sweat began to drench through my shirt and dampen my hair.

I felt like I was on fire and I didn't know what else I could do.

Soft footsteps that I knew to be Carter's padded into the tiled bathroom, "Daddy, o-okay?" His panicky voice filled my ears.

Desperately, I tried to answer him, to calm him or tell him to leave but all that came out my mouth was another gag that had blood forcing its way out of my mouth.

"Wha' do I d-d-do Daddy!?" Carter squeals, helpless and clutches at the back of my shirt.

I was busy trying to bring oxygen into my lungs with each of my laboured breaths, but it only brought more pain to my stomach.

Carter ran out of the bathroom and I tried reaching for him, to grab onto him and hold him close to me, however the act left me light headed and suddenly I felt cool tile against my cheek.

"Mr. Styles! Help my Daddy!" Carter screeched out his demand.

Heavier footsteps caused for the floor to vibrate against my cheek as black began to spot my vision. Words from others around me blended together and grew muffled.

Two pairs of panicked green eyes was that last thing I was able to clearly see before my vision went entirely black.

***

It was still black.

I was still engulfed in red, hot, suffocating pain. I tried thrashing my arms and legs around, but they were firmly held down by my sides.

I was completely immobilized.

There was an unbearable, unrelenting silence.

The silence grew into small whispers of hurtful names. They were familiar words to me, fag, queer, homo, etc. Though they started as whispers, they crescendoed into loud hateful screams.

I began to scream back at them, "SHUT UP! STOP IT!"

They only laughed, throwing more insults, the pain engulfed me to the point of where I thought I was dying.

However, it all stopped after there was a slight prick in my arm.

There was no pain.

There was no more degrading insults.

There was no more darkness.

There wasn't silence.

There was bliss.

Then, there was nothing.

***

"Is my Daddy going to wake up soon?" My hearing was muffled, as if my ears were clogged.

"Yes, Carter according to the doctor, he should be waking up soon," a second person answered Carter.

Groaning a bit, I attempted to shift from where I was laying down, but I found that I still wasn't able to move my limbs, or any of my body for that matter.

"He moved," Carter gasped.

I cracked my eyes open, only to receive a headache and I immediately closed them again. "Don't worry, take your time," a familiar voice said.

Frowning, I cleared my throat, attempting to talk, "C-Carter?" I slowly opened my eyes, my first concern was for Carter.

"Righ' here Daddy," Carter said from beside the bed. I attempted moving my arm to hold his hand, that was when I noticed the restraints around my arms and wrists.

"Why can't I move?" I asked, wincing at how sore my stomach felt.

"Well..." said a new voice, but was familiar as well, so I looked to who it belonged to, and saw Harry, "the doctors had to restrain you to prevent you from hurting yourself further. You kept thrashing around while you were unconscious."

My frown deepened further, "unconscious... what the Hell happened?"

"You were puking up blood, then you passed out, so I brought you to the hospital. Apparently you have a liver disease due to your 'heavy drinking problem'." Harry said while he made air quotations.

"Don't have a heavy drinking problem," I mumbled. "Can you sort of unrestrain my arms and legs? They are starting to go numb."

The doctor had a good reason to restrain me, but did they seriously need to leave me restrained like this!?

"Well, I don't see why not," Harry shrugged as he started to undo the restraints that held me tight, granting relief for my arms and legs. There were red splotches around sed mentioned areas from how tight the restrains were.

I thanked him. Carter lightly poked me and I held his hand, "yes Little C?"

"What is a drinking problem? Does it mean you drink too much water?" Carter asked, clearly confused. "Should Cawter (Carter) stop drinkin' water?"

Before I answered him, I gave thorough thought to my words, "it means that I drink too much of this certain... drink that is bad for me. It made me very sick, which is why I'm in the hospital bed right now."

"But Daddy, why didn't you stop so you don't get sick?" Carter asked, unable to comprehend what was going on.

"It... does funny things to my head, to make me think that it's the only thing that can make me feel better... on the inside." Sighing, I answered truthfully, "but the real reason why I didn't stop is because I just didn't want to."

Harry's eyes watched me carefully, "the doctor says that you're too skinny, you know."

"I already knew that." I shrugged.

"The doctor... also said that if you don't stop the drinking then-"

I cut him off, "I know what happens." My eyes fell on Carter's green eyes, "but don't you dare say it with Carter present."

He nodded, "okay."

The door busted open as someone came in, well two someones to be more specific, Liam and Niall came in.

"We came as soon as we could. How are you feeling Louis?" Liam asked while standing next to the bed, as did Niall.

I shrugged, "a bit sore, but otherwise I'm fine."

"That's a relief," Niall said. "I thought that you were going to die or something. That would be horrible." Niall looked over at Carter, "hi Carter! Come here little buddy!"

Carter looked at me for help, but I chuckled in amusement, "Go ahead Little C, go say hi to your big buddy."

"Okay Daddy," he mumbled without complaining, slowly trudging over to the Irish lad. "Hi Niall."

Niall immediately engulfed Carter in a gentle hug, knowing that he'd cause bruises if it were any harder. Bruises were the last thing that Carter needed, since Carter's take awhile to fade away, as do mine. My black eye is still there, though it's just starting to lighten. Carter's bruises are still healing from a week ago.

Harry and Liam both chuckled as Carter hugged back awkwardly.

A doctor came in, "hello Mr. Tomlinson, it's good to know that you're awake. How are you feeling right now?"

"Sore," was my one worded answer.

He nodded, "that was to be expected. As you know already, this whole incident happened because of your drinking problem. And for every problem, there is a solution. Although this is a more serious problem and it might seem like there isn't a solution, there is."

The doctor paused, I chose to interject, "before you continue, I would appreciate it if my son didn't hear this. In fact, I don't want him to hear any of it."

Niall stood up with Carter holding his hand, "come on Carter, I saw there's a playground outside that I know that you'll just love it." I watched as they walked out of the room.

"There is no one solution, but you can start by eating healthy and drinking less than you usually do. Drinking less will start to slowly wean your body off of the alcohol which could be accomplished through rehab," the doctor continued.

"And if I don't listen?" I asked.

"You will eventually die from it, your condition will worsen into cirrhosis or even hepatitis," explained the doctor.

I chose to say nothing else on the subject.

I knew that this was going to be hard, I also knew that I had to listen to the doctor as well.

I knew that Carter needed me, he doesn't need me to die.

I knew that I can't die, I need to live for Carter, to keep him alive.

So this one time, I chose life, well at least this time I did.


	18. Escape From Reality pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.

“Daddy!” I hear Carter’s hysterical screams. “Daddy wake up!”

I so desperately want to open my eyes, to hug him and assure him that I was okay, but darkness stretched out for as far as I could see.

 _Carter!_ I tried to call out, but found that the words just wouldn’t form behind my lips.

My heart pounded from behind my ribcage, I silently screamed when I found that I was no longer able to hear Carter’s voice.

Sobbing, my body allowed me to utter one small desperate plea of _Carter_ before I was able to open my eyes again.

This time, I was met with the red light from a digital clock that read 3:03 a.m.

This time, I was actually awake.

I could tell from the soreness residing in my stomach that reminded me of myy mortality, the stinging of my tired watering eyes, and from how I just could not muster the ability to gather even an inkling of energy.

It’s been a week since I’ve been to the hospital.

I’ve been sober through five of them.

After I got out of the hospital, I went through the seven stages of grief in two days. The rest of the five days, I’ve spent going through withdraw.

Harry said that I shouldn’t start work until I’m completely better, so one would think I’d take advantage and sleep in until at least the sun came up.

My nightmares won’t allow for that.

The dream that I just woke up from is yet another variation of how I picture my dying moment to be, Carter’s hysteria and me being alone seem to be two recurring themes throughout my “dreams”.

Beside me, Carter is still sound asleep. To prevent him from waking, I got up and exited the room with nothing else but what I was wearing.

My shoulder was bare since I was dressed in one of Harry’s oversized jumpers that was practically falling off of my frame. Beneath the large jumper, I’m wearing nothing but a pair of boxers that can’t be seen.

I think Harry has been giving me such big clothes on purpose, yet when I question him on it, he said that he only owns jumpers twice my size. Though he somehow happens to have boxers that fit me.

Quietly, as to not wake anyone up, I padded downstairs only to stop in my tracks when I heard that the television was on and cigarette smoke hung heavily in the air. “...has recently been spotted in public with a younger, attractive, brunette lad, and the same little kid as before. Is he cheating on Sophia, or is there more to the story? Next up we have-” I think that the t.v. was shut off.

“I know that you’re there,” Harry said, voice tired and drained. When I entered the living room, the smell of smoke intensified.

“They were talking about you on the telly?” I asked through my sleepy haze before plopping onto the couch, curling up between Harry and the arm of the couch (though I was sure to keep to the side of the couch… for the most part).

Harry took a long drag from his cigarette before blowing it out into puffs of smoke, “yes, yes they were.”

“Oh,” was all I was able to yawn out, watching Harry intently as he continued to smoke in the silence that I allowed. Unable to hold it in for any longer, I allowed for a small cough to escape my throat due to the smoke that had begun to fill the air.

“Does the smoke bother you?” He asked me, looking ready to get up, “I could open a window if you want me to.”

“No, that’s fine. My dad used to smoke plenty,” I thought nothing of my clipped answer.

 

“Oh,” Harry sat back down beside me.

 

Silence yet again plagued the room before I noticed that the t.v. was still on the news channel, but it was just muted with subtitles on. My skin prickled when I read that a kid had committed suicide as a result of bullying.

That could have almost been me four years ago if Zayn hadn’t stopped me.

I tugged the sweater paws of Harry’s jumper further over my fingertips, more than grateful that they hid the ugly scars.

 

Harry must have noticed the change in mood as he looked over at me, “you okay?”

When I tried speaking, I noticed that a lump had begun to form in the pit of my throat and I cleared it away and nodded just slightly, “yeah… can you-... can you just change the channel?”

“Sure,” the channel was changed to some show that I used to watch as a kid. I think that it was called Courage the Cowardly Dog Show… or something like that. “How is your stomach feeling?”

At being mentioned, my stomach twisted into knots.

“I’ll live,” came my only short ironic response.

“Are you up for starting work soon?” Harry asked me.

I nodded quickly, “yeah- yeah totally.”

“Okay good,” Harry mumbled, although I feel that it was moreso for himself than for me to hear, so I stayed quiet.

Thinking up a response, I began, “so… uh…?” however, I immediately blushed and looked away when I realized that I had forgotten what exactly I was going to say.

An uncomfortable silence followed my word.

Harry decided to put me out of my misery, “so… what are you doing up so early?”

I shrugged and wished that I was able to remember my thought from before

“Fine then, don’t tell me.”

Chuckling humorlessly, I shook my head and looked down, feeling my blush spread to the back of my neck as I did so. "You’ll laugh at me if I told you."

"I won't laugh," Harry said, I wasn't able to pick out any emotion in particular on his face when I chose to look up.

"Promise?" I asked. In that moment, I faintly realized why Carter always did the whole pinkie promise thing.

"Promise," Harry grinned a bit.

"Okay, as childish as it sounds, I can't sleep, because of my nightmares." I confessed while looking down at Harry's thousand dollar rug that now had a piss stain on it from Carter. My guess is that Sophia tried cleaning it, but it didn’t quite work out…

I’m glad that the spot still there.

"It's not childish at all, unless if it's childish that I have them too," Harry said. I didn't look up at him, afraid that the shock would show too easily across my features.

"Really? You're not tricking me or anything?" I asked him, furrowing my brow as I looked back at the television screen to see the stump of a purple tree.

"I have no reason to trick you or anything like that," Harry said, while breathing out a puff of smoke.

"Oh," was all I said.

"Do you know what I used to do when they got really bad?" Harry asked.

"What?" I ask, while turning to look at Harry curiously. Harry moved closer to me, wrapping his arms carefully around me.

"I'd snuggle in bed with my dad," Harry murmured into my ear, while pulling me awkwardly closer to his chest.

My face grew that much warmer at Harry’s implications and I wondered if he even wondered how wrong he was making this look and sound.

"H-Harry, what are y-you doing?" I stammered nervously without really realizing it. The close proximity made me aware and highly self conscious of my situation. I was barely wearing anything and Harry was literally only in his boxers. My own bare shoulder was against his own. "P-please let go."

"Shhh, just relax, I'm keeping the nightmares away."

That’s when I knew that he knew exactly what he was implying and from his smirk, I could tell that he didn’t care.

***

When I woke up again, I was no longer cuddling in Harry's arms, but I was still on the couch. My hair was more than likely a horrid mess, though I didn't really care at the moment. 

When I woke up, I was more focused on trying to get to the kitchen instead. Squinting at the calander, excitementfilled me when I saw the date. It's November twenty-sixth, which means that Carter's birthday is in five days since his birthday is the first of December.

Though I don't have a present for him yet, I soon will.

“Hey,” a deep voice said from behind me. I nearly jumped as I turned around as fast as I could. A sigh of relief soon left my lips when I saw that it was only Harry.

“Harry, you scared the shit out of me!” I exclaimed in a scolding manner, cheeks burning in embarrassment from my previous actions.

“Yeah, I could sort of tell from how you jumped eight feet in the air.” Harry chortled, clear amusement in his eyes.

My blush deepened at the mention of my reaction as I mumbled something incoherently while turning away from him. “Uhm, it's five days until Carter's birthday,” I projected to change the subject. 

“We could plan a party for him and even invite Niall and Liam over.” Harry suggested nonchalantly. 

“No, I wasn't- I wasn't planning on doing anything big,” I mumbled, attempting to cool my cheeks with the backs of my hands. “I just need someone to watch Carter while I go out to buy him a present.”

“If you say so,” Harry shrugged, watching me closely, gauging my every reaction. “Niall invited you to come clubbing with us later this evening.”

“I'd rather not go, someone would need to watch Carter and I really don't want to be around alcohol right now.” My mind went to the hospital bills that added up to three thousand pounds. I really didn't need to spend any money right now.

“You don't need to drink, Liam won't be drinking either. It'd be to just go out and have some fun. As for Carter, I have two friends who are willing to babysit for free. Their names are Zayn and Perrie and they are literally the most responsible people I've ever known.”

At the mention of Zayn, hope filled me, but I immediately squashed it, reminding myself that my Zayn is in America. However, that didn't stop the next words from leaving my mouth.

“Okay that's fine.” I answered quickly.

“Cool, they'll be here with Liam and Niall, so you can meet them then.”

 

***

 

Most of my day was spent with Carter since I told him that I'd be out through the night. He cried at first, but I told him that he was a big boy. After a lot of convincing, and bribery with gummy bears, Carter was fine with me leaving for the night.

I took two hours to get ready. My hair just wouldn't cooperate, so I improvised and went for the messy hair look. My time had ran out because the doorbell rang, interrupting my process.

I took my time walking down the flight of stairs and was silent when I reached the last step, wanting to fully assess this Zayn character before anyone saw me.

My heart literally stopped when I saw the familiar face.

It was Zayn; my Zayn.

He was still wearing our friendship bracelet even though I had lost mine many years ago.

Gathering my wits about me, I cleared My throat, which drew everyone's attention to me.

“Louis, this is Zayn,” Harry introduced him even though I didn't need the introduction. “Perrie got tied up at the homeless shelter, so it'll just be Zayn watching Carter tonight if that's alright with you.”

I stared into Zayn's eyes, wondering if he even recognizes me. I decided to play it safe and hold my hand out for a handshake. “That's fine. I'm Louis.” I decided to introduce myself just in case Zayn didn't remember me.

Zayn grabbed my hand, then used it as leverage to pull me into a strong hug and I nearly started crying at the contact, because I was finally reunited with Zayn.

"Hi Loubear," he whispered into my ear.

"Hi Zee," I whispered back, resting my chin on his shoulder.

"Looks like I finally found you," Zayn said, love and a bunch of other emotions were evident in his voice.

"Yeah, looks like you finally did. I thought that you forgot about me," I sniffled, feeling tears in my eyes.

"I can never forget you, Lou Lou."

"I can never forget you either Zee."

In that one moment, I felt loved by someone else other than Carter. Suddenly I didn't feel so lonely anymore.

However, little that I know that all those positive feeling would be gone by tomorrow morning.


	19. Escape From Reality pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There is smut in this chapter, and I will put a warning there when it gets to that part. There is also some... talking about sexual stuff in this chapter, which you will see. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I was sitting on a bar stool next to Liam, after what happened the last time he drank, he explained that he didn't want to drink anymore. Harry and Niall were on the dance floor dancing. I watched as there was a bunch of girls surrounding Harry, a couple were grinding against him. My heart stuttered for a moment, then I tuned to face away from the painful scene with a sigh.

"You okay?" Liam asked me.

Without answering, I downed the rest of my shot, calling the bartender over I asked for another, placing the money on the counter, which he took.

"Lou," Liam said, his voice softer this time.

I cringed at the old nickname. "Don't call me that," I murmured.

"Why not?" He asked.

"Mum used to call me that," I answered, not entirely sure why I did. Maybe it was because I'm a bit tipsy. Maybe it's because I'm actually starting to trust again.

The bartender came back with my shot, then walked away.

"What happened to her?"

"Huh?" I asked, not fully understanding his question.

"What happened to her?" Liam repeated carefully

A dark chuckle left my lips, "absolutely nothing." I drank half of my shot in one gulp.

"Then why don't you want to remember her?"

The question was simple, but to me, it was quite painful to hear. "Don't wanna talk about it," I mumbled.

Liam nodded, "and I respect that."

Suddenly, a piss ass drunk Niall came up to Liam. "Li! There's a purple monster following me! You're gonna save me right?!"

"'Course Ni, come on let's go home. See you later Lou-is." He caught himself before calling me 'Lou'. "Also if Harry asks, tell him that we went home."

"M'kay." I answered before they walked out. Finishing off my shot with a sigh, I vaguely wondered how Carter and Zayn are. This is one of those moments where I wished I had a mobile to check up on them.

Looking over to Harry, I noticed him looking back at me, a dark look in his green eyes. Blood rushed to my cheeks a his intense stare. Harry walked over to where I was sitting, but I spoke before he could say anything. "Can I borrow your mobile? I want to check up on Carter."

"They're fine," he murmured against my ear. His breath was warm, and alcohol-filled against the rim of my ear.

"Harry please just let me talk to Zayn," I almost pleaded, but managed to keep my voice from wavering.

"And what if I said no?" he asked while placing firm kisses down my neck. However, I pushed him away.

"Then I'd walk all the way back to your flat to check on them myself, and stay there for the rest of the night."

Growling, Harry harshly bit into my neck. A small involuntary whimper left my throat from the sudden stinging pain. Almost immediately he began sucking on the same spot. My breath caught in my throat. "Cut it out Harry."

Pulling away from my neck, he handed over his mobile. "Zayn's in my contacts under 'Z'. Hurry up, and don't keep me waiting."

I didn't even acknowledge his words as I stepped out. Following Harry's instructions, I quickly called him.

Zayn picked up instantly. "Hey Harry," in the back round I was able to hear faint crying that I recognized as my own son's. "It's Louis actually. Is Carter alright?"

"Oh hey Louis. Yeah he's just really missing you. Would you want to talk to him?"

"Please," was my simple answer.

There was a faint shuffling on the other line before I heard Carter's voice. "D-Daddy?" he sniffled.

"Hey Little C, what's wrong?"

"Missin' you lots Daddy. You'll be here soon?" he asked hopefully.

"As soon as I can, Hon. You okay now?"

"Can you... can you do somet'ink fo' me?" His small voice became shy, and hesitant.

"Anything Little C," I answered truthfully, and whole-heartedly. "I promise."

"Will you sing me to sleep?" he asked tentatively.

"'Course Little C. Ask Uncle Zayn to help you into bed, okay?"

"M'kay," came his small answer.

After a lot of shuffling, a few minutes passed, and I heard Carter's small voice again. "In bed."

"Okay Hon, now close your eyes and listen."

There wasn't a response, so I began.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy, when skies are gray.

You'll never know dear, how much I love you.

Please don't take, my sunshine away." I made sure to sing the song slowly to make the moment last longer.

"Louis?" I heard Zayn's hushed voice.

"Still here. Is he asleep?" I asked.

"Yeah, thanks." Zayn answered, relief written all throughout his tone, as well as exhaustion.

"No problem, mate. Get some sleep, ya?"

"Okay, I will. See you later, mate."

"See you."

The line went dead as he hung up. Sighing, I walked back inside and the loud music immediately pulsated around me. Harry was where I had left him, so he was easy to find. "Here's your mobile back," I mumbled while handing it to him, and sat back on the bar stool, ordering another shot.

When it came, I brought the glass up to my lips and swallowed a mouthful of the clear alcoholic beverage. My tongue darted out from between my lips to catch the residue of the liquor. I was aware of Harry intensely staring into the side of my head. Both ignoring and not acknowledging him, I finished the shot, and motioned the bartender over to take away my glass.

As tempted as I was to get another, I refrained from asking, instead turning to look into green eyes. "Are you staring at me for any particular reason?" I finally asked.

"Yes, but I won't tell you, because you'd probably faint," he smirked, and curiosity sparked a sudden interest in me.

"Oh? Try me," I didn't answer with a question, it was more like a challenge.

He leaned in closer to me, and for one fate filled moment I thought that he was going to kiss me. However, instead of feeling his lips against mine, they were against the shell of my ear, whispering dirty things. "I'm thinking about the things that I can do to your body, what I can do to you big arse, to your nipples," one of his hands rose to lightly pinch at my right nipple through my shirt.

I roughly bit into my bottom lip, because that's all that I could do to cage in a pleasure laced yelp.

"Mmm," he hummed. "The noises I can make you create. Whimpering as you beg for more, gagging around my cock, sobbing when I milk you dry."

"H-Harry..." I trailed off not being able to function when the graphic images started playing in my head, perfectly matching Harry's description.

"And that's the name you'll be screaming every single time I make you cum." One of his hands started to rub my member through my jeans, "so hard already, and just from my words."

"Harry... st-stop." I managed to choke out, trying to feebly push him away, but my attempts were in vain since Harry was bigger than me.

"And why should I?" his hand began to rub my member faster than before.

"B-because..." I couldn't find the words to say, because not only was I drunk on alcohol, but I was drunk on pleasure as well. On their own, it's perfect, but combined it's the exact opposite, and is dangerous.

"Mhm?" his tongue lightly licked the rim of my ear.

"B-because you d-don't love m-me and-d you'll just leave me," I answered, which was the truth, my reason as to why I'm admitting this, I don't know. It's probably the alcohol more than anything.

"I do love you, and I won't ever leave you."

"Y-You're just saying that to get into my pants."

"That's only half of it." Harry answered, kissing a trail up and down my neck.

"Than w-what's the other half?" I whispered, almost afraid to hear his answer.

He kissed his way up to my ear before whispering his answer into my ear, like it was a secret. "The other half is that I really mean it."

"O-Okay." came my simple answer.

***

(WARNING! THIS IS WHERE THE SMUT STARTS!!!)

Half an hour later, I laid completely naked in front of Harry who had no clothes on as well. To be honest, he was pretty big, at least ten inches.

Laying in this bed, I felt exposed.

Harry could see all my scars, but he didn't seem to care. If he did, he didn't say anything.

His eyes darkened as I hardened underneath his gaze. Suddenly, his mouth wrapped around my nipple, and began to harshly suck. I choked back a whimper at the sudden pleasure it brang me

"Don't hold it back, I know how much you love getting your nipples sucked, I know how sensitive they are," Harry said.

A yelp made it past my lips as teeth lightly bit at the sensitive bud. "N-Not fair how y-you remember m-my turn-ons, b-but I c-couldn't even r-remember your name-" The rest if my sentence got caught in my throat and turned into a moan as Harry's hand began to roll my other nipple between his two fingers.

"Harry!" I screwed my eyes shut.

My hips bucked up into his, needing relief. Growling, Harry ground his erection into my own.

"Please Harry, I need your cock to fill m-me up," I nearly begged him.

He removed himself from both of my reddened nipples. "And why should I fuck you, huh Louis?" the curly haired lad taunted. "Why should I fill your little tight hole with my big cock?" A teasing thumb rubbed itself against my arsehole.

"B-because you want it as- as badly as I do." I whimpered, attempting to grind against his thumb, however Harry removed his thumb. My brow furrowed in frustration at the lost contact.

Humming against my neck, Harry smirked, "Seems like a good enough reason."

I found relief as Harry began to roughly grind his hard member against my hole. "Fuck Harry, feels so good," I whimpered from the sweet friction over my hole.

Without warning, I felt the blunt leaky tip of Harry's cock penetrate me, and I panicked a bit. "H-Harry, lube."

"You'll be fine."

"Condom, Harry please." I don't want to get pregnant again so soon. However, Harry got the wrong interpretation.

"I'm clean."

Pain blossomed within me as Harry sheathed half of his member inside of me all at once. Tears sprouted in the corners of my eyes.

"Harry please, stop! You've gotta st-stretch me out first! It hurts!"

All that Harry did was shush me.

Clenching around Harry's dick, I all but sobbed as he pulled all the way out only to shove back in again. After giving me a moment to adjust, Harry began thrusting in and out, paying no attention to my tears. My vise like grip on his biceps only grew tighter as Harry's brutal pace became unrelentingly harsh.

"STOP!" more tears blurred my sight.

"My girlfriend takes me better than you can," Harry growled. "So shut up."

My sobbing reduced to small pain laced whimpers at the comment. For some stupid reason, I felt the need to satisfy him.

Suddenly, I felt the tip brush against something inside me, and I gasped, sitting upright. "Oh."

Smirking, Harry thrusted up into me, hitting the same spot dead on. "You like that don't you?"

The pleasure almost erased the raw pain, causing me to grip onto Harry's biceps that much tighter. "Harry," I whimpered out.

"Answer me," Harry practically growled. "You like it when I rub against your prostate, don't you?"

"Yes," I nearly sobbed out from the overstimulation, "Harry please."

He smirked against my neck, as he buried his head into the crook of my neck. "Now that's what I like to hear."

After many minutes filled with my whimpers, and his moans, I came on my tummy, with a scream of Harry's name on my lips. There was pleasure, and there was pain, but it was something that I was used to.

I felt Harry's teeth sink into my neck to mask his own pleasured sounds as he painted my insides white with come. Harry thrusted a few more times into my abused hole before pulling out.

(END SMUT SCENE!!!!!)

"No more, Harry, please no more," I whimpered. Turning onto my side, I curled into myself trying to escape what just happened, to escape Harry, as my tears escaping unrelentlessly. I was aware of Harry laying next to me, facing my back, and wrapping his strong arms around me.

"Sh, it's okay babe, just let it all out. M'done now."

In that moment, I turned, and sobbed into Harry's chest as Carter would have done to me. Placing his chin on top of my head, he held me closer, "what's wrong, Louis?"

"I'm scared," I admitted in a whisper against his collarbone.

"Scared of what?" he asked drowsiness apparent in his words.

"Of what's gonna happen in the morning," I sniffled, he wouldn't remember any of this in the morning, so I might as well get it out in the open.

"Don't worry, I love you, everything's gonna be okay."

I wished that he truly meant those words, but deep down I knew that he was lying.

Deep down, what scared me the most is that I'm actually starting to feel love towards Harry, knowing already that he could never love me back.

That night, I could pretend everything is okay, and that Harry really loves me back.

However, in reality, I've never felt more disgusted with myself in my life than in that moment.

But this is my escape from reality, so I don't have to think about that just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, uhm sorry if the smut scene totally sucks, there was going to be more, but I decided to cut that part out. Questions, comments, or suggestions, just leave below. Yes, the smut scene is necessary for later chapters, you'll see. That's about all I have to say, so see you later!


	20. Return To Reality

That morning I would have stayed asleep, if it wasn't for someone groaning and shifting in bed. I thought that it was Carter at first, but Carter obviously isn't big enough to hold me in his arms.

"What the fuck!?" Someone yelled, pushing me away from them, which wasn't a very pleasant way to wake up.

Immediately I sat up, waking up entirely. That was my wake up call, and also how my return to reality. I was naked in bed next to Harry, who was also naked. What scared me the most was that I couldn't remember a thing from last night.

"What the Hell happened?" I asked while scooting away from him, hiding my body underneath the sheet.

"What the Hell do you think!? Why didn't you stop me!?" Harry yelled at me, furiously jumping out of the bed, and puting his clothes on. "What's wrong with you!?"

I froze at the intensity of his voice, and buried my head in my hands, trying to desperately to remember what happened last night. If I wanted to, I could infer what happened from the sharp sting in my bum whenever I moved.

In my head I could hear Harry's words.

'Don't worry, I love you, everything's gonna be okay.'

"What's wrong with me?" I asked, " no, I believe the right question is what's wrong with you? Your the one that said that you love me!"

"Well I have Sophia for that," his voice was cold, and harsh.

"But you said that you mean it!" I yelled back at him, holding back my tears.

"Well I lied. Get dressed now you whore."

Feeling self-conscious, I followed his instructions, "I'm not a whore, if anyone's a whore its you."

Harry growled, and I must have hit a soft patch. "You know what? I'm absolutely done with you. Once you get your clothes on, and we get out of here, you will find your own way back to my flat, and when you do, you and Carter are out of my flat, because you will no longer be staying there! You aren't going to get that stupid job, and I don't ever want to see you again, if I see you again, then I'll kill you! I lied when I said I love you, because no one could ever love a worthless, pathetic, whore like you!"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" I yelled at him, which probably wasn't the best thing to do.

His green eyes darkened in rage. "DON'T," he paused to punch me hard in the face, "TELL," he punched me again even harder, "ME," another punch "WHAT TO" another painfully hard punch "DO" another punch "YOU WHORE!" Harry yelled in my face before delivering a final punch that hit me square in the nose.

The entire room spun along with my head, and I could feel blood drip from my nose. My tears were held at bay, since I didn't want to show weakness and cry in front of Harry, especially right now.

A door slammed, and I was aware that Harry wasn't in the room anymore. I didn't bother to look in the mirror, already knowing that my face looked horrible, so I didn't even bother to look into a mirror, instead I went straight for the tissues.

In my mind I knew that this was all just a reality check for me, and was over all me returning to reality after my escape.

***

It took me forty five minutes to finally make it back to Harry' flat, and when I did, I was almost afraid to knock on the door, but I did it anyways since it was locked. To my relief, Harry didn't answer Zayn did.

He gasped, "Loubear what happened to your face?"

My bottom lip trembled, because I didn't have the words to tell him. My instincts told me to just hug Zayn, and stay there forever, but I went against what my instincts were telling me, and instead pushed past him so that I could get inside, ignoring his questioning completely.

"Lou, are you okay?" I froze at the old nickname.

"Don't call me that. Where's Harry?" I asked, the harshness of my own words surprised me, but it covered up my fear.

"I'm not sure, he's not here, didn't come home like you," Zayn answered.

I sighed, "good."

Quickly I made my way upstairs and to the room that Carter and I are staying in, well were staying in. Carter was still asleep in the bed, and I watched his face with unshed tears in my eyes. He looked so comfortable, and I didn't want to wake him. I knew that I still had to, and preferably before Harry came home.

Sitting next to Carter, I carefully rubbed his back, "Carter, come on Hon, you've gotta get up now." Carter stirred a bit, but remained motionless aside from that.

"C-Carter please get up," my voice faltered, and I became desperate, the anxiety was killing me. What if Harry walked through the door right now and saw that we're still here. I don't want him to hurt Carter, me I don't care about.

With trembling hands, I picked Carter up, and carefully cradled him in my arms. Leaning down, I pulled my guitar out, and maneuvered it onto my back. Opening a drawer, I took out my sweatshirt that actually belonged to me, and slung it over my shoulder.

Zayn was watching me as I walked down the stairs, "where are you going?"

"Out," I muttered, not caring if he heard me or not.

"Where?" Zayn asked while blocking the door.

"Getting Carter a birthday present," I said off the top of my head.

His voice softened, and he cupped my cheek, and gently forced me to look up, "don't lie to me Louis, I've been your friend since forever, please don't lie to me."

I looked into his brown eyes, they were safe, and they were home. My voice was high pitched, as it gets whenever I'm about to cry. "I can't do this right now Zee. I just can't discuss this with you right now." My blue eyes pleaded with his own.

He looked into my eyes for a bit longer before dropping his hand again, but once he did I immediately missed its presence. I knew deep down that I wouldn't be seeing Zayn again, or Harry, or Niall, or Liam.

My heart clenched at thought of never seeing my new friends ever again.

"Okay," said Zayn's voice, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"If you see Harry, just tell him that... that he's right, and that I don't want him to hurt anymore. Tell him that I'm saying goodbye for the last time. That's all that I can say, so I'll be on my way."

"Okay, bye Lou Lou."

I didn't answer as I opened the door. The last thing I saw as I closed the door were Zayn's sad eyes, and that's what I would always remember.

As I walked to the park, I knew that Harry and I's escape from reality was just another drunken mistake meant to tear me away from each other.

More importantly, it tore me away from my best friend again, and did nothing but leave more scars.


	21. House of Nightmares

That night, Carter and I slept on the park bench, guitar on my back, as uncomfortable as it was. It was beyond freezing, and Carter was violently shivering in his sleep. I pulled his trembling form closer to my body, hoping that my body heat would help, but all Carter did was whimper, and tremble even more.

My entire body was wrapped around his, however the body heat didn't seem to transfer to his own smaller form. Sighing, I took off my sweatshirt and carefully wrapped it around him, and held him tight.

Though he might end up bruised in the morning, and it was selfish of me, but I didn't care. I just wanted to keep him warm through the night, and alive for as long as I can.

Even if it did cost a couple of bruises.

***

When morning came, I was awake, having not slept at all. I was awake worrying, and keeping Carter warm. Even though I was awake, Carter was still sleeping. The only indication that I have that he was still alive was the slight but steady rise and fall of his chest. Carefully, I picked him up, holding him closer to my body while he nestled deep within my sweatshirt.

"D-daddy?" asked Carter's small voice.

"Yes Hon?"

"M-my body hurts a-all ov-er," Carter whimpered.

"Okay Little C. Everything's gonna be just fine. You know what?" I said calmly, trying to distract him from the pain that he must be in. I guiltily knew that it is more than likely my fault for hugging him too tight.

"Wha-t?" he sniffled, receding further into the warmth that my sweatshirt offered.

"Your birthday's coming up soon, and you're gonna be turning three. So I was thinking that since you're becoming such a big boy, you should pick out your own birthday present. How does that sound to you?" I asked.

I registered a faint nod from him.

"Okay then, let's go to the toy store."

It was silent as I continued to walk, and Carter rested in my arms.

At first I thought that Carter had fallen back asleep, but he called me again, "Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"Where a-are d-duh (the) d-dinosaurs r-really? It's- it's o-okay t-to say duh (the) dinosaurs d-died, b-because b-big b-buddy N-Niall s-said dey (they) did."

I shushed him, "yes Hon, they-... they died. But I didn't lie, Hon, because they did go to a more better and peaceful place than here. It's called Heaven." To be honest, I'm not sure if I even believe in Heaven, but I do believe in peace afterwards. After all, we do deserve to have peace after we die since we have to endure this hard life.

Carter looked up at me with tear filled eyes. "W-Well dat's- dat's (that's) w-where m'gonna go d-daddy. It hurts t-too much, and- and I wanna b-be in p-peace." His face absolutely crumbled as tears cascaded down his pale cheeks.

Immediately, I hushed him, wiping away his tiny, salty tears with my thumb. "Don't say that," I whispered. "Don't you dare say that after all we've been through, Carter. Listen to me, Baby Bear. It's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay." My voice caught in my throat, preventing me from saying anything.

He didn't say anything more to me.

For that I am grateful, because I wouldn't have been able to answer anyways.

***

It took awhile to find a toy store that was actually open, but when I did Carter woke up, having fallen back asleep earlier.

"Just tell me if you see anything that you like okay Hon?" I asked, while holding Carter upright so that he was able to see the toys on the shelf.

He didn't speak, only nodding a bit in confirmation.

I continued to walk down the aisles upon aisles of toys, stopping every once in a while when Carter would spot something that he likes. However, after he looked over the toy with assessing eyes, he would shake his head, and I'd put the toy back.

Finally, when we came across a stuffed dinosaur toy that was bigger than him. Carter reached for it, but was too small. "Daddy c-can you h-hold m-me higher pl-please?"

"'Course Hon." I murmured while holding him up high enough to reach the top shelf.

After retrieving the toy, I then held him regularly again so that he could look at the toy with judging eyes. A few minutes later, Carter nodded, "I wa-want d-dis (this) one D-Daddy."

"M'kay, Hon, give it to me so that I can pay for it."

Obediently, he handed me the plush dinosaur, and I checked the price tag, it read fifteen pounds. It was a bit expensive, but I'd get it since Carter wants it, and that's all that matters.

Once I gave up the money for the toy, I walked out of the toy store, Carter held tightly in my arms. He squeaked a bit when the freezing cold air hit the both of us.

We arrived at the park once again, and I just sat on the bench as Carter slept peacefully in my lap, his new dinosaur toy acting as a body pillow. Sighing a bit, I began to continuously smooth back his dark soft curls that were slightly damp from sweat. His usual pale cheeks were flushed with red from the cold, and a potential fever. I noticed that he had lost a few pounds as well.

This was no way for an almost three year old boy with leukemia to live, freezing and basically living in a park.

Carter's face suddenly turned from peaceful to greatly pained, and he whimpered, squirming quite a bit. I tried smoothing his hair back to soothe him, however he only sobbed at the contact, and moved away from my touch, squeezing the dinosaur tighter.

"Carter?" I whispered softly, my breath was visible in the air in front of me in small puffs.

All he did was let out more loud sobs while still sleeping, and that's when I began to worry, wishing that Harry was here to help me.

But he's not here, and he made it quite obvious that he doesn't want me.

Standing up, I held Carter close to me, and went over my choices in my head, and I had two choices. However, since I knew Harry would probably end up killing Carter or me, that excluded one of my choices.

There was only one option, and it involved me taking a walk down memory lane again.

***

Memory lane had lead me in front of my house, or what used to be my house.

It still looked as it did three years ago, the paint was white, and the windows seemed to be newly washed.

I saw that tree house that Zayn and I had built together was no longer there, and neither was the tree. All that was left was a smell stump of what used to be. Zayn and I shared so many memories in that tree. My eyes teared up as I walked over to the small stump, holding Carter carefully in my arms. Kneeling in the frost covered grass, I noticed something rusty laying in the grass.

Allowed a small tear to fall on Carter's forehead, I picked the object up, immediately recognizing it as my friendship bracelet, resembling Zayn and I's relationship.

My pocket became slightly heavier as I placed the simple chain bracelet into it.

Walking back to the front door, I mustered up my courage to finally knock on the door, Carter whimpered and buried his head into my chest as I did, and I carefully hid him inside my sweatshirt, making sure that he could still breathe.

A girl who was slightly taller than me answered the door, however it wasn't my mum. Almost immediately, I recognized her light blue eyes as Lottie's.

Her eyes widened, "Lou?!"

Carter whined, but I managed to offer her a small half smile, but I think it looked more like a grimace, "hey Lottie."

After she got over her initial shock, she immediately opened the door wider, "come on in , you must be freezing."

Hesitantly, I stepped into the house, somehow managing to stay calm, however my limbs were slightly shaking, "is... is mum home, what about the others?" To be honest, I was shocked with how easily the word 'mum' rolled off of my tongue.

"No... but she'll be back soon. The others are at school." Lottie explained, leading me to sit on the couch next to her. "What are you holding in your arms?" Curious hands began prodding at Carter, making him whimper.

I quickly shooed away her prying hands, "please, don't hurt him."

"Him!?" Lottie exclaimed as I moved the sweatshirt away from Carter's face to reveal him.

"Yeah, him. He's my... he's my son."

"I can tell, he has your nose." She whispered. "How old is he?"

"Three on the first." I answered carefully while studying her face as well.

Her face showed something close to sadness, "is that... is that why you left?"

"Left, is that what mum told you? Lot, mum kicked me out because I got pregnant. If it were up to me, trust me, I would have stayed." Carter snuggled into my chest, still asleep.

After a few moments Lottie didn't say anything, and in those moments, I thought that I had somehow managed to upset her. However, Lottie decided to change the subject. "Can I hold him?"

I shook my head, and chuckled a bit. "I would, but I'm afraid you'll end up breaking him. He's...not well. You see... Carter has a condition."

"Aw poor baby. What's wrong with him, what's he sick with?"

My voice wavered a bit on the one worded response, "leukemia."

"Lou," she exhaled. "That's serious, I'm so sorry." Lottie surprised me by wrapping her arms around me in a gentle hug, which I instantly relaxed into.

"Believe me, I am too."

After what seemed like a few short minutes of catching up, and me explainin my situation, in reality it was actually two hours, the door opened, and I tensed up as I saw my mum walk through the door.

"Lottie how are you-" she froze, and stopped talking. "What is that doing here?" My mum spat while pointing at me.

"Mum it's important I-"

She only cut me off. "I wasn't talking to you."

Immediately, I shut my mouth, burning with embarrassment as I realized that she still had some control over me whether I liked it or not.

"Mum," Lottie said sternly, standing in front of me. "He has a damn good reason to be here, so would you just shut up, and listen to him?"

Mum only shook her head, "I didn't want him in the house for a reason, and that reason still hasn't changed."

"Mum, I know that I haven't made some good decisions in the past, but please forgive me. I can't help who I fall in love with, I can only help who I end up with. Well I guess that I ended up with who I wanted... even if it was for a short period of time. Please don't take that out on me, or my son. Mummy, he's dying! Please don't kick me out again, please! I don't know what else to do, I have nowhere to go. Just please accept me, or at least just try and let me in Mum!" I almost started to beg her.

Her face hardened, "get out now."

"Mummy please don't do this to me! You promised you'd always be there for me! You promised, and now I need you. Please mummy, please let me stay here!" my begging reduced to desperate hysterical sobs. "He's- d-dying- and I-I ca-can't jus-just let him- him die and d-do nothing! He's everything to me! He's my- he's my baby!"

Lottie rubbed my back as a comforting gesture. "Mum, can't you see he's breaking at the seams? Would it seriously hurt you to let him stay?"

"Yes it would. Get out right this instant or else I will call the police," the last part was aimed towards me. A phone was in her hand as if to prove her point.

Sniffling, I wiped away my tears, my voice was hoarse. "Well, looks like I was wrong, then. Looks like you are just another homophobic face in this world, that can't look past my sexuality and accept me."

Out of all the times I've been rejected, I thought that I would've been used to it by now. It looks like I was wrong, because when I got rejected by my mom, it hurt worse than any other rejection I've had in my life.

I just wanted to be accepted for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I finally updated! I hope that you enjoyed it, even though it was sad. See y'all soon!


	22. Bonds Are Severed

(Harry's p.o.v.)

It's been two days since I last saw Louis and Carter.

No matter how hard I tried to forget about them, their memory still lingers near. Whenever I think about them, guilt immediately suffocates me. I've been smoking more than I usually do, a pack a day. Usually I'm not this much of a heavy smoker, but when I smoke, it helps me clear my mind, so this is my only option.

The message that Zayn had delivered kept entering my thoughts whether I wanted it to or not. 'You're right, and he doesn't want you to hurt anymore. He's saying good-bye for the last time.'

I have been pondering and thinking over many things over the past couple days.

My emotions have been all over the place, and I can't quite explain it, but I feel a sort of emptiness inside since Louis and Carter have been gone. It was almost as if we were bonded together in some way, faintly I wondered if Louis felt the same.

Sophia hasn't been around a lot. I know that she's sleeping around with other men, that's what she always does. Though she never directly tells me, I can tell from the way she walks, and smells. She doesn't even try to explain the many love bites on her neck, and various other places.

However, this time when Sophia walked in with fresh love bites on her neck, I immediately put out my cigarette and stood up, facing her sternly.

"What's your problem?" Sophia asked, crossing her arms across her chest.

I matched her stance, my face was icy, "where were you?"

She snorted, and walked past me, "not now Harry."

"You were out banging some random bloke weren't you?"

All she did was shrug, neither confirming nor denying my accusation.

"I asked you a question Sophia, I want a Goddamn answer," I forcefully grabbed her arm, and shoved her against the wall.

"Yeah, I banged a random bloke. What does it matter to you; I better you banged that piece of trash from off the street." Sophia glared at me, spatting out her answer harshly.

My glare intensified, "don't you dare talk about Louis that way, because he was way better than you."

"Whatever," she rolled her eyes and snorted.

***

Later that night, after I put out the last cigarette in my pack, I made my decision, walking up the stairs. Not bothering to knock, I opened the door to Sophia and I's bedroom, waking up Sophia.

"Get up," I shook her body in attempt to wake her up.

"Wha's that?" Sophia sat up, her tired eyes looked into mine.

I gestured for her to stand up, and she obeyed, "Sophia, I want you to pack your things and get out right now. We're over."

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Sophia screeched at me, wide awake now, standing up and taking a defensive stance.

"Totally fair. My house, my rules. I say that you get right out now," I answered her as calmly as I possibly could.

"But why!? Give me at least three reasons as to why I should walk out that front door right now!" Sophia demanded of me.

"I can name a lot more than three. Reason one, you're a bitch. Reason two, you were rude to Louis and Carter while they were here. Reason three, you act like a child, Louis is a child at heart in a good way. When you act like a child, you're just a whiny spoiled brat." I stated calmly.

Glaring at me, she flipped me the bird, "fuck you Styles, I never even loved you anyways."

"Oh I know." I muttered more to myself than to her, then spoke up so that she could hear me. "Now hurry up, pack your stuff, give me the key, then get the Hell out. I don't want to ever see you again. Do you understand me?"

She glared at me and didn't answer.

"When I ask a question, I want an answer! I said do you understand me?!" I raised my voice so that she would understand that I wouldn't take any shit from her, and I wasn't playing around.

"Yes, I understand," she mumbled. "Here's your fucking key," harshly, she slapped the silver key into my awaiting hand.

I watched as she hurried about the room, packing her items into her suitcase.

Sophia didn't even spare me a second glance as she stomped down the stairs, and out the flat; I didn't even flinch when she slammed the door behind her.

It felt as if a burden had been lifted off of my chest the moment she slammed shut the door. However, it was quickly replaced with guilt again as I remembered Louis and Carter.

Making my decision, I pulled on my coat and shoes, and walked out the door.

***

I quickened my pace as it begin to lightly snow, knowing that it was below freezing because of how quickly my fingers became numb, even with gloves on.

As I neared the park bench my heart skipped a beat when I saw Louis.

He looked horrible.

His red rimmed eyes had dark bruises under them, and his nose looked slightly swollen. Various other places on his face was also bruised. His bare arms that were exposed to the cold had a pale blue tint. I wasn't able to see Carter, and in his arms he held his sweatshirt, and a toy plush dinosaur.

"Louis!" I shouted to get his attention, and he looked up. He flinched, and almost looked scared as I approached him.

"Sh, go away, you've made it worse already," he replied, holding his bundle closer to him.

I only sat next to him, and looked at him, "I'm sorry that I hurt you again, please forgive me?"

"No." Was all he said, subtly scooting away from me.

"I understand if you don't forgive me right now, but I hope that you find it in your heart to somehow forgive me." I said whole heartedly as he looked into my eyes.

A glare darkened his features, "you fucked me, even though I didn't want you to. You said that you loved me more than once! YOU FUCKING SAID THAT IT WOULD BE ALRIGHT! YOU WENT AND FURTHER MESSED UP MY FACE, THEN KICKED US OUT! NOW-" Louis cut himself off, and darkly chuckled as he seemed to calm himself down.

"Where's Carter?" I nearly whispered.

His glare disappeared, and his face changed to something between depressed and tired, as he carefully moved the sweatshirt away to reveal Carter's sleeping sleep. It seemed that he was sweating despite the cold, and he kept whimpering in pain as he slept. Small tears leaked from his closed eyes. His complexion looked sickly, as he tossed and turned in his sleep. It looked to me that he was barely breathing.

"He's gotten much worse," Louis whispered. "He- he won't stop crying not matter how hard I try. Harry he's... he's dying, and I don't know what to do."

Tears threatened to fall from Louis' eyes, but he kept them back. My stomach turned uncomfortably as I realized that it was my fault Carter was this way. If I hadn't kicked them out, then we probably wouldn't be in this situation right now.

"Louis," my tone softened as I noticed the pain he hid behind his blue eyes. "We have to get him to a hospital right now."

"I don't have that kind of money. What he needs costs thousands of pounds, how can I help when I only have a measly six hundred?" My heart went out to Louis at how helpless he sounded.

"Fuck the expenses, I'll pay for all of it, but whatever we're going to do, we have to do it quickly for Carter's sake," I stated.

All Louis did was nod.

***

It's been a solid two hours that Louis and I have been sitting in the intensive care waiting room.

I was praying that Carter would be okay, knowing that Louis wouldn't be able to handle it if he wasn't. Guilt churned in my stomach, and engulfed my heart, because I knew that it would be my fault. Louis sitting beside me knew that too, which was probably why he didn't say anything to break the silence, keeping his gaze set on the door.

He was waiting for a doctor to walk through.

He was waiting for some small sign of hope that his, our, son is okay.

He was waiting for life's cruel verdict.

A doctor finally did walk in, and Louis looked up at him with hope in his eyes, however the doctor's eyes were grim.

"Please," Louis whispered, as if he was pleading, begging him that Carter was okay.

"He had a brain tumor as well," the doctor informed. "It was too late."

Louis shook his head whispering over and over again like it was a mantra, "no, no, no. You're lying." 

"I only wish I were, I'm sorry for your loss," the doctor said sadly.

That's when something in Louis snapped, and he absolutely screamed at the top of his lungs.


	23. Always In My Heart

(Louis' p.o.v.)

The devastation and anger overtook me was so strong that I felt that I had no way to express myself, and all that came out was a scream. I took my guitar out of its case only to slam it against the tiled linoleum floor. It shattered into many rough countless splinters against the floor.

That was when Harry took action, wrapping his arms tightly around me to keep me from doing anything else.

I yelled at him, "let go of me!"

All he did was shush me, and hold me impossibly tighter, even as I clawed at him, leaving red trails in their wake.

"I hate you! This is all your fault!" I started to sob out, giving up on fighting him, and going completely limp in his strong arms. I clutched Carter's toy dinosaur closer to my body and buried my face in Harry's chest, drenching the front of his shirt.

The doctor cleared his throat before stating his time of death, "his time of death was twelve o' one A.M., November first."

"It's his birthday," I sobbed. "It's not fair, he's only three."

Harry began to rub my back in a soothing gesture, and I yelled at no one particular, "HE WAS ONLY FUCKING THREE! IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT-" I broke off into a bunch of hideous ugly sobs as I let my guard completely down. I didn't care that I was showing weakness in front of others.

In that moment, all I cared about was my son's death.

***

I laid tossing and turning, tears leaving my eyes, in the guest room bed of Harry's flat a day later, Carter's toy dinosaur clutched to my chest as if it were a lifeline.

It felt so empty, I felt so empty without Carter curling into my arms, his head just over my heart, curls slightly tickling just beneath my chin. On the nights that he couldn't sleep, he'd ask me to sing him to sleep. It's my first night ever sleeping alone in this world.

It also felt so different knowing that my guitar was no longer in its place under the bed. The case is in the garbage, along with the money, because I now have to reason to have the money. Harry knows about it, but he hasn't said anything yet.

Carter's funeral is in two days, and every moment it seems more and more real. 'There's no more Carter, my son is dead.'

I kept repeating that sentence over and over in my head to remind myself, because sometimes I forget. Every time I remind myself, there's a stabbing pain in my heart, and I start crying again.

Sniffling, I wiped away my tears, even though it was useless, because it was only replaced with the onslaught of more salty tears. A sob threatened to pass my lips as I stood up, but I quickly swallowed it back.

Having enough, I got up, the ridiculously big dinosaur toy in my clutches, and walked on shaky feet to what I assumed was Harry's room. With a trembling hand, I lightly knocked on Harry's bedroom door.

It almost immediately was opened by Harry, "you okay?" There was concern laced in his voice.

"C-Can I sleep in b-bed with you?" My voice was rough from the endless sobbing I've been doing, and I almost winced at how weak I sounded.

"'Course," came his one worded answer, as he lead me inside.

That night, I slept soundly without any nightmares in Harry's arms, and Carter's dinosaur between our chests.

***

Lottie, Harry, Zayn, Martha, Perrie, Niall, and Liam all watched me as I walked towards Carter's small casket with his toy dinosaur in my arms. Anxiety filled me, and I thought that I was going to puke with all the churning my stomach was doing.

As I saw Carter's pale face, I nearly broke down sobbing on the carpeted floor. However, I held it together. With shaky fingers, I ran them through Carter's curls that formed a dark halo around his head. My eyes filled with tears, because I knew that I would never get to see Carter's green eyes again. One of my salty tears fell to his deathly pale cheek, but I quickly thumbed it away.

Leaning in, I laid a last lingering peck on his forehead before I began to slowly and sadly sing.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy, when skies are gray.

You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."

Sniffling, I held back a sob as I continued with singing the second part.

"The other night, Hon, while I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms.

When I awoke Hon, I was mistaken, so I head my head and cried."

As if on cue, a couple of tears made it past my eyelids, as I finished the chorus once again.

Clearing my throat, and wiping away the remains of my tears, I began my eulogy.

"From the v-very beginning, Carter wasn't guaranteed life. In fact, the doc-tor said that he p-probably wouldn't survive, because he was too small while he was in my stomach. He- he gave us quite a scare when he was born four months early, and those were the scariest moments of my life, not knowing whether or not my baby was going to live.

"From the beginning Carter was my sunshine, because he gave my life meaning, and he didn't leave me, because he really couldn't. Carter was my baby, and always will be. He was the only one wh-o actually l-loved me back.

"When I found-d out that Carter has leukemia, I felt helpless, because I couldn't do anything to keep life from taking away my baby from m-me and-" a sob cut me off, and I quickly covered my mouth.

I continued on despite my tears, "I did m-my best to protect him, but it didn't work well. The last thing he said to me before falling asleep was that he loves me, and always will. His big heart always surprised me, because I'd always wonder how such a s-small kid can have such a b-big heart.

"Carter wanted peace, which- which is something that this world doesn't offer. Now, he gets to go to dinosaur land, like he wanted to. I'll always love Carter, and I'll never forget him."

I concluded my eulogy, wiping away a couple of my tears, and walked back over to Carter's casket. Leaving a last peck to his forehead, I hesitated before placing Carter's plush dinosaur beside him.

The dinosaur gave me too many memories of that night, and besides it's Carter's, it's not mine to keep.

Although I may not be able to physically hold Carter anymore, I knew that he would always have his own special place in my heart.


	24. The End Is Just A New Beginning pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is an attempt at self-harm, so that may be triggering. Also, there is a sex scene, but I'll but warnings before, and after it's done.

It's been a month since Carter's funeral, and even though Harry does his best to comfort me, it does nothing to console me. Harry and I have became closer, even if I am mad at him still, I decided that I don't hate him that much, after all it is mostly my mum's fault.

I always sleep in Harry's bed now, because the guest room bed has way too many memories.

However, on this particular night, not even Harry's arms could keep away the nightmares, and I woke up sobbing. In that moment, I just wanted to be with Carter.

Getting up, I made sure that I hadn't woken Harry, because what I was about to do, I had to do it alone. All I need right now is Carter, or something to relieve the pain, but that will never happen, because there is nothing that can ever take off the sharp edge to this pain.

Making my way to the bathroom, I locked myself in, immediately searching for Harry's razors, or something, anything sharp enough to cut me. I nearly yelled in frustration when I couln't find any razors. Faintly I wondered if Harry shaves at all, but I soon got rid of that thought as it was instantly replaced with thoughts of suicide, and blood.

I could already see the blood dripping from my wrist and onto the tiled floor, staining it beautifully.

I could already see the blade as it sliced across the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrist.

I could already feel the hot pain crawling up my arm, and pulling me into sleep, lulling me almost as if it were a lullaby.

I could already see Carter.

There was a knock on the door, knowing that it was Harry, I immediately froze. "Who's it?"

"Louis, you know who it is," Harry said while trying to open the door of course it didn't open since it was locked, "please unlock the door."

"Harry g-go away," I stuttered, while searching for a razor again, nearly crying out in relief as I found one int he cabinet. "I'm sorry," I whispered as I pressed the cool blade against my skin just enough to leave a pink mark.

Harry became more frantic at the door, knocking louder, "Louis let me in right now or else I will knock this door down."

"Harry, don't. Just please let me do this," I whispered, and Harry's insistent knocking at the door stopped.

Sighing, I roughly pressed the blade into the inside of my wrist, keeping it there for a few moments. There was a loud bang as the door was literally knocked down, and as it did, I jumped, and couldn't help but harshly slice the blade against my wrist. I yelped at the sudden sting of pain, but it soon disappeared, leaving me craving for more.

Strong arms were wrapped around my body from behind, preventing me from making a second cut. The blade was taken out of my hand, and I resisted against Harry's arms, all he did was shush me while gently holding my bloody wrist.

I watched as the blood dripped onto the tiles as I had imagined.

Kissing the top of my head, Harry sighed in relief, "it's not that deep, so you'll live."

After a few minutes of me sitting on the toilet seat, and Harry kneeling in front of me tending to my wound, I finally blurted it out. "I- I'm a bad father."

Green eyes looked up into mine, and I looked away to avoid eye contact. "Well," he started as he began to wrap my cut in gauze, "let me confess something to you. I didn't have a father, but I know that you aren't a bad father, because you did everything you could to keep Carter alive. It may not have worked, but you put in the effort." Harry shrugged and stood up, "my father left, so as long as you were there for him, and love him, then you were, and still are a good father."

"Oh," I was surprised by Harry's confession, and I felt that I needed to contribute as well. "My father was absent too, you know. After my parents divorced, my mum gained full custody of my sisters and I, because my dad didn't want us. He didn't even love my mum, and immediately remarried some bloke named Jeff. But my dad ended up dying two months into the marriage."

"I'm sorry for your loss," Harry mumbled.

I shook my head, "don't say that. Too many people keep saying that to me."

"Okay."

There was an awkward silent between us before Harry broke it once again. "Why are you still here? With me, I mean, it's my fault that he's dead."

"Well, for one, I don't really have anywhere else to go if you haven't noticed. And secondly, us lost souls must stick together," I remembered Sadie's words, before adding, "and us grieving souls too. He was your son too. It wasn't your fault, you didn't give him the cancer, you didn't kill him." The last sentence was nearly a whisper.

"I didn't even get to call him my son," Harry whispered.

"I know," I whispered back. "I know that it hurts, I'm feeling it too."

His green eyes looked into mine, "we could help each other through this together, you know, if you would just let me."

"How do I know that you're not just gonna leave me again?" I asked.

"You don't, you just have to trust me." Harry held my hand carefully as if he was afraid that the simple gesture would somehow break it.

"Okay."

(Warning this is where the sex scene starts)

That night, as Harry and I laid in bed, Harry seemed hesitant before pressing his pink lips against mine. Tangling my hands in his curls, I kissed back. The simple sweet kiss turned into more as Harry turned us so that I was on my back, and he was on top.

Sucking my bottom lip into his mouth, Harry began to gently grind our members together, eliciting a soft moan from the both of us. Without disrupting the kiss, Harry's wandering hand caressed my stomach, making its was up to my nipple. I whimpered as Harry rubbed the pad of his thumb against the sensitive bud.

Shushing me, Harry pulled away from the kiss, and quickly rid me of my white shirt. He already wasn't wearing a shirt, since he was only wearing dark boxers.

Planting a firm kiss against my lips again, Harry removed both of our boxers.

Licking his lips, Harry murmured into my ear, "you're so beautiful babe." Color rose to my cheeks in a blush.

He began to place gentle kisses down my neck, and teasingly laid a kiss on both of my hard nipples, causing me to whimper from pleasure once more. His tongue flicked out from his mouth to lap at one of the nubs.

Tilting my head back a bit, I allowed him to coax a small moan out of my mouth. Harry continued planting kisses down my stomach, and placed a light kiss at the head of my cock.

"Ha-Harry get on with it," I managed to mumble out, spreading my legs wider.

"Impatient now are we," Harry murmured while taking out lube, and liberally applied it to his long thick fingers. "This might hurt a bit, Louis."

All I did was nod as Harry's pointer finger lightly prodded at the sensitive ring of muscles. I waited with baited breath. Harry kissed my neck before carefully entering his finger into me. I tensed up a bit around his finger. Placing another peck on my forehead, Harry waited for me to adjust before slowly thrusting his finger in and out.

I moaned loudly, and my face scrunched up with absolute pleasure as Harry lightly nudged against my prostate. "Again Harry, please, more," I nearly begged him.

"Patience is a virtue, babe" Harry murmured into my ear.

"Patience is a v-virtue that I don't have right now," I whined while grinding down on Harry's finger.

He chuckled, "fine, fine."

I felt the slight burn as Harry slowly added another finger, and scissored them. Harry's fingers began to rub against my prostate, and I whimpered, gripping the sheets, "f-fuck, feels so good."

Withdrawing his fingers, Harry applied a generous amount of lube onto his cock, "ready babe?"

I nodded, "mhm."

He didn't say anything as he carefully began to enter my hole. Whimpering at the pain I felt, I laced my fingers in Harry's curls, and leaned up to kiss him. Getting the idea, Harry leaned in the rest of the way and I groaned as our lips finally met.

Once Harry bottomed out, he held still, giving me time to adjust. To distract me from the burning sensation I felt, Harry licked my bottom lip asking for entrance which I gladly granted. Our tongues clashed and tangled together in a slow erotic dance. His fingers began to lightly toy with my nipples.

Bucking my hips a bit, I pulled away from the kiss. "You c-can move n-now," my voice was husky.

Harry moaned as he began to make small figure eights with his hips, and I've never felt so full in my life, because now we were both sober, and able to properly enjoy it. Slowly, Harry pulled out only to plunge back in again, eliciting a small yelp of pleasure out of me.

Burying his head in the crook of my neck, Harry lightly bit down, and sucked to leave a small love bite. His lazy thrusts soon grew into quick paced, and steady. We moaned in sync, as he brushed against my prostate, and I constricted around him.

"F-Faster," I just barely whimpered out.

Following the weak command, Harry sped up the pace of his hips, setting an almost bruising pace. "You're so tight, babe. You feel so good wrapped around my cock," Harry moaned out.

I moaned at his words, "feel so g-good, y-you're so b-big. S-so c-close."

Harry wrapped his hand around my member that was leaking large amounts of pre-come, and began to quickly pump my cock. Squirming against the bed, I clutched the sheets tighter. When Harry pressed against my prostate, I came in his hand with a cry of Harry's name on my lips.

Thrusting a few more times, Harry let out a low moan as he came inside me, painting my insides white. I still winced as Harry gently pulled out, and I could feel some of his come escape from the opening.

(End sex scene!)

I laid on my side, and Harry wrapped his arms around me, pulling my body closer against his chest. This time, I didn't cry as my eyes began to droop shut.

"What does this make us?" I whispered to Harry.

"What ever you want us to be," he answered while kissing up and down my neck again, making me shudder.

"Can we..." I trailed off before continuing, my voice was small, "can we be together?"

"Only if you want us to be."

"That's what I want," I answered. "As long as you promise that you won't leave or hurt me."

"I can't promise that I won't leave you, or hurt you, because I'm only human, and I make mistakes, just like everyone else. I can only promise that I will always love you," Harry murmured.

I stiffened a bit, "don't say you love me, it's to painful to hear, right now."

"Okay, one day I will be able to tell you those three words, and you'll be able to say them back," Harry whispered. "That much, I can promise you."

His words brought me reassurance as my eyes closed, and I fell into a deep sleep. In my sleepy haze, however, I could have sworn that I felt Harry kiss my temple, but that could have just been my imagination.

***

The next morning, I was overwhelmed with a sense of nausea as I woke up. Squirming in Harry's grasp, I tried to escape, but that only caused Harry to hold on to me that much tighter. Gagging, I managed to wiggle out of Harry's arms before I rushed to the bathroom.

Just barely making it to the toilet, I threw the lid up with a bang, and started puking up bile into the toilet.

There were heavy footsteps and there was suddenly a comforting hand on my back, calming me slightly. However I whimpered in pain as another gag forced its way out, and more yellow bile splashed into the toilet. Harry whispered sweet nothings against my skin, wrapping his arms around my mid section

I puked until there was nothing left, and only dry heaves made its way out.

***

It's been a month, and I've been puking every morning for the entire morning, Harry was always there kneeling with me, and would help me stand on weak shaky legs once I was finished.

Last week, Harry had suggested that I go to the doctor to get my stomach checked out if the puking persisted, so he scheduled an appointment for me. Unfortunately, he couldn't come with me, because he has to work today.

Now, I'm shakily sitting alone waiting in the doctor's office, waiting for the doctor to come back with the test results, having taken my blood, and urine samples.

The door opened as the doctor came back in, and I looked up at him. "Mr. Tomlinson, are you aware that you have the ability to have children?"

I nodded, feeling sick already, because I knew where this was going.

"Congratulations Mr. Tomlinson, you are one month pregnant."

My head felt light headed, and I nearly passed out, "can I- can I have a sonogram?"

"Of course you can."

The doctor left only to return fifteen minutes later with the sonogram machine thing. He helped me swing my legs over, and lay down on the bed. Lifting my shirt, he took out the gel, "this might be a bit cold."

He wasn't lying, I flinched from how cold it was, but it immediately warmed up as soon as it made contact with the skin of my stomach. Carefully placing the wand on my lower stomach, he pointed to the computer screen, "you'll be able to see you're baby right there."

As the doctor zoomed in, I watched in wonder at the screen as it showed the small still forming baby. Tears sprung to my eyes, because that's Harry and I's baby.

"Right now, you're baby is about a fourth of an inch long. The heart is forming right there," he circled the area with his finger, "and so is the backbone, spinal cord, and digestive system Would you like a picture?"

I all I could manage was a nod.

***

I sat on the couch when I got to Harry's flat, I was just staring at the sonogram in my hand, my other hand was laying on my lower stomach, hardly able to believe that I have another baby in there already.

Sniffling, I couldn't help the tears that started to fall for my eyes, or the sobs that fell from my lips. What is Harry going to say? He wouldn't leave me again, would he? "I can't do this," I whispered, just as the door opened.

Harry almost immediately rushed over to me, "what's wrong, babe?"

All I did was sniffle, and show him the sonogram. Harry was silent for a few moments, so I spoke, "please don't leave me, Harry, please. I c-can't do this o-on my- my own. Not th-this t-time."

"You won't have to do this alone this time, Louis. Remember what I said? I said that I'll always love you. M'not gonna leave you right now, Louis." Harry spoke, wrapping his arms around me, hugging me close.

"P-Pinkie p-promise?" I whispered, holding out my pinkie.

He hooked his much larger pinkie with my own. "Pinkie promise."

Pulling away from the hug, Harry knelt in front of me so that he was face to face with my stomach, "I love you already, Darling. I promise that I'll always be with you."

Lightly, Harry planted a gentle peck on my flat stomach. Happy tears filled my eyes as I watched the scene before me.

***

I figured that three was Harry and I's luck number.

After Harry and I met that first time and fucked, we were reunited three years later.

Even though the three years signified an end to Carter's life, it also signified a new beginning.

The first time Harry and I had sex, it brought me Carter.

The second time we had sex, it brought hate, anger, and heart ache between us.

The third time we had sex brought love, and a new beginning, and little did I know that it would also bring us our sweet daughter Lily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not over yet!


	25. Epilouge- You Are My Sunshine Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Okay so remember Daddy= Louis, and Papa= Harry.

(Lily's p.o.v.)

My Daddy and my Papa always take me to the park on Saturdays.

Daddy tells me with sad eyes about how he used to live here with my older brother, Papa always holds his hand when he talks about it. Whenever I ask him where he is, both their eyes fill with sadness, and Daddy says that he's in Dinosaur Land, like he always wanted to be.

I was confused by this, but I didn't push it any further, because it looked like Daddy was going to cry, and I hate making Daddy or Papa cry.

One time I made Daddy cry a little bit when I was littler, because I was mad at him. He wouldn't let me stay up to watch t.v., and I said that I hated him. Once he started crying I felt horrible, and immediately said sorry, because I hate seeing my Daddy cry.

When we go to the park, Daddy, Papa, and I all sit on the bench, Daddy always plays the song I want on the guitar while Papa sings. Sometimes if I'm lucky, Daddy will sing along with Papa, and their voices always fit together nicely. I like it when they sing together.

Daddy tells me about how my older brother and him used to sit on this bench together, and how he used to play his guitar on this very bench in order to get money.

I asked him why, and he said 'because I didn't have any money, and I had to provide for your brother and I somehow.'

Every night when Papa and Daddy tuck me in, I always ask Papa to tell me a bedtime story, because he is a great storyteller. I get to choose what the story is about, and he always makes the story up from there. Daddy almost always listens along to Papa's story with me.

However, one Saturday night, Daddy felt sick and couldn't stay to listen to Papa's bedtime story with me. After giving me a hug, and told me goodnight, and he loves me, he went to bed himself.

That night when Papa asked for a bedtime story request, I said 'Papa, can you tell me the story of how you and Daddy met?'

Immediately I was thrown into a story of love and sadness, but it was the best bedtime story ever, so from that night on, I always asked my Papa to tell that story so that I would always remember it.

It was their love story of three years ago, and it was better than any other love story imaginable.

He'd tell it so many times that I know it word for word, and it's forever engraved in my heart, and etched in my memories.

***

One Saturday afternoon when I turned three, I was confused, because Daddy was taking me somewhere, and Papa isn't here. Papa always goes to the park with us, so I was very confused when he wasn't on the other side of me. Daddy still has his guitar on his back, so I knew that he is going to still play it, but there were flowers in his other hand.

I started to realize that we weren't going to the park, because we are going the wrong way. I immediately wanted to alert Daddy of this problem, so I tugged on his sleeve to get his attention.

"Daddy, we're going the wrong way."

"No, we're going the right way, we're just going to a different place," Daddy assured me.

My eyebrows scrunched up, "where are we going?"

Daddy hesitated before answering, "a very special place, princess."

I didn't say anything else, now filled with excitement, which only turned into confusion again as we neared a cemetery. That disappeared when we approached a grave with dying flowers on it. Daddy set down the flowers to replace the old ones.

"Who's that, Daddy?" I asked.

"Carter, your older brother. He was three like you when he die," Daddy explained as he sat down and unpacked his guitar. I watched as Daddy looked at the small grave sadly, but smiled a bit, "this is his favorite song."

Daddy began to strum a few notes before he started singing.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy, when skies are gray.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Please don't take, my sunshine away."

"Daddy, was Carter your sunshine?" I asked.

"Yes, and he still is. But you are my sunshine too, princess," Daddy said while pecking my forehead.

***

That night, after Daddy and Papa tucked me in, Papa asked me if I have a story request.

"Can you tell me the story of how Carter died?"

Papa looked over at Daddy, "that's not my story to tell."

Daddy smiled a bit before sitting down at the foot of my bed, "well you see, Carter was a young knight, he was only two years old, and wanted peace. The only problem was that Carter's battle was on the inside, and this was one battle that he couldn't fight on his own. So, he had to rely on his Daddy to help him. But he needed more than his Daddy to help. That's where your Papa comes in. Papa did everything in his power along side Daddy to help Carter. However, this was a battle where Life decides the outcome, and Life decided that Carter deserved to live in a better place. So Carter ended up losing his battle, but he got to have peace, which is always what he wanted."

That night as I lay in bed, I know in my heart that I would never forget my big brother. He was part of our family, and always will be. Even though I didn't know him, I pretend that I do, and it makes me feel better.

I am thankful to be alive.

I am thankful to have a family that loves me and each other.

I am mostly grateful that my parents decided to be together three years ago.

Even if they didn't love each other as much as they do now, they still fought for each other three years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Oh my goodness! I can't believe that it's actually over! Thank you guys so much for reading, and for all the support. This story would be nothing without you people! Thanks so much for sticking with this, and I still can't believe that I actually finished it! This is the first fanfiction I've actually finished typing, and I'm just so happy!
> 
> Anyways, thank you guys so much, and don't worry, there will be a sequel. It will be called 'Three Years After', I'm not saying that you have to read it, but I highly recommend it. Love you all!
> 
> See you soon!


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